Even though time has passed and my life has moved on in a much more positive way, it's strange how much of my struggles during college and high school have stuck with me. The anxiety has lessened and the depression lightened, but I still dream about those pressure-filled times of my life on a regular basis.
I'm always encountering some sort of anxiety-driven trauma back in my high school or in a classroom at UMM- even in a dream it feels real. But then right before I wake up, I always realize that I'm not in high school anymore- or that I don't attend college anymore, and I simply walk out of the building.
Why can't my subconscious let those troubled times go?
Today all this sort of hit me in the face at a vulnerable moment. I realized that even though I am happy in my new life, I still am deeply afraid of failing. I spent most of my high school (and even grade school I suppose) career feeling the pressure to respect the authority of my teachers- and what that meant for me then was not ever being late, completing every assignment on time, and never distracting others in class. When I went to college, I was able to keep those "rules" for a while, but as my depression and anxiety worsened, I broke my own rules. Not by choice, but because I couldn't keep them anymore. I was not able to show up to class on time or even at all in some cases. I was not able to keep my word to specific teachers that I would meet with them. I was not able to finish my assignments, and therefore not able to pass at least one of my classes.
When I told my mom about the troubles I was having at UMM, I remember her telling me that she was okay with my decision to leave school without graduating- and specifically that she didn't want me to worry about her thinking that I had failed.
Even though she said that, and meant it, I guess it didn't change the experiences I had and the devastating emotions attached to them. Obviously, I think that I failed. The worst thing is that at that time, I was doing my best. I was trying as much as I was able, and it was not enough.
Now that time has passed, I realize that I am ashamed of my behavior during that time. I am ashamed that I failed in so many areas of my life- not just academic. I was not a good friend. I was not a good Christian. I was not a good student. I was wildly irritable and could not be convinced anymore of God's goodness and sovereignty. I was extremely sensitive and easily wounded by the people closest to me who in reality did nothing wrong. My life was seeping through my fingers and I could do nothing about it.
I have received forgiveness from my friends and felt true and sincere regret for the way I was then. I have made amends (painstakingly) with God, and have accepted His forgiveness too. But I guess I never forgave myself for the things I did and thought and willed- I never forgave myself for breaking my rules- educational and non.
So much of life is learning to accept things you can't change. I suppose this is one of those things.
Here's to the road to forgiveness, peace, and no more anxious dreams about school.
