sometimes we change because we have to.
ignore the negativity. they believe in me. i ought to.
you can rise to this challenge.
adopt new attitudes. they are a choice.
sometimes saying the words really can make you believe them.
don't hold on to things and don't grab for them. but hang on for the ride.
maybe it won't really be that bad. if it is: one breath at a time. you're stronger than you think.
do you do well to be angry? just calm down. it's okay even if it isn't.
why am i always trying to ignore You?
what would happen if i lived the way He calls me to? what if i pursued Him with reckless abandon?
this is your chance to start all over again.
you're not alone. and it's going to be okay.
reset.
So much of why I view the world the way I do is because of the chorus of thoughts parading through my brain without a filter. I think that maybe this summer I need to do some rearranging in there- clean it out and do what I can to organize and identify what is worth keeping and believing in and what is harmful to my well-being and self-efficacy. Slowing down my thoughts and giving them names and categories is challenging and tiresome, but I'm realizing that labeling my thoughts is the first step towards having a mental filter. I have a seriously monitored filter over what I choose to verbalize- I am psychotically attentive to what I say or don't say to my friends, but then I let the negativity run rampant in my mind without even the foundation of a filter in place to protect me from myself. I think I need to close the gap between the words I say to people and the words I say to myself. I didn't ever stop to think that "treat others as you want to be treated" was complicated for me. I treat other people as well as I can but I neglect to acknowledge any of my own good qualities. I treat others as real people but I don't have that much regard for myself. I treat other people the way I want to be treated, but I don't treat myself that way. Maybe that's not cool eh?
The thing is, I have to get myself under control. Because, well, I think frankly I've gotten out of hand in the last few years. If I don't keep it together, I think the end result could be bad. Being on the non-plan plan, I don't think I'll have too much structure or continuity to keep me in line. Hopefully during this strange time I can mellow out a little and learn some valuable things that I've just not been dealing with over the last three years. One thing at a time. I'm struggling with the fact that nothing ever seems right- even when we think we're in the right, we aren't even if it's in some small way. Human imperfection is just plain annoying. I don't like that lessons can be unlearned. I don't like that things don't stay dead. And right now, I don't really like people. I don't like that either. I don't like how I feel about things and the way I see things.
Despite all of that, I have a hard time changing and updating those things. Often I feel stuck with those attitudes. But, I'm over the fact that the way I feel about things overshadows the truth I know. That's too bad- it's time to be the master over my emotions instead of the other way around. I don't want to make excuses (no matter how seemingly legitimate) for not changing and sinking deeper into the sludge of my me-ness. I need to listen to the spider-silk sentences I listed above. They may seem weak enough for me to punch through but they're the ropes that are going to pull me out of the sinking sand. I need to get over the fact that I'm a mess. Because after all, who isn't? I will no longer choose to not be comforted. I will no longer choose excuses why the offered amount of comfort isn't enough. I'm not going to let the negative me continue to conquer the positive me. I won't do what I've been doing anymore.
And then...suddenly everything feels possible. I didn't know that possibility could equate to hope. I'm telling you it does. :)
kb
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
goodbyes.
Well. It's been a heck of a Junior year. I can't believe it's summer now and I'm done with school- not just for the next three months but possibly, probably for good. It's been an emotional few days for me, and now I find myself mostly mentally fried. It's so strange to not even give a thought to what the day after tomorrow could hold- it seems I only have the capacity to imagine that tomorrow is possible, which is pretty cool I guess. It's just strange to realize my perspective seems so unhinged when compared to how my friends have so many plans and so much of their schedule for the year planned out already. Being a planner by nature, I'd think it would be more difficult for me to not have a plan...but so far it's been pretty nice. I've been keeping myself busy unpacking and rearranging the elements of my life that didn't have places before in my room. I think accepting that I'm on the "non-plan plan" has really helped me a lot- not to say that God won't do things that will surprise me during this laid-back season of my life. I fully except that in another six months or a year, I'll find myself facing a number of fears to accept and enjoy happiness, peace, and health. I'm looking forward to that, but for now, my eyes aren't looking past tomorrow.
