I'm feeling pretty complacent today. It's one of those days when nothing is good enough- the TV is kind of disgusting, facebook and twitter are boring...life in general is just falling short for me today. Today I am tired of it. I wish it were summer so that I could just go outside with a pen and paper, and breathe in the sun and sky.
Oh, choices. Is anybody else as frustrated as I am about choices?
The truth is, making mistakes just turns me off to everything. I can try and bury myself in the songs I'm listening to, but I cannot escape. I'm still here. Making mistakes jars me away from my inner truths. Making the wrong choices cements me here, in the inescapable now that can appear so cruel and real when I've begun to self-destruct. I've learned that life can be a beautiful gift, but I've also learned that life can be a horrible demise of goodness. And the things I worry about just show themselves even more aggressively when I make the wrong choice.
What I would give to have one of those moments again- one of those moments when the world just recedes like the tide, and I can breathe for a few slowed-down minutes. When I can live within the strums and the pauses in the song I'm listening to, and I only can see what is in front of me- the same things that I always see, but they look different, or maybe I look at them differently. It seems I've been having less and less of these beautiful moments. My cynicism is robbing me.
Do you think it's true that destruction cannot see beauty?
I don't know if most average people are so deeply disappointed in themselves to the point of losing faith in themselves and humanity. Every time I stumble I am reminded of how fallible I am, how easily misled I am, how little I am to be trusted. I think that deep down I am bitter that I am an imperfect being- incomplete and wayward in my thinking, unable to right itself.
What a horribly beautiful thing it is to be a human. What a horribly beautiful thing it is to feel and try and dare.
["you were a million years of work," said God and His angels, with needle and thread. they kissed your head and said, "you're a good kid and you make us proud. so just give your best and the rest will come, and we'll see you soon."] -Sleeping At Last
But I must get up again. There is forgiveness, and it is real.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
life and love and why
I know I'm not that old, but it seems the older I get the more I realize how rigid time is. We cannot undo what we have done, and if we make mistakes in the future we cannot undo those either, no matter how deeply we wish we could. Time only goes in one direction, and that is such a mystery to me. I'm no longer a little girl who has her whole life ahead of her. Now I am a young woman trying to figure out what she wants her life to be about. And I know that maybe I shouldn't be thinking about death, but I have been lately- how we all only have a certain amount of time on earth and how I have been the one to waste years of my life, and how that was a choice I could have avoided had I taken myself less seriously. Life is not something we can do over, and just as there was a beginning, there will be an end to my life.
And yet...
I was at Bible study the other night, and I was thinking about how God didn't create us intending that we would sin. He originally intended, and still intends, for us to be with Him in Eden- in limitless communication with Him. He took a risk loving us- He took a risk giving us free will, and we did fall. But He still wants us, so He made a way for us to be with Him. He fixed what we did so that good can truly reign. And when this life is over, when everything is said and done, we will be with Him as He originally intended. This life is a consequence of the prideful choice we made. That's why Jesus says that this world is not our home. This current life is not all there is. He didn't intend for the earth to become what it is, but it became this hurting messy thing because of free will and original sin. This life isn't fulfilling or complete because we were originally meant for Eden.
I'm glad that this life isn't all there is. That there was and is more intended for me than this messy life. What a comforting thought that is to me. What a God I serve- Who is closer to me than a family member, and yet even more than that- He and I are one in spirit. He knows my soul more intimately than anyone possibly ever could. I'm so glad I no longer feel the need to hide from Him. I still am struggling with having a working, healthy relationship with Him, but I'm on my way, I think. I've known about Jesus for a long time, but now I feel as though I am getting to know Him, and getting to know myself- a person who is not as concerned about plans or what other people believe. It is a freeing thing to believe in and know Jesus Christ. It is a beautiful thing to see myself as He does.
It will get much harder, I think, but it seems that self-discipline has been working for me lately, and faithfully reading the Word is helping me too. I'm excited to see what He has in store for me, but I am content for now not to know. With Him I can be someone I don't have the strength to be on my own. With Him my life is better, and I think I'm starting to fall in love.
And yet...
I was at Bible study the other night, and I was thinking about how God didn't create us intending that we would sin. He originally intended, and still intends, for us to be with Him in Eden- in limitless communication with Him. He took a risk loving us- He took a risk giving us free will, and we did fall. But He still wants us, so He made a way for us to be with Him. He fixed what we did so that good can truly reign. And when this life is over, when everything is said and done, we will be with Him as He originally intended. This life is a consequence of the prideful choice we made. That's why Jesus says that this world is not our home. This current life is not all there is. He didn't intend for the earth to become what it is, but it became this hurting messy thing because of free will and original sin. This life isn't fulfilling or complete because we were originally meant for Eden.
