i should be in bed. but i'm not.

I just cleaned my room. I love late night cleaning. That sounds dorky, but I do. A clean room generally makes me feel better.

It's been a rocky few days for me. Turns out this Jesus thing is kind of a difficult thing to do. Turns out it's a LOT easier to do Jesus by the book, or by the "rules" than it is to feel a desperate need for Jesus that nothing else, literally NOTHING else, can provide. Recognizing this constant need is revolutionizing me, and it hurts. It's a difficult thing for me to have relationships with people at all, and that includes God.

It's a horribly beautiful thing to need Jesus like this- I genuinely feel and see and understand and know this desperate need for someone to save me from the horrible things I am capable of, from the tremendous devastation that dwells in my soul at all times. It isn't enough to feel that need though. Now I don't exactly know what to do with it.

What a good thing though. To know the depth of my sin will never be deeper than Love.

I think the lesson I need to learn is that God's love is not up for discussion. I will do terrible things and think terrible thoughts, but He will love me no less because of them. He can only love. He is capable of forgiving and forgetting. I will choose myself again and again but He will always choose me. What great love He has for us, friends. I have so much to learn about Him.