prayers

Hey. I've been meaning to talk to You. There's been a lot on my mind lately- You know this. I've been spending a lot more time thinking about my future than I have about You. Or even genuinely thanking You that I can even be seriously thinking about it. Ultimately though, things happen- and all of this is under Your control, not mine. Ultimately, we're not married yet. And even when we are, I will never be totally his. I can only ever be totally Yours, in every way. I'm sorry for not making time for You- for taking more delight in what You have given me than in You Yourself. Thank You that I can at least handle all this. I know without medication it would be pretty much impossible. Without it, I might have lost him already. Maybe You knew that. Yikes. What a mess I am without Your help. I wonder how things would've been different had I started taking medication years ago? Anyway, You matter the most in my life. Without You I have nothing. Literally. Nothing. Forgive me for temporarily forgetting that. You know how I get caught up in things. I've really been losing sight of You and even of myself in all this. I was afraid of that. Of losing myself in belonging to another. My responsibility is to You. You're the One I answer to for my behaviors, good or bad. I think I'm still learning how to walk on two feet. How strange, that I need to learn how to have a normal, balanced life not afflicted by the suffocating blanket of depression and anxiety. Thank You for releasing me from it. Help me to tread lightly, Lord- to figure out what steps I ought to be taking. Not just because I can. It's strange how every single thing feels different. Literally everything looks different. How strange that I have to become reacquainted with the same old (mysteriously mine and Yours) friends that look and feel less familiar, less akin to me. I miss this. I miss thinking this way. Thank You for showing me that I am valuable, that the substance I exist of is important and on purpose. You are a mighty God, and I am thankful that I get to praise You for Your goodness and mercy. Without You, I would be nothing. Have nothing. I love You. Teach me to love more. Teach me how to walk, and teach me how to love. What a beautiful thing it is that You lead by example, Lord. You are good. Teach me how to do good with Your blessings. I have caused myself great harm, Lord. Thank You for healing what my hands have done. Forgiveness changes everything.