It was so good to see my friends this weekend. They reminded me that I am capable of things. Of anything I'd like to try. I'm not motivated to run or work out, but they make me feel like I can do it. And I can- the only thing holding me back is me. They make me feel like I can walk into a new church and start a worship band- that I can make a place for me to belong there. They make me feel like there is hope to make this town my home- to extend my home beyond the walls of my house.
It's so much easier to just not do anything. To go to work and come home and go to work and come home day after day. I don't have to be a recluse. I don't have to be a hermit just because this place, this job, these people are all new to me. Life is for living, and today I am 25 years old- growing every day closer to old rather than closer to young. I have never by any means had the desire to run my life into the ground with activities and recklessness and busyness, but I haven't been able to figure out how to love the things I used to love when I lived in Sartell. Doing those things feel different when I do them here.
When I learned how to play guitar- Abi was right- I had a spark and a flame and a passion to learn it and play it and improve. Since then, it hasn't been the same kind of outlet. I rarely play anymore. And I ought to.
Writing has been difficult to the point of being frustrating and disheartening. That passion has changed as well and I don't need it like I used to. I need less of a place to escape to than I did then.
Church has been difficult too, and I miss Joy. Things haven't been right there either. I pray less. I haven't read the Word in months. There is less passion there as well. I miss it.
I know I'm still transitioning and trying to figure it all out, but I am so grateful that I have friends who remind me that I can do anything. I forgot that. It was so good to be among people who know me and even know me better than I do at times. What a blessed person I am.
Thank You, Lord. You have given me so much. I am truly blessed. I am rich. And all I have has nothing to do with what I have done or not done- nothing to do with what I deserve or don't deserve. I don't know why it's been harder to talk to You recently. Maybe I don't know how to talk to You here either..? So much of my relationship with You has revolved around desperately trying to avoid downfalls and destruction. It seems like once You give me something I am frantic to keep it for as long as I can. You make hearts soft. And I love You for that. Forgive me my transgressions as You always have and always do and always will. Help me to do things. Help me to learn how to become the woman You envision. That has not been my goal in recent times, but You can help me to grow. Just don't let me go.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
breaking dreams
It's strange how things stay with you.
Even though time has passed and my life has moved on in a much more positive way, it's strange how much of my struggles during college and high school have stuck with me. The anxiety has lessened and the depression lightened, but I still dream about those pressure-filled times of my life on a regular basis.
I'm always encountering some sort of anxiety-driven trauma back in my high school or in a classroom at UMM- even in a dream it feels real. But then right before I wake up, I always realize that I'm not in high school anymore- or that I don't attend college anymore, and I simply walk out of the building.
Why can't my subconscious let those troubled times go?
Today all this sort of hit me in the face at a vulnerable moment. I realized that even though I am happy in my new life, I still am deeply afraid of failing. I spent most of my high school (and even grade school I suppose) career feeling the pressure to respect the authority of my teachers- and what that meant for me then was not ever being late, completing every assignment on time, and never distracting others in class. When I went to college, I was able to keep those "rules" for a while, but as my depression and anxiety worsened, I broke my own rules. Not by choice, but because I couldn't keep them anymore. I was not able to show up to class on time or even at all in some cases. I was not able to keep my word to specific teachers that I would meet with them. I was not able to finish my assignments, and therefore not able to pass at least one of my classes.
When I told my mom about the troubles I was having at UMM, I remember her telling me that she was okay with my decision to leave school without graduating- and specifically that she didn't want me to worry about her thinking that I had failed.
Even though she said that, and meant it, I guess it didn't change the experiences I had and the devastating emotions attached to them. Obviously, I think that I failed. The worst thing is that at that time, I was doing my best. I was trying as much as I was able, and it was not enough.
Now that time has passed, I realize that I am ashamed of my behavior during that time. I am ashamed that I failed in so many areas of my life- not just academic. I was not a good friend. I was not a good Christian. I was not a good student. I was wildly irritable and could not be convinced anymore of God's goodness and sovereignty. I was extremely sensitive and easily wounded by the people closest to me who in reality did nothing wrong. My life was seeping through my fingers and I could do nothing about it.
I have received forgiveness from my friends and felt true and sincere regret for the way I was then. I have made amends (painstakingly) with God, and have accepted His forgiveness too. But I guess I never forgave myself for the things I did and thought and willed- I never forgave myself for breaking my rules- educational and non.
So much of life is learning to accept things you can't change. I suppose this is one of those things.
Here's to the road to forgiveness, peace, and no more anxious dreams about school.