I'm glad that this life isn't all there is. That there was and is more intended for me than this messy life. What a comforting thought that is to me. What a God I serve- Who is closer to me than a family member, and yet even more than that- He and I are one in spirit. He knows my soul more intimately than anyone possibly ever could. I'm so glad I no longer feel the need to hide from Him. I still am struggling with having a working, healthy relationship with Him, but I'm on my way, I think. I've known about Jesus for a long time, but now I feel as though I am getting to know Him, and getting to know myself- a person who is not as concerned about plans or what other people believe. It is a freeing thing to believe in and know Jesus Christ. It is a beautiful thing to see myself as He does.
It will get much harder, I think, but it seems that self-discipline has been working for me lately, and faithfully reading the Word is helping me too. I'm excited to see what He has in store for me, but I am content for now not to know. With Him I can be someone I don't have the strength to be on my own. With Him my life is better, and I think I'm starting to fall in love.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
beautiful
I have a lot of thoughts. Bear with me.
Life has thrown its worst at me in some respects, and I want to be clear that I don't believe the difficulties are over, but even after all of that- after all of that confusion and pain, tonight I feel like telling you that life is a beautiful thing. It's horribly complicated and messy, but...what a beautiful thing that we have endless second chances. How beautiful is it that life is renewable? The opportunity to live is such a beautiful thing. That we can start over- we can decide to be different today- everyday- is a marvelous beauty to discover.
Bad things will happen yet. Things are still not easy. But if we were happy every single day of our lives, we would not know that we were happy. What is happiness anyway? We contrive half of it, I think- this idea of happiness. We chase this thing we believe can be ours forever, but that isn't true. We chase an idea that has little basis in reality. Maybe happiness is overrated, and we don't want to believe that. But happiness is not the point of our lives.
I don't say that to sound pessimistic- I'm not being pessimistic. I'm saying that happiness is a small thing to base our life on. Some fleeting feeling. We're humans though- we're all about feeling things.
It was a horrible thing to self-destruct. It's equally as horrible to watch someone self-destruct- they won't let you help them, they won't listen to you. We do strange things when we feel like there is no way out. My heart goes out to you. You who can find no peace- you who chase the things you thought made you happier than you are now. I wish you rest, peace, and the ability to see how beautiful life is- even when it is ending for you soon. I hope you come to understand that your life has never been about you, and that it still isn't. I hope you will find the humility to change, even in your dying hours. I pray you will see the beauty in life- that there is beauty even in death...that you will choose to spend the rest of your time loving the people who love you. Don't be afraid.
As for me, life will continue to be a beautiful mystery, and for now I am content with that.
Life has thrown its worst at me in some respects, and I want to be clear that I don't believe the difficulties are over, but even after all of that- after all of that confusion and pain, tonight I feel like telling you that life is a beautiful thing. It's horribly complicated and messy, but...what a beautiful thing that we have endless second chances. How beautiful is it that life is renewable? The opportunity to live is such a beautiful thing. That we can start over- we can decide to be different today- everyday- is a marvelous beauty to discover.
Bad things will happen yet. Things are still not easy. But if we were happy every single day of our lives, we would not know that we were happy. What is happiness anyway? We contrive half of it, I think- this idea of happiness. We chase this thing we believe can be ours forever, but that isn't true. We chase an idea that has little basis in reality. Maybe happiness is overrated, and we don't want to believe that. But happiness is not the point of our lives.
I don't say that to sound pessimistic- I'm not being pessimistic. I'm saying that happiness is a small thing to base our life on. Some fleeting feeling. We're humans though- we're all about feeling things.
It was a horrible thing to self-destruct. It's equally as horrible to watch someone self-destruct- they won't let you help them, they won't listen to you. We do strange things when we feel like there is no way out. My heart goes out to you. You who can find no peace- you who chase the things you thought made you happier than you are now. I wish you rest, peace, and the ability to see how beautiful life is- even when it is ending for you soon. I hope you come to understand that your life has never been about you, and that it still isn't. I hope you will find the humility to change, even in your dying hours. I pray you will see the beauty in life- that there is beauty even in death...that you will choose to spend the rest of your time loving the people who love you. Don't be afraid.
As for me, life will continue to be a beautiful mystery, and for now I am content with that.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
i should be in bed. but i'm not.
I just cleaned my room. I love late night cleaning. That sounds dorky, but I do. A clean room generally makes me feel better.
