you know that thing?

Yup. I'm feelin the magic tonight. I'm not sure what it is- but- I feel it. That thing where you can literally feel your own creativity dancing in the room with you- that thing where you feel like you can do anything- that thing where you aren't afraid to start something new, or to start creating something new again. That thing where you lose your fear of failing- that thing where your eyes can only see possibility and brightness. :) I like that thing.

I embrace that thing. Tonight, I embrace everything. To new beginnings! To newness and growth! To forgiveness and grace and light! To being alive!

I embrace me.

Thank you Christmas. Thank you new lamp. Thank you sewing machine and thread. Thank you water. Thank you plastic on my windows. Thank you rug. Thank you light. Thank you skin. Thank you wrapping paper scraps. Thank you permanent marker.

Thank you breath. Thank you eyes. Thank you fingertips. Thank you thoughts. Thank you health. Thank you music. Thank you snow. Thank you commitment. Thank you  Mom. Thank you beginnings.

Thank you life.

Thank You. My life is glorious. Thank You.

His kind of love

"His kind of love is reckless for us. His kind of love will never give up till the whole world knows how far He came to show His kind of love. This is our God- He is strong, and His mercy is our song. He won't stop chasing us- that's just His kind of love. I could try but I could not explain."

No matter how I backslide, You are still there. You are still loving me. Your love is literally RECKLESS. You do not hold back when loving me. Help me not to hold back in loving others. Thank You SO MUCH for everything You've given me...for how You've changed my life- jumpstarted my heart so that my soul can get out and be free. You have made me new. Brand new. I am so thankful...and I love You so much. I can't believe how different things are now...how You've brought me through the darkness and the pain and into the light. All along I was safe, but I couldn't know it. You weren't gone. You were there. Every second. Loving me while I hated You. Forgive me for scorning You... I was DEAD- DYING....and now I am alive. Now, I live. I could not walk...but now I can dance. Thank You for restoring me...for waking me up... You always have a plan. And it always works perfectly.

Looking at these notes on my wall and where I wrote those down from...where my heart was at when I wrote them....how I was trying my hardest and my hardest was not enough. I could not have saved myself. I needed to trust You- to dive in faith first.... And what amazing things You have given me....how consistent You have been in loving me. Oh how You have continuously blessed me...without me deserving any of it. You have been fighting for me every second.

sharpen

I'm going through my stuff today and packing up some of it. I found some old notebooks- some academic and some other...both of which have made me incredibly sad. It's funny what time allows you to forget until you read about your personal hell in your own handwriting. My memories from that time are usually vague and generalized and difficult for me to describe. But reading those journals and letters...I remember how vivid everything was and how I saw the world.

I'm not sad that I found them though. I'm glad I wrote down my feelings. I'm glad it's documented. I'm just sad that so much of my life was wasted on inner torment and delirium. I mourn for that time when, for me, there was no sun, no hope, no joy, no love- because now I know that there is always sun, hope, joy, and love. It was always there, I just couldn't see it. I know that He never left me.

I've been working on forgiveness lately. And while it may seem strange to forgive a time in my life, I want to. I want to forgive myself for the way I handled things. I was honestly and genuinely doing my best- trying my hardest to keep my head above the water. Praise God that He had my hand in His, and guided me through the rapids. I ought to apologize to my friends too, for sticking with me. I said some horrible things and could not love them during that time. They had every reason to leave me, give up on me, disown me- but they didn't, even though I wasn't sorry.

I will keep these words. I will keep them to remind me how far down I was- to make me thankful and grateful to God for delivering me from it. I actually have a life now. I am actually LIVING my life now. I feel like I have been given a new life, a new start- a new way to be human (as Switchfoot would say). I will keep learning how to walk on these new legs and to breathe with these new lungs and see through these new eyes. But I don't want to forget what it was like to be enslaved by the thoughts I had then. I don't want to forget what it was like to suffer every moment of the day. Because time dulls the memories I have of my "previous life," I don't want to take for granted the much freer life I live now. I don't want to ever forget the pain. Now pain only sharpens my joy.

dirt

I haven't been writing as much. I miss it. I actually got up the guts to read through a story I had started working on a while ago. I had tried to continue writing it but I couldn't. Criticism is so stunting.