Even though time has passed and my life has moved on in a much more positive way, it's strange how much of my struggles during college and high school have stuck with me. The anxiety has lessened and the depression lightened, but I still dream about those pressure-filled times of my life on a regular basis.
I'm always encountering some sort of anxiety-driven trauma back in my high school or in a classroom at UMM- even in a dream it feels real. But then right before I wake up, I always realize that I'm not in high school anymore- or that I don't attend college anymore, and I simply walk out of the building.
Why can't my subconscious let those troubled times go?
Today all this sort of hit me in the face at a vulnerable moment. I realized that even though I am happy in my new life, I still am deeply afraid of failing. I spent most of my high school (and even grade school I suppose) career feeling the pressure to respect the authority of my teachers- and what that meant for me then was not ever being late, completing every assignment on time, and never distracting others in class. When I went to college, I was able to keep those "rules" for a while, but as my depression and anxiety worsened, I broke my own rules. Not by choice, but because I couldn't keep them anymore. I was not able to show up to class on time or even at all in some cases. I was not able to keep my word to specific teachers that I would meet with them. I was not able to finish my assignments, and therefore not able to pass at least one of my classes.
When I told my mom about the troubles I was having at UMM, I remember her telling me that she was okay with my decision to leave school without graduating- and specifically that she didn't want me to worry about her thinking that I had failed.
Even though she said that, and meant it, I guess it didn't change the experiences I had and the devastating emotions attached to them. Obviously, I think that I failed. The worst thing is that at that time, I was doing my best. I was trying as much as I was able, and it was not enough.
Now that time has passed, I realize that I am ashamed of my behavior during that time. I am ashamed that I failed in so many areas of my life- not just academic. I was not a good friend. I was not a good Christian. I was not a good student. I was wildly irritable and could not be convinced anymore of God's goodness and sovereignty. I was extremely sensitive and easily wounded by the people closest to me who in reality did nothing wrong. My life was seeping through my fingers and I could do nothing about it.
I have received forgiveness from my friends and felt true and sincere regret for the way I was then. I have made amends (painstakingly) with God, and have accepted His forgiveness too. But I guess I never forgave myself for the things I did and thought and willed- I never forgave myself for breaking my rules- educational and non.
So much of life is learning to accept things you can't change. I suppose this is one of those things.
Here's to the road to forgiveness, peace, and no more anxious dreams about school.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
fearless
In 39 days I will embark upon a new chapter of my life- one that includes the aforementioned awesome guy who is alllllll mine. I can barely believe it...so much good- all for some grace-covered sinner. It didn't used to be like this though. Before this, my life constantly revolved around fear. It followed me around relentlessly for as long as I can remember. I feared everything.
This is truly the only time in my life that I haven't felt afraid. I was hesitant, but I let myself fall in love. Copeland said "if you fall in love, fall in love and hold nothing back" and I did. And now, I'm moving forward and feel no fear about the decisions I'm making. It is seriously remarkable. I am not afraid to get married- even though I always have been deep down. I am not afraid to move away from my hometown. I am not afraid to leave my job for a new one. I am not afraid to be someone's wife. I'm even less afraid about being a mother one day.
This is the first time in my life that I have been truly ecstatic about the direction in which my life is going.
A year ago, I wouldn't have believed you if you told me all this was in the works and on the way. I wouldn't have believed that the openness I was working on so decidedly would quickly lead me to a man whose love would rush in and fill the lonely places. I wouldn't have believed that I would be this ready to start a new life. I have never felt this whole- this sure about what is happening in my life. Is this what it feels like to follow God's will? Praise Him- I am at home and where I am meant to be! The ice has melted off of my heart.
Thank You Jesus for freeing me and giving me these incredible, beautiful things that I do not and could not deserve or earn. Help me to learn your wordless song and sing it in my heart every time I think of You. Thank You for having mercy on me and for loving me even when I could not and even would not love You in return. You deserve so much praise for the selfless things you have done... We've been through a lot together, haven't we?
It was so worth it.
This is truly the only time in my life that I haven't felt afraid. I was hesitant, but I let myself fall in love. Copeland said "if you fall in love, fall in love and hold nothing back" and I did. And now, I'm moving forward and feel no fear about the decisions I'm making. It is seriously remarkable. I am not afraid to get married- even though I always have been deep down. I am not afraid to move away from my hometown. I am not afraid to leave my job for a new one. I am not afraid to be someone's wife. I'm even less afraid about being a mother one day.
This is the first time in my life that I have been truly ecstatic about the direction in which my life is going.
