I've had a rough couple days of it. Before that I was doing great, but it seems that right when I feel the best about myself and about my life, that's when I fall the hardest. Not surprising I guess, but well, that's what's happened. I fell off the horse. And the thing that made me get up again was remembering that passage in...um Kings? Here it is: 1 Kings 19:11-13
[The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.]
I thought of this today and realized that when I had expected Him to roar and wield His power to smite my sinful, measly life, He instead whispered a simple "I love you." Once. In the middle of my self-loathing, that's all He needed me to know. He doesn't waste words, and He doesn't baby me. I appreciate that.
I felt like Adam and Eve today. Betrayed, tricked, deceived by satan into disobeying my God. I felt fallen, struck down, weak, human. I think about Adam and Eve eating the fruit, feeling so much bewilderment that they couldn't have imagined how their lives would change- how everything would change- if they ate. Little did they know that eating the fruit would cause their fearfully and wonderfully made bodies to rot around their souls- that they were essentially choosing their own deaths by disobeying. Little did they know that this fruit would become a part of them and rip them away from the physical presence of their marvelous God- that the second it touched their tongues, their bodies were as good as dead and their relationship with God altered for thousands of years- not to be repaired for thousands of years until Jesus died.
I think Adam and Eve get a bad rap. I think most of us look at them and what they had and not be able to understand why they did it- how they could trade a piece of fruit with its promise of wisdom without the consequences God had said it had, for Eden and God Himself, their creator- their companion- their friend. But honestly. I am every ounce as human as they were and I have traded other things for God over and over again, no matter how many times I learn that God is worth more than anything else. How many times have I stood on the edge of paradise and chose the wasteland? Almost every time. And this saddens me.
Now, in the midst of my sin and my sadness, I have a whisper of God's presence in my life. Though I am saved and redeemed, I am not at Home. Though my body is a temple for God, though I am His dwelling place, His home- He is a Person I have to fight to love, fight to know, fight my very self- my very nature to be with. Still, I am grateful that He has even made a way for me to know Him. What a seriously miraculous and undeserved thing that is.
He has bound up my loose ends. Though my body will be marred and aged by the time I die, it won't matter then. How interesting that my body will return to dust because it came from dust- but that my soul will return to Jesus because it came from Jesus. All the mess I have made will be left behind and is already forgiven. I have recently been very thankful for the life I have- I don't want to take for granted these times in my life that I may look back on and think "I didn't know how good I had it!" I guess I should have the same attitude with God, right? So that one day I don't look back and think "why didn't I love God more? why did I take for granted His grace, love, mercy, forgiveness? why did I think He didn't matter as much as the other things in my life I was busy being thankful for?"
And even though I long for the things in my life to at least feel resolved, I know that is asking too much. Everything on earth is open-ended. I think God intended it to be that way. Otherwise, our flighty decisions would be final and irreversible. But God has made me feel, because of this lack of resolution- this open-endedness- that there is always the possibility of change. Good change. It's also more difficult this way, but it makes us trust Him. Just because we have to.
I'm comforted to know that when God looks at me, He sees me in every age of my life all at once. He sees the childhood me who didn't know restraint, the high schooler who didn't know anything but restraint, the college student who didn't know anything but heartache and desolation, and the me I have yet to become at age 30, 40, 50, 60...the elderly me who I have yet to decide the character of. But He knows. He sees me all the same, in one moment, sees me as exactly who I am- and can only love. He looks at me and sees my whole life, my whole existence, whereas I look in the mirror and just see the present and the past, which for me have been dismal at times. He has hope for me, and faith in me- the kind that I don't have in myself. He is confident in me, believes in me- that I can become the person He intended for me to be- the person I was at the dawn of creation- the person I would have been had I never sinned, never left Him, never disobeyed. This is who I am to Him, and this is who I will strive to be. Despite the fruit I have eaten, I will strive to hear Him in the whispers and trust in His resolution.