It's funny how much richer life seems when there is some mud and blood mixed in between the moving frames. The grit, the skinned knees...how strange that sometimes I miss that rawness.

Although I miss my depth and passion, I do not miss the irrationality and madness. What a strangely delicious hell it was back then. How everything swirled and dove and turned through me...what a horrible beauty. But now the blood on my hands (that was my own) is no longer there. Just lumpy scars and dream-like memories.

But oh, how the darkness made everything else sparkle. I miss the intensity and the way I knew myself so deeply.

Now stumbling over my ghosts and stalling at my shadows is frustrating and cold. I used to hide behind my hot blooded vision, but now I just stand there and stubbornly freeze. There is nothing inner to comfort me. Though, frankly, that is good.

Forgive me for the confusion I caused. Forgive me the mess I made.

hello sunrise

It's all going to be okay and it's all going to be alright
the storm is over and the darkness gone
please get taken over by this reality
the past has no hold on you now
what's then is not what's now
step forward and breathe in deep
forgive and forget, live and let live
cultivate your garden richly
water the grass you're standing on
hello sunrise.

prayers

Hey. I've been meaning to talk to You. There's been a lot on my mind lately- You know this. I've been spending a lot more time thinking about my future than I have about You. Or even genuinely thanking You that I can even be seriously thinking about it. Ultimately though, things happen- and all of this is under Your control, not mine. Ultimately, we're not married yet. And even when we are, I will never be totally his. I can only ever be totally Yours, in every way. I'm sorry for not making time for You- for taking more delight in what You have given me than in You Yourself. Thank You that I can at least handle all this. I know without medication it would be pretty much impossible. Without it, I might have lost him already. Maybe You knew that. Yikes. What a mess I am without Your help. I wonder how things would've been different had I started taking medication years ago? Anyway, You matter the most in my life. Without You I have nothing. Literally. Nothing. Forgive me for temporarily forgetting that. You know how I get caught up in things. I've really been losing sight of You and even of myself in all this. I was afraid of that. Of losing myself in belonging to another. My responsibility is to You. You're the One I answer to for my behaviors, good or bad. I think I'm still learning how to walk on two feet. How strange, that I need to learn how to have a normal, balanced life not afflicted by the suffocating blanket of depression and anxiety. Thank You for releasing me from it. Help me to tread lightly, Lord- to figure out what steps I ought to be taking. Not just because I can. It's strange how every single thing feels different. Literally everything looks different. How strange that I have to become reacquainted with the same old (mysteriously mine and Yours) friends that look and feel less familiar, less akin to me. I miss this. I miss thinking this way. Thank You for showing me that I am valuable, that the substance I exist of is important and on purpose. You are a mighty God, and I am thankful that I get to praise You for Your goodness and mercy. Without You, I would be nothing. Have nothing. I love You. Teach me to love more. Teach me how to walk, and teach me how to love. What a beautiful thing it is that You lead by example, Lord. You are good. Teach me how to do good with Your blessings. I have caused myself great harm, Lord. Thank You for healing what my hands have done. Forgiveness changes everything.

be

I know myself through the music I listen to. I can hear myself better when I listen to music I love. My own pulse- beating, driving, breaking with the tempo and the strums and bass. What a comfort and relief it is to know that I still hear it. After everything, after all this- I still hear it. What a joy it is to know that through all the tumult, I have not lost myself.

Dawn has come, and the night is gone.

And all I can say is...breathe in and breathe out. Whisper and cartwheel and breathe in and breathe out. My darling child's heart- keep humming and twirling and longing. Don't stop listening for the pieces of yourself that you can only find out in the world- in the song and on the mountains and with another beating heart. You embody the beauty you see. You are the beauty you feel. Forgive what was. Embrace you. Only then will you truly embrace others in your life who are longing to know what it is to be embraced by you. It's okay to open now. It's okay to be. Just be.