A year ago, I wouldn't have believed you if you told me all this was in the works and on the way. I wouldn't have believed that the openness I was working on so decidedly would quickly lead me to a man whose love would rush in and fill the lonely places. I wouldn't have believed that I would be this ready to start a new life. I have never felt this whole- this sure about what is happening in my life. Is this what it feels like to follow God's will? Praise Him- I am at home and where I am meant to be! The ice has melted off of my heart.
Thank You Jesus for freeing me and giving me these incredible, beautiful things that I do not and could not deserve or earn. Help me to learn your wordless song and sing it in my heart every time I think of You. Thank You for having mercy on me and for loving me even when I could not and even would not love You in return. You deserve so much praise for the selfless things you have done... We've been through a lot together, haven't we?
It was so worth it.
Monday, January 28, 2013
you're my guy
I can't explain how truly incredible it is to love and be loved by such an amazing man. I am truly blessed. You spend your whole life wondering what your guy is going to look like and act like and sound like, and then one day you meet him- and it is such a surprise to find that it was no surprise that he is exactly what you need, and that you have no doubt he's the one for you.
Enough of talking in second person.
I am in love with an incredible man. He is funny and smart and sweet and attractive and warm... But none of those things really do him justice. He's just...awesome. And I can't believe he's mine. I can't believe that I snagged such a genuinely awesome guy with a genuinely warm and well-meaning and trustworthy heart. He makes me feel secure and stable and safe. I am not afraid of him, except to let him down. I want to be the best for him- the woman he has dreamed of and the wife God needs me to be for him.
I can't wait to start a new life with him. I can't wait to see him every day and hug him every day and be his friend through every step of life- through every bad day at work and through every sunny day outside. I can't wait to be his bride. I can't wait to do life with him. I can't wait to serve him and show him companionship and grace.
I feel like I have been looking for you for a very long time. I can't say enough how much I love you. I can't stress enough how blessed I feel to be marrying you in 96 days. You're my guy... I knew it all along, and you did too. I have prayed for you for so many years...prayed that you knew the Lord, prayed that you would show up in my life soon... You make me feel like myself, which sounds strange- but I have struggled with myself for a long long time. Thank you for being exactly who you are and for loving me for exactly who I am. I can't believe how fortunate I am to have you for the rest of my life. Things may not always be easy, but it will be easier because you and I are together. I love that the words "I love you" just don't seem to be enough anymore, and that you say the meaning of love grows with our understanding of it and each other. That being said, I love you, and God-willing, I will be by your side for the rest of our lives.
Love,
Katie Rose
Enough of talking in second person.
I am in love with an incredible man. He is funny and smart and sweet and attractive and warm... But none of those things really do him justice. He's just...awesome. And I can't believe he's mine. I can't believe that I snagged such a genuinely awesome guy with a genuinely warm and well-meaning and trustworthy heart. He makes me feel secure and stable and safe. I am not afraid of him, except to let him down. I want to be the best for him- the woman he has dreamed of and the wife God needs me to be for him.
I can't wait to start a new life with him. I can't wait to see him every day and hug him every day and be his friend through every step of life- through every bad day at work and through every sunny day outside. I can't wait to be his bride. I can't wait to do life with him. I can't wait to serve him and show him companionship and grace.
I feel like I have been looking for you for a very long time. I can't say enough how much I love you. I can't stress enough how blessed I feel to be marrying you in 96 days. You're my guy... I knew it all along, and you did too. I have prayed for you for so many years...prayed that you knew the Lord, prayed that you would show up in my life soon... You make me feel like myself, which sounds strange- but I have struggled with myself for a long long time. Thank you for being exactly who you are and for loving me for exactly who I am. I can't believe how fortunate I am to have you for the rest of my life. Things may not always be easy, but it will be easier because you and I are together. I love that the words "I love you" just don't seem to be enough anymore, and that you say the meaning of love grows with our understanding of it and each other. That being said, I love you, and God-willing, I will be by your side for the rest of our lives.
Love,
Katie Rose
Sunday, January 27, 2013
put my eyes ahead of me
I have been sick a lot lately. It's not only flu season, but I've been battling a sinus infection for months. MONTHS. Sigh. It sure is sucking the life out of me and making it difficult for me to do a lot of the wedding stuff I would like to do. And it makes hanging out with my friends less possible, which stinks.
I have been very distracted by my physical health lately. It makes me feel very self-centered. I haven't been thinking much about other people. I haven't been praying much. I haven't been doing a lot of the things that add joy to my life. I have lost my zip and my excitement for life.
