a girl who danced

Oh what is there to say now? All I know is my feet have been freezing all day. May Day was unusually and unexpectedly cold this year. And today I've eaten at least four servings of snickers minis and increased the volume of my music all day. I've longed for my friends today. And I am glad for that. It means that my heart is not closed. I have not shut down or self-destructed today, though deep down I wonder if it would help to do so- if in the end maybe the guilt would go away, because the chill is in more than just the air today.

Recently I've had the urge to dance. Sometimes I forget that I danced as a girl, that I once danced on a stage in high school. I think I have become too shy now to dance anywhere but in my room- and even that I am embarrassed about! Nevertheless, I did it today. In a dress in front of my mirror. Oh to be a girl again, a girl who danced. Yet I am content to be me, every complicated inch of me. Despite everything, I'm starting to like me- and that is truly good. But still, I'd like to dance. And whenever I do, it will be for me. Whenever I do, it will be for You. Whenever I do, I will be Your beauty.

Oh, be near.

tremble

So, I'm thinking thoughts without words again. Does that make sense? It's raining outside today, and I'm listening to this song by John Mayer, and it's beautiful. There are fuzzy sprouts on the branch outside the window, and with the gray sky behind, I watch it bob and tremble in the breeze. Beautiful.

The past few days have been very interesting indeed. And I'll be honest, I'm a little more than frightened. I really don't know what I'm doing. But I'm going to try and thwart my fear of the unknown and trudge forward as best I can. Oh, please do be patient with me.

And in the back of my mind, unsteady as it is, there is a wonder and an awe of what God has made. What a beautiful thing that He created us with the capability to deeply appreciate His creation. Oh my soul, cling to that rope and don't let it go. Oh Great and Mighty One, be present to me now. Hear me, guide me, show up wherever I look. You are greater. You are alive. And I am alive because of You, for You. Send Your mighty hand to strengthen me, to steady me as I walk along. You save me everyday. You are beauty itself.

[oh how lovely this place, to be with You, to be with You. oh the brightness of Your face, here with You, here with You. oh my only calm is You. oh my only thought is You. oh my happiness is You. oh my happiness is You...]

better

Hello.

[And oh I want it to get better- I swear I'll work to make it better...so please don't leave quite yet]

It's difficult to describe the way I've been feeling today. There's something going on in there, you know? Mixing around, turning over and over, perforating the way I'm looking at things.

Oh, how ought I explain??

I think...there's a life in there struggling to get out. The life I've always sort of shrugged back, pushed down, been afraid of. I'm not as afraid now, and that's good. But I think too there's pain mixed in as well...pain wanting to escape its confines. Could I trust someone so much as to tell them my secrets? Could I dare let someone see the ugly in me that even I am afraid of?

I feel compelled to say some things to myself right now. Bear with me.

Dear Self,

You're going to be okay. Keep taking steps forward. Keep breathing. Keep striving to love people, despite how they can seem at times. Don't be afraid of living. You've gotten up before and you'll get up again. Have faith. Have faith- it will save you from yourself.

His,

Katie

How strange- this. I think I'm starting to come out of myself. The loneliness, the desire, is drawing me out. It's beautiful, you know.

But to You, I'd like to tell You that I know I can do better. I will do better. Help me to do better... Help me to be better. Please make it better now. Forgive me. Help me to forgive me too. We both know. Thank You for being my Friend. Thank You for being my Confidant. I can trust You. You're on my side, remarkably- by choice and not by default or by force. By love, not by law.

You want more. I know You want more.

resolution

I've been doing some thinking lately. Now that I've decided I'm not moving to Colorado, I'm trying to see what my options are here. I've mostly been thinking about whether to join the college scene again. I'd like to go to photography school, I think. However, it is insanely expensive. And due to weddings and brake repairs on my car after a trip to Colorado Springs, I'm kind of feeling a bit...poor. I've also been thinking about making music. I found this coffee shop in St. Joseph, and they have open mic and acoustic nights. I've also been writing more lately. And you know what? I've been much happier lately- all this creativity floating around on top of having fun with awesome friends (and having a possibly good haircut- I haven't decided yet whether I like it or not). It's been pretty good times lately.

And yet, if i'm being honest, I feel some unresolved issues picking away at me today. I guess that's a healthy thing. Happiness is good, but I need to be honest with myself in that my problems don't just go away because I'm in a good mood- it may seem that way sometimes, but really- it's all still sitting in there waiting to jump out and scare me away from my happiness. I think I have some work to do.