Come out now, and be free.

barriers still

Lately I've been thinking about things. Is anyone else also afraid of the things you want? I'm worried that my heart will never be opened again like it was back then. I can face my fears all I want, but if I don't let it reach me, change me, what's the point? What's the point of doing what scares you if you aren't risking something? I am less afraid than I have ever been. And yet there are barriers still. It seems that most people are concerned about whether they are loved. That includes me, I guess. But what I am most concerned about now is whether I can love people. Will I ever love someone like that again? The stubborn part of me is shouting a resounding negative. Maybe I just need to heal from all the things I have undergone. The scars are somehow still wounding me. I will never feel ready to let go- it's a choice. A conscious choice. Pack it up, give it away, move onward. What kind of freedom is there in holding on anyway? So much easier said than done.

alive

I really think that this year is going to be the year in which everything changes. I hope it is, anyway. I have hope that it will be the year in which everything changes. I'm hoping to go forward and not look back. And I hope that if I ever do look back, the last few years will just seem like a bad dream I had a long time ago.

I still don't know what I'm doing, but I'm not as scared about it. It's all going to be okay.

And for as much of a non-risk taker as I am, I have done a lot of things that scare me recently. I have proved that I can do things even if I am scared. More and more consistently I am spiting fear and not using it as an excuse to not live my life.

Lots of work yet to be done though. How easily I forget to work hard on the things that matter the most to me. I have hope that it'll all come. Things are changing and I just am realizing that I will have to learn to accept it. I will have to learn to accept this.

At the end of the day, all the other things I'm focused on pale in comparison to how important He is.

It'll come.

again

don't let me sit here alone in an occupied room
with no one to put their shaking hands on my shoulders
with no tingling electricity or heat
with no powerfully powerless words
don't be quiet and silent now
i can't do it again
so don't be gone
just don't be gone

........

I feel out of sorts. I feel like I'm in this weird limbo-type place lately. No man's land. Not quite broken, not quite well. Just...here. I can't make things make sense. My thoughts are jumbled and confused, constantly losing my train of thought and trying real hard to remember it again.

I keep feeling like I'm searching the room feverishly with blind eyes, kind of kicking through the things on the floor and stumbling into objects and furniture. I feel like components of myself are scattered around the place and I cannot successfully collect them. And if I sit perfectly still, breathing and trying and yearning to rest, the things I'm grasping for start to speak up. If I sit still and breathe in and then out, I just ask myself why and why and why. And when I open my eyes, and walk on these sore bones, I wish it was over already.

What's wrong with me?

trying

I'm no good at transitions. I don't know how people do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only conscious person walking around in the world- the only person conscious of anything going on inside. I just can't seem to pull it off. I don't know how to let things end and just be whatever they were. I don't know how to move on to something else, even if I'm excited about it. This is going to be difficult.

I feel ready for change- for real change. I feel capable of it. But I am afraid. Big surprise. I am disappointed in myself. But maybe I shouldn't be. I'm trying my hardest. I've never felt like this. For as long as I can remember, I've been closed up. And this is the closest I've ever felt to feeling open. I don't want to keep doing the things I wish I didn't do. I want to go after the things I need. And I'm trying.

And as for the things I've been learning and the issues that have recently taken on a life of their own, I'm not as afraid. I'm not as afraid of myself as I have been. My attempt to quarantine my mistakes from anyone's knowledge, even my own, needs to loosen up. I shouldn't necessarily be ashamed of myself. One day, it will be right, and I just pray that the shame I have been feeling all my life will be faced and dealt with even more in the coming year. Antagonizing myself about it is doing me absolutely no good.

This year, I want to work on being open. I want to work on doing things differently- on doing the things I have never been willing to do. The only person stopping me is me. And I'm tired of that. I have been depressed and insecure and afraid, and I still fee l like I am those things, but I don't want to use those things as excuses anymore. I have hope that this can be the best year of my life if I let it be. If I do the work.

can't help hoping

I'm getting myself back again. It hurts but that's okay. Sometimes it hurts because it has to. I don't always see things clearly, in there. The truth isn't always clear, but it's still there. I know who I am. But am I willing to defend it? Am I willing to keep fighting toward something good? I may be doubtful whether people can really change, but I don't have any choice but to have hope that I can have the things I dream of. I can't help hoping. I have to hope. I feel like this is the year of my life in which I get my act together. I'm doing what I have not done before- what I haven't had the courage to do before, despite knowing my faults and insecurities to an even deeper level. I have to get out of this rut. More and more, I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to be... I wanted to get better. Then I wanted to be better. And now, I just want to be me. That's a job that literally only I can do.

[it's good to feel a sting now and again]