It's been a rocky few days for me. Turns out this Jesus thing is kind of a difficult thing to do. Turns out it's a LOT easier to do Jesus by the book, or by the "rules" than it is to feel a desperate need for Jesus that nothing else, literally NOTHING else, can provide. Recognizing this constant need is revolutionizing me, and it hurts. It's a difficult thing for me to have relationships with people at all, and that includes God.
It's a horribly beautiful thing to need Jesus like this- I genuinely feel and see and understand and know this desperate need for someone to save me from the horrible things I am capable of, from the tremendous devastation that dwells in my soul at all times. It isn't enough to feel that need though. Now I don't exactly know what to do with it.
What a good thing though. To know the depth of my sin will never be deeper than Love.
I think the lesson I need to learn is that God's love is not up for discussion. I will do terrible things and think terrible thoughts, but He will love me no less because of them. He can only love. He is capable of forgiving and forgetting. I will choose myself again and again but He will always choose me. What great love He has for us, friends. I have so much to learn about Him.
It's been a rocky few days for me. Turns out this Jesus thing is kind of a difficult thing to do. Turns out it's a LOT easier to do Jesus by the book, or by the "rules" than it is to feel a desperate need for Jesus that nothing else, literally NOTHING else, can provide. Recognizing this constant need is revolutionizing me, and it hurts. It's a difficult thing for me to have relationships with people at all, and that includes God.
It's a horribly beautiful thing to need Jesus like this- I genuinely feel and see and understand and know this desperate need for someone to save me from the horrible things I am capable of, from the tremendous devastation that dwells in my soul at all times. It isn't enough to feel that need though. Now I don't exactly know what to do with it.
What a good thing though. To know the depth of my sin will never be deeper than Love.
I think the lesson I need to learn is that God's love is not up for discussion. I will do terrible things and think terrible thoughts, but He will love me no less because of them. He can only love. He is capable of forgiving and forgetting. I will choose myself again and again but He will always choose me. What great love He has for us, friends. I have so much to learn about Him.
Friday, February 11, 2011
betrayal in is my blood
I've been doing a lot of what people like to call "soul searching" lately. And honestly, I don't know that I like what I've been finding. Though I am capable of good, I am perpetually committing sin. Though I am redeemed, I am also sinner. I've been wrestling with this a lot lately. That while I'm forgiven and clean, I am yet a human being under the weight of original sin. And while I can strive to do and be better, to crack down on my own depravity, I am unable to do so for long. I am not strong enough to save me from myself. Try as I might, at the end of the day, I need Jesus- I need God to do for me what I cannot- I need for Him to be someone I cannot be.
I didn't live in Jesus' time. I wasn't alive when He walked around with the disciples healing people. That was long before I ever came into existence. I never got to meet Him like a few did then. He died for me before I existed. He loved me before I existed. He forgave me before I existed. Crazy stuff.
And I've been thinking just about life in general. How life can seem so cruel if you break it down. For some it goes something like this: you're born into a family who you have no control over, you're raised believing you can be anything you want to be, you grow up and realize you can't be anything you want to be, you find a job that is less than enjoyable, you marry someone who cannot complete you, raise a family with more difficulty than you expected, and eventually die. There hardly seems like a point to any of that. I can't understand how things got this way- how God ordained our lives to be the meaningless things they are.
I can't understand why God chose to continue with us after the fall. Knowing how capable our hands are to perpetuate evil and ill-intent in the world, He finds a way to get us back. He finds a way to conquer the consequence of our depravity. Despite His existence in my life, I succumb to temptation and choose myself over Him. Despite the fallen nature of my soul, He has claimed it as His own.
I marvel.
I didn't live in Jesus' time. I wasn't alive when He walked around with the disciples healing people. That was long before I ever came into existence. I never got to meet Him like a few did then. He died for me before I existed. He loved me before I existed. He forgave me before I existed. Crazy stuff.
And I've been thinking just about life in general. How life can seem so cruel if you break it down. For some it goes something like this: you're born into a family who you have no control over, you're raised believing you can be anything you want to be, you grow up and realize you can't be anything you want to be, you find a job that is less than enjoyable, you marry someone who cannot complete you, raise a family with more difficulty than you expected, and eventually die. There hardly seems like a point to any of that. I can't understand how things got this way- how God ordained our lives to be the meaningless things they are.
I can't understand why God chose to continue with us after the fall. Knowing how capable our hands are to perpetuate evil and ill-intent in the world, He finds a way to get us back. He finds a way to conquer the consequence of our depravity. Despite His existence in my life, I succumb to temptation and choose myself over Him. Despite the fallen nature of my soul, He has claimed it as His own.
I marvel.
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