I know I'm not that old, but it seems the older I get the more I realize how rigid time is. We cannot undo what we have done, and if we make mistakes in the future we cannot undo those either, no matter how deeply we wish we could. Time only goes in one direction, and that is such a mystery to me. I'm no longer a little girl who has her whole life ahead of her. Now I am a young woman trying to figure out what she wants her life to be about. And I know that maybe I shouldn't be thinking about death, but I have been lately- how we all only have a certain amount of time on earth and how I have been the one to waste years of my life, and how that was a choice I could have avoided had I taken myself less seriously. Life is not something we can do over, and just as there was a beginning, there will be an end to my life.
And yet...
I was at Bible study the other night, and I was thinking about how God didn't create us intending that we would sin. He originally intended, and still intends, for us to be with Him in Eden- in limitless communication with Him. He took a risk loving us- He took a risk giving us free will, and we did fall. But He still wants us, so He made a way for us to be with Him. He fixed what we did so that good can truly reign. And when this life is over, when everything is said and done, we will be with Him as He originally intended. This life is a consequence of the prideful choice we made. That's why Jesus says that this world is not our home. This current life is not all there is. He didn't intend for the earth to become what it is, but it became this hurting messy thing because of free will and original sin. This life isn't fulfilling or complete because we were originally meant for Eden.
I'm glad that this life isn't all there is. That there was and is more intended for me than this messy life. What a comforting thought that is to me. What a God I serve- Who is closer to me than a family member, and yet even more than that- He and I are one in spirit. He knows my soul more intimately than anyone possibly ever could. I'm so glad I no longer feel the need to hide from Him. I still am struggling with having a working, healthy relationship with Him, but I'm on my way, I think. I've known about Jesus for a long time, but now I feel as though I am getting to know Him, and getting to know myself- a person who is not as concerned about plans or what other people believe. It is a freeing thing to believe in and know Jesus Christ. It is a beautiful thing to see myself as He does.
It will get much harder, I think, but it seems that self-discipline has been working for me lately, and faithfully reading the Word is helping me too. I'm excited to see what He has in store for me, but I am content for now not to know. With Him I can be someone I don't have the strength to be on my own. With Him my life is better, and I think I'm starting to fall in love.
No comments:
Post a Comment