trying

I'm no good at transitions. I don't know how people do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only conscious person walking around in the world- the only person conscious of anything going on inside. I just can't seem to pull it off. I don't know how to let things end and just be whatever they were. I don't know how to move on to something else, even if I'm excited about it. This is going to be difficult.

I feel ready for change- for real change. I feel capable of it. But I am afraid. Big surprise. I am disappointed in myself. But maybe I shouldn't be. I'm trying my hardest. I've never felt like this. For as long as I can remember, I've been closed up. And this is the closest I've ever felt to feeling open. I don't want to keep doing the things I wish I didn't do. I want to go after the things I need. And I'm trying.

And as for the things I've been learning and the issues that have recently taken on a life of their own, I'm not as afraid. I'm not as afraid of myself as I have been. My attempt to quarantine my mistakes from anyone's knowledge, even my own, needs to loosen up. I shouldn't necessarily be ashamed of myself. One day, it will be right, and I just pray that the shame I have been feeling all my life will be faced and dealt with even more in the coming year. Antagonizing myself about it is doing me absolutely no good.

This year, I want to work on being open. I want to work on doing things differently- on doing the things I have never been willing to do. The only person stopping me is me. And I'm tired of that. I have been depressed and insecure and afraid, and I still fee l like I am those things, but I don't want to use those things as excuses anymore. I have hope that this can be the best year of my life if I let it be. If I do the work.

can't help hoping

I'm getting myself back again. It hurts but that's okay. Sometimes it hurts because it has to. I don't always see things clearly, in there. The truth isn't always clear, but it's still there. I know who I am. But am I willing to defend it? Am I willing to keep fighting toward something good? I may be doubtful whether people can really change, but I don't have any choice but to have hope that I can have the things I dream of. I can't help hoping. I have to hope. I feel like this is the year of my life in which I get my act together. I'm doing what I have not done before- what I haven't had the courage to do before, despite knowing my faults and insecurities to an even deeper level. I have to get out of this rut. More and more, I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to be... I wanted to get better. Then I wanted to be better. And now, I just want to be me. That's a job that literally only I can do.

[it's good to feel a sting now and again]