I went to church this morning though and I was briefly reminded that my life is very good, and that at one time not so long ago, it was very not good. Though I may be fighting this stupid sinus infection and feeling lousy most of the time, I am free. I am on the other side of bondage. After twenty-three years of darkness, I am finally out of the tunnel. That is reason to celebrate for literally the rest of my life. And while there is celebration, there is also the reminder that I once knew agony. It feels good to reflect now that I was not pretending my pain. The misery was real, inexhaustibly real. And now, the freedom is just as real. I could barely hope then that it would be this real- that joy could be as real as sorrow.
Put my eyes ahead of me, with only a glance behind. Put my heart about me, with just a few others within me. Pull my arms from around me, that I may grasp others warmly. Step my feet lightly, that I may not stomp anyone else down. Bring from my lips gentle words issued from a clear mind and forgiving heart, lest I burden someone else by judgment and grudges. Let my spirit offer peace and faith as the answer to my questions and worries, that I may live in the contentment and confidence provided graciously by my Father.
I have been very distracted by my physical health lately. It makes me feel very self-centered. I haven't been thinking much about other people. I haven't been praying much. I haven't been doing a lot of the things that add joy to my life. I have lost my zip and my excitement for life.
I went to church this morning though and I was briefly reminded that my life is very good, and that at one time not so long ago, it was very not good. Though I may be fighting this stupid sinus infection and feeling lousy most of the time, I am free. I am on the other side of bondage. After twenty-three years of darkness, I am finally out of the tunnel. That is reason to celebrate for literally the rest of my life. And while there is celebration, there is also the reminder that I once knew agony. It feels good to reflect now that I was not pretending my pain. The misery was real, inexhaustibly real. And now, the freedom is just as real. I could barely hope then that it would be this real- that joy could be as real as sorrow.
Put my eyes ahead of me, with only a glance behind. Put my heart about me, with just a few others within me. Pull my arms from around me, that I may grasp others warmly. Step my feet lightly, that I may not stomp anyone else down. Bring from my lips gentle words issued from a clear mind and forgiving heart, lest I burden someone else by judgment and grudges. Let my spirit offer peace and faith as the answer to my questions and worries, that I may live in the contentment and confidence provided graciously by my Father.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
you know that thing?
Yup. I'm feelin the magic tonight. I'm not sure what it is- but- I feel it. That thing where you can literally feel your own creativity dancing in the room with you- that thing where you feel like you can do anything- that thing where you aren't afraid to start something new, or to start creating something new again. That thing where you lose your fear of failing- that thing where your eyes can only see possibility and brightness. :) I like that thing.
I embrace that thing. Tonight, I embrace everything. To new beginnings! To newness and growth! To forgiveness and grace and light! To being alive!
I embrace me.
Thank you Christmas. Thank you new lamp. Thank you sewing machine and thread. Thank you water. Thank you plastic on my windows. Thank you rug. Thank you light. Thank you skin. Thank you wrapping paper scraps. Thank you permanent marker.
Thank you breath. Thank you eyes. Thank you fingertips. Thank you thoughts. Thank you health. Thank you music. Thank you snow. Thank you commitment. Thank you Mom. Thank you beginnings.
Thank you life.
Thank You. My life is glorious. Thank You.
Monday, November 5, 2012
His kind of love
"His kind of love is reckless for us. His kind of love will never give up till the whole world knows how far He came to show His kind of love. This is our God- He is strong, and His mercy is our song. He won't stop chasing us- that's just His kind of love. I could try but I could not explain."
No matter how I backslide, You are still there. You are still loving me. Your love is literally RECKLESS. You do not hold back when loving me. Help me not to hold back in loving others. Thank You SO MUCH for everything You've given me...for how You've changed my life- jumpstarted my heart so that my soul can get out and be free. You have made me new. Brand new. I am so thankful...and I love You so much. I can't believe how different things are now...how You've brought me through the darkness and the pain and into the light. All along I was safe, but I couldn't know it. You weren't gone. You were there. Every second. Loving me while I hated You. Forgive me for scorning You... I was DEAD- DYING....and now I am alive. Now, I live. I could not walk...but now I can dance. Thank You for restoring me...for waking me up... You always have a plan. And it always works perfectly.
Looking at these notes on my wall and where I wrote those down from...where my heart was at when I wrote them....how I was trying my hardest and my hardest was not enough. I could not have saved myself. I needed to trust You- to dive in faith first.... And what amazing things You have given me....how consistent You have been in loving me. Oh how You have continuously blessed me...without me deserving any of it. You have been fighting for me every second.
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