This week, there's been this book on my mind a lot. I read it a couple of weeks ago and it totally sent me into a spiral I did not expect, and I was confronted with some deep fears of mine that I had never totally felt the pain of before. I don't know why I feel the need to revisit it all again by rereading this book, but lately I really have been thinking about it a lot. Probably because it's unresolved. All I did when I read that book was FEEL, and while it was good for me to feel what I did (even though it was painful), I never did anything about it. I resolved nothing. But I know it'll take time- I know I can't resolve my issues overnight. And I think if I delve into things WITH people- relying on friends and trusting them to stay, then I'll be much better off and hopefully resolve things without losing myself in the skirmish. I guess we'll see what happens.

filter

Ever get the feeling that there's something out there that's trying to get you? This thing that you think can't possibly know what you're struggling with, but somehow does and points it out?

Lately, I've been getting a lot of calls from people who are mistakenly dialing my number. I've had people leave threatening messages on my voice mail, had grandfathers brokenly requesting that I call them sometime, received obscene picture mail from numbers that I don't know.

I have a hard time explaining how this makes me feel. This strange inflicted identity confusion is messing with my heart. The feeling that people are mistaking me for someone they believe me to be is jarring. That people look at me and see someone they want to see, that they believe I am. This is so difficult for me to explain.

But I realized today that it seems that when I am in the hands of good- when I am ready for good, evil still chases me, still taunts me, still hunts me. There will never be a complete sense of happiness or good because there will always be darkness following closely behind. I don't want to let it trip me up.

Semi-unrelated: I'm growing very tired of the internet. It seems that it does me more harm and frustration than good. I also wish I could turn off my phone, or block all numbers that aren't my friends (for reasons aforementioned). Maybe I ought to get a new phone number.

Anyway. Not impressed by internet anymore. Can be useful, but...probably better for me if I'm on it less. I think I'd like to block out all the things that cause me to fall and let in all the things that can become good things to me. A filter?? Yes. I'm considering not just a fast from facebook or twitter, but a purge of the internet all together (except possibly for researching writing/story-related things). Somehow I feel like it would help me feel less...victimized? Does that make sense?

hello sunshine

I read seven chapters of Blue Like Jazz last night before bed, and then I finished it off before work today. I read it a couple summers ago, and I remember how it warmed my spirit. It warmed me again today. I like the idea that we can be friends with an author, though we have never spoken or seen each other in real life. I admire Don Miller because of his vulnerability with his audience. They're making a movie of Blue Like Jazz, if you didn't know, and I'm really excited about it. I have high expectations, but I have a feeling I'm really going to love it.

Today, though plagued by headaches and two hours of work, was a good day. I don't embrace good things often enough. So today, I'm making a point to mention that today was GOOD. The kind of good I've always called good. The kind of good that reminds me of previous goods. Which is good. I need to be reminded of good. I need to be reminded of peace, of happiness, of contentment. I think I don't often let positive experiences or people influence me positively. I'm not sure why. Possibly because I'm afraid that positive experiences will somehow hurt me and consequently become negative. Blah.

I don't know why Blue Like Jazz always gets me to see and embrace the good in my day. And I just mean today. Today I am just referring to today. Today I am experiencing good and giving good, being good. What a revolution. :)

Today I see beauty. In everything. I see potential good to be done. Today I see how things can be seen in more than one way, and reacted to in more than one way. Today I see more than what I saw yesterday, or the day before that. Today people are interesting, and funny, and new. And not intimidating or frustrating or difficult. Today I am one of them, one of those fun, beautiful, light people.

It's been a sort of stumbling time for me lately. I've not been sleeping well. But today...I walked without tripping.

Today I am different. The change is subtle, but I feel it. And I will smile about it.

seeing with more than our eyes

I open my eyes and there is a soft glow to the room around me, the kind that you see with more than your eyes. In all the darkness and the messiness of life, there is yet a light, always a light we see with more than our eyes. And we will always see it when we aren't looking for it. We'll sit in darkness and close our eyes because we're scared, and then when we open up again, there we see the light, that mysterious light we swear wasn't there a moment ago.

I feel it in the way a song can sound like a rainy day. I see it looking across the room, in between me and the walls, glowing the darkness warmer. It's a beautiful living stillness, a glittering, tangible hope that my eyes and my spirit can detect and respond to.

Suddenly I see the colors again, breathing me back to life.