this is scary but they weren't scared
the moon rises full
crying in the window reflecting sunlight
they longed to feel something
stuck so long in my comfortable unconsciousness
my favorite self-induced coma
longing for a feeling felt in another heart that is my own but not
living in a gray sort of haze-like life, devoid of dealings and resolutions
dull confusion from all these random thoughts that i can't explain
knowing to let go, but not of what to let go
heavily self-medicated by perpetual doses of denial and deep gasps
ignorant of the name or nature of that beast whispering to my unconscious
my own self-made reality to drown and fail at living and breathing and being
yet smile and laugh and succeed i did all the while i was peacefully drowning
the art had no color, nor music any common sense
i felt what i could not understand
stuffed neatly in the corner by those who couldn't have known better than i
my heart hiding quietly in the shadows, chained there by pleasant lies
i watched the world move separately from me
watched myself move separately from me
the tracking of my television skipping behind and forward as my words and actions left me
not attempting much
i rejoiced in ideas and thoughts and certain emotions
but lamented that that's all they were. i never could mean the things i wrote, though convinced, i was, that i did.
animal and alien instincts without cognition jerked me here and there and back again
confusedly feeling by far the most in my downfalls and torturedness, confusing everyone else again. and there again.
feeling like i was losing and screaming in a room where no one would listen
just stay in the corner and smile like before, because you miss my dumb simplicity
submissive mistaken for strong
riding the deluge of emotions coming from my imagination in order to feel something, like you feel, but i longed for more
my only escape from denial hidden in my fear and vast, comfortable extremes
getting let down again
getting hurt again because somehow i deserved it, and took the blame
wrong, wrong, wrong. i'm always wrong. i am the personification of wrong.
you told me so and treated me thus
you were lost too and in your desire to help you wished me ill
which i was promptly given
and i finally woke up
