"at the end of it all, i want to be in Your arms..."
"so tell me, what is our ending?
will it be beautiful, so beautiful?
will my life find me by Your side?
Your love is beautiful, so beautiful"
I don't want anything else...what else COULD I want?? Just You Jesus...after all this, I still just want You- even more than before God...please just come down and shake me up in Your love and promises and bigness...show me who You are and all the things You've done and will do. After all the chaos there is finally peace...and love...and forgiveness and goodness and light... After all this I find myself living again- or maybe living for the first real time. The darkness was so scary but now there is so much good. There is so much beauty in my devastation. I changed a lot during that time but You never did- You loved me even in the moments of absolute apathy and neglect of my relationship with You. In the moment when I cared the least about You, You cared the most. Every moment You love the most. I've always known God that I don't need anything else but You. But this summer...You've taught me that I don't want anything else either. After being so tricked and so lied to about everything, You still are victorious in winning the battle for my soul. You always will be. I may be swayed, but Your plans CANNOT be tampered with.
You have a complicated tapestry of life- weaving me into the lives of others, some of the thread that is me involved in a big pattern and some in just a small design. Being the thread makes it difficult to see what designs You're weaving. But You are weaving, sewing, working. I will never be able to see the whole masterpiece when I will always be the thread. But I trust, because I know You are who You say You are, that this infinite masterpiece that I am a part of will be good. As I am pulled through others' stitches and involved in designs that require other threads, You are my guide- the One who will pull my thread through the valleys of downward stitches and the peaks of upward stitches. And when my thread breaks and is released from the part of the tapestry I was involved in, then and only then will I be able to look back at the designs behind me and see which stitches were made for You and which stitches had to be reinforced again and again before moving on. I don't want to hide in the fibers of my humanity God, but live in the Hand who is stitching- in the glory and mystery that is this masterpiece we all have a thread in. I don't want my thread to stitch a design of disaster and disobedience and hatred and anger, but a design of love and life and joy and beauty. Your Holy Spirit makes me capable of that.
After coming this far, I will never be the same nor will I ever walk away from You. You've brought me too far to turn back. I don't want to miss out even for a moment on the beautiful, so beautiful life You have planned to stitch in the masterpiece tapestry You have intended. I want my life to mirror Yours God- for the first time... I just want You. I want to leave everything else behind for You God... reckless abandon... I want You to be pleased with me when at the end of it all, I find myself in Your arms.
Thank You Jesus. Thank You so much for not giving up on me. Forgive me for letting go of You even for a moment in reaching for anything else. Please make me beautiful in Your eyes... I long to be regarded as precious by someone God but I already am...I always have been. I