As for the last few days, and the last few months of life with my friends in Morris, I will try my best to get out what emotions are still looming in there. I don't think it hit me that I was officially leaving Morris and my friends for good until we were walking down the sidewalk outside of J4 after checking out. It wasn't until then that I realized that the dynamics of my friendships with my roommates and IVCFers would never be the same as it had been this year. I have never burst into tears before, but I did right then. So many amazing memories took place in that teeny apartment, with many amazing friends who are such blessings to me. I think that J4 will always be home to me in some regards. I may have endured many of the most difficult personal crises of my life to date in that apartment, but when I think of J4 I only think of hysterical laughter, spinach, Fit to Strip shenans, Bstuds, jam sessions, crispy granola, bubbles, rubber gloves, asian fire drills, fetuses, windex, inappropriate conversations, gossip girl marathons, dance parties, and heart-to-hearts about our fears and our lives. I can't believe I only lived with those girls for a school year. I'm horribly sad to not be living with them next year. I can't help but feel like I'll be missing out on something that I know to be amazing. I'll come back and visit, but I know it won't be like it was- and that, I daresay, is a tragedy. I love you all so so so much, you are my J4evers- Ellie, Pons, and JoJo. Thank you for putting up with my half-hearted stick-in-the-mud-ness. Thank you for the late-night talks and for being my family away from home. Thank you for being the joy of my life this school year.
As for other friends who have left and are leaving, I have missed you much and will miss you much. I didn't realize that I am horrible at goodbyes and the concept of saying goodbye until Bekah left last semester before Christmas break. I held it together until she was out the door and then I cried, surprising even myself. I'm fortunate to have seen her and Jenessa since then however. They both were there for me during the worst time of my life, and I thank you both for that. You both have been a comfort to me just because you were there and listened. I will never forget you two, my lovely sisters.
Also to Aimee, I know it never worked out for us to room together, but I've so enjoyed mentoring together and just hearing about your life and struggles. You're a beautiful person and I wish you luck with your last semester and move to Colorado in the winter. You're a keeper and I love you. To the wonderful Lyndsey- I know we haven't talked much this year, but I can't tell you how much of a blessing it was to be your roommate two years ago. When I think of you I can't help but be proud of who you are and what you've accomplished. THANK YOU FOR THE GUITAR. You're one of my absolute favorite people, and I feel like God hand picked you to be my roommate and friend. You are truly amazing and I will never forget your kindness, generosity, down-to-earth-ness, and willingness to stand up for me. I love you so.
As for the men of IVCF, well, I have to give a shout out or two. To Dan, for his earnestness and consideration. Thank you for being a brother and for being so helpful in IVCF- your hard work doesn't go unnoticed and neither does your heart. To Bbotz for his hugs and his friendliness. Every time you pray, you refer to the exact things I am struggling with- thank you for being a vessel for Jesus through your kindness and gentleness. To Jaws for his wisdom and insight. I've learned so much from you in Bstud and you have so much to say- keep saying it. I see so much of Him shining through you- thank you for your contagious passion. To Nolan, for his fun-loving nature and sturdy belief in God. You've helped me through so much- I know I wouldn't have made it through last year without you. Thank you for teaching me how to play guitar, for making me feel listened to, and for sharing your musical tastes, dreams, and heart with me over the last two years. You are such a dear friend to me.
If any of you ever need anything, please contact me. I don't want to lose touch with the people who have stuck by me and taught me so many things. I pray that you all would experience God's love and faithfulness during the year to come, and that you would trust Him in every circumstance and fear. I'll be praying for your safety in travel and in spirit, and for your willingness to obey God and love Him with every possible area of your life and heart. Thank you all for being there when I needed to feel like I wasn't alone. Thank you for filling my life with your specific you-ness that is so amazing. You've all been a blessing to me, and I think of you all as my brothers and sisters.
I don't know why God planned for me to leave Morris a year early after making such amazing friends, or why He thought it better I didn't ever know what it would be like to partake in a UMM graduation ceremony, but I have faith that even though He has nothing exact planned for me currently, He still does have a plan. I think this season of my life that I'm entering into ought to be dedicated specifically to Him, for realz this time. No one and nothing can be allowed to come between the importance I place on my relationship with God. I'm realizing that even what I do isn't as important as knowing who He is and who I am in Him. Love is all that matters. If you all think of it, pray for me to find a decent job and to put God first on my priority list. Thanks again for being a comfort to a hurting soul. I love you all so much. Stay sweet.
As for the last few days, and the last few months of life with my friends in Morris, I will try my best to get out what emotions are still looming in there. I don't think it hit me that I was officially leaving Morris and my friends for good until we were walking down the sidewalk outside of J4 after checking out. It wasn't until then that I realized that the dynamics of my friendships with my roommates and IVCFers would never be the same as it had been this year. I have never burst into tears before, but I did right then. So many amazing memories took place in that teeny apartment, with many amazing friends who are such blessings to me. I think that J4 will always be home to me in some regards. I may have endured many of the most difficult personal crises of my life to date in that apartment, but when I think of J4 I only think of hysterical laughter, spinach, Fit to Strip shenans, Bstuds, jam sessions, crispy granola, bubbles, rubber gloves, asian fire drills, fetuses, windex, inappropriate conversations, gossip girl marathons, dance parties, and heart-to-hearts about our fears and our lives. I can't believe I only lived with those girls for a school year. I'm horribly sad to not be living with them next year. I can't help but feel like I'll be missing out on something that I know to be amazing. I'll come back and visit, but I know it won't be like it was- and that, I daresay, is a tragedy. I love you all so so so much, you are my J4evers- Ellie, Pons, and JoJo. Thank you for putting up with my half-hearted stick-in-the-mud-ness. Thank you for the late-night talks and for being my family away from home. Thank you for being the joy of my life this school year.
As for other friends who have left and are leaving, I have missed you much and will miss you much. I didn't realize that I am horrible at goodbyes and the concept of saying goodbye until Bekah left last semester before Christmas break. I held it together until she was out the door and then I cried, surprising even myself. I'm fortunate to have seen her and Jenessa since then however. They both were there for me during the worst time of my life, and I thank you both for that. You both have been a comfort to me just because you were there and listened. I will never forget you two, my lovely sisters.
Also to Aimee, I know it never worked out for us to room together, but I've so enjoyed mentoring together and just hearing about your life and struggles. You're a beautiful person and I wish you luck with your last semester and move to Colorado in the winter. You're a keeper and I love you. To the wonderful Lyndsey- I know we haven't talked much this year, but I can't tell you how much of a blessing it was to be your roommate two years ago. When I think of you I can't help but be proud of who you are and what you've accomplished. THANK YOU FOR THE GUITAR. You're one of my absolute favorite people, and I feel like God hand picked you to be my roommate and friend. You are truly amazing and I will never forget your kindness, generosity, down-to-earth-ness, and willingness to stand up for me. I love you so.
As for the men of IVCF, well, I have to give a shout out or two. To Dan, for his earnestness and consideration. Thank you for being a brother and for being so helpful in IVCF- your hard work doesn't go unnoticed and neither does your heart. To Bbotz for his hugs and his friendliness. Every time you pray, you refer to the exact things I am struggling with- thank you for being a vessel for Jesus through your kindness and gentleness. To Jaws for his wisdom and insight. I've learned so much from you in Bstud and you have so much to say- keep saying it. I see so much of Him shining through you- thank you for your contagious passion. To Nolan, for his fun-loving nature and sturdy belief in God. You've helped me through so much- I know I wouldn't have made it through last year without you. Thank you for teaching me how to play guitar, for making me feel listened to, and for sharing your musical tastes, dreams, and heart with me over the last two years. You are such a dear friend to me.
If any of you ever need anything, please contact me. I don't want to lose touch with the people who have stuck by me and taught me so many things. I pray that you all would experience God's love and faithfulness during the year to come, and that you would trust Him in every circumstance and fear. I'll be praying for your safety in travel and in spirit, and for your willingness to obey God and love Him with every possible area of your life and heart. Thank you all for being there when I needed to feel like I wasn't alone. Thank you for filling my life with your specific you-ness that is so amazing. You've all been a blessing to me, and I think of you all as my brothers and sisters.
I don't know why God planned for me to leave Morris a year early after making such amazing friends, or why He thought it better I didn't ever know what it would be like to partake in a UMM graduation ceremony, but I have faith that even though He has nothing exact planned for me currently, He still does have a plan. I think this season of my life that I'm entering into ought to be dedicated specifically to Him, for realz this time. No one and nothing can be allowed to come between the importance I place on my relationship with God. I'm realizing that even what I do isn't as important as knowing who He is and who I am in Him. Love is all that matters. If you all think of it, pray for me to find a decent job and to put God first on my priority list. Thanks again for being a comfort to a hurting soul. I love you all so much. Stay sweet.
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