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Wow. So many thoughts right now! I'm currently just...really happy with the way the world sounds tonight. I went outside and took some pictures in the sound and the light, and my soul felt like it was dancing when I did. It feels good to get lost in it, sometimes. You know? It's the kind of thing that goes for miles, forever, in every direction- the kind of thing that has no time, no containment, no tense, no constraints of any kind. The kind of thing you see with your soul, it is. Like if sunshine was a state of being, a place, a tangible thing that hits your heart and not just your skin. Where all the bad things that I find myself thinking about- all those negative, humiliating things that sneak in without notice- all just go away. Where all the ways my heart hurts and breaks and yields just don't exist. And I can only dance within my soul, with my camera in my hand and Him in the other.

an imaginary boyfriend

Being a writer, I often imagine myself through scenes of dialogue within whatever story I'm currently working on. But recently I've been thinking a lot about my own life- writing my own story, like Don Miller's book. And so this morning I was daydreaming about a "story" that was really my own life and what I hoped would happen and who I hoped I would eventually marry and whatever. I had probably been thinking about it/dozing for about forty minutes when I realized that God was speaking all KINDS of truth to me through this imaginary guy that I was imagining myself dating in the future. Sometimes I speak truth to myself through the mouths of others...in my mind... Yeah, haha. I'm just glad that this morning I realized how much of what I imagined being told, was really what I needed to be told. Let's see if I can recap.

I admitted a sin to this imaginary boyfriend, and he told me that he wasn't going to use the word forgiveness because I hadn't hurt him- that he wasn't the one I should be confessing to. He wasn't the one I needed to receive forgiveness from. He said that if he tried to reach in and heal that broken place in me, he'd just end up breaking everything else in the process. Only God knows how to heal what needs to be healed and break what needs to be broken. He said I needed to basically treat him like a human, and accordingly confess to God- because He is God. And He's the One with all the forgiveness I need. Mr. Awesome said that Satan is the one who wants me to hang onto my shame- that it isn't hanging onto me like I think it is, like I feel like it is. Satan wants my sin to burn in me like a hot coal. He said my shame and self-loathing is not helping me. It is not keeping me humble, it's only driving a wedge between me and God. He told me to look at how he accepted what I had done, and told me it would be the same with God- that He meets us with acceptance and forgiveness, and not judgment or condemnation.

And it was that last line that got me, that woke me up from my daydreaming. All of that is true of me- the shame and fear and self-loathing- the way I hold onto it as if it's something that won't let go of me- letting it destroy my relationship with God because I have been lied to and tricked into thinking that He is only really interested in punishing me for my repeated mistakes. I'm glad that even when I don't know how to pray and don't know how to listen for His voice, or even how to have a healthy relationship with Him, He knows me well enough to think of speaking through the mouth of an imaginary boyfriend.

Well, I hear You.

I think it's going to be a good day. :)

it pours

"let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water." -hebrews 10:22

Sometimes when it rains, and the air becomes filled with falling water- I feel as though the world becomes much homier. It reminds me of something- though I can't quite put my finger on it. But it's beautiful. I've always thought rain is just mysterious. I can't believe that the single thing that makes the earth what it is, literally falls from the sky. The thing that our whole world depends on to continue, falls from the sky. From clouds. And sometimes it falls with a show of lightning and thunder, as if the whole idea isn't mysterious enough. As if God wants to make it clear that He is the cause of it, that He takes care of us, that He is all-powerful.

And the tree limbs hang heavy with the weight of it- the air turns pale white with water- and any reflection that we normally can see in the stillness of a lake or a puddle is dulled over by millions of ripples and splashes. The world outside suddenly reflects the misty picture of God and His provision for us. For a few minutes or a half hour, instead of seeing Him in His creation, we see Him in what He gives. We see Him in the innumerable drops of clean, pure, fresh water- water that is brand new and untouched by anyone but God.

And I am reminded that this is the kind of water He has washed me with. He washes me with what is necessary for my physical survival, in order that my non-physical survival may be secured. And it doesn't rain because I can control the clouds, but because He gives us what we need. And I need to be clean. For both the eternal forever and the ever-present today. What a blessing it is to know and understand and see.

Today He wants us to jump and play in His image, like the children we are, in the rainy picture of His love for us. So go jump in a puddle today, and when You do- think of Him and how He has made you clean from the inside out.

...waiting

I had a dream last night. I dreamed I was lying in bed, praying- and I definitely could have really been in between sleep and awake praying, when God answered me. And when I was at an understandable loss for words, He asked, "would you like a print-out?" and suddenly there was a printer on my nightstand that proceeded to print off a page of words that apparently He needed me to know. As I was reading the first paragraph, I slowly woke up and started praying for real.

I don't often dream about God. I think I've only dreamed about Him maybe two times in my life that I can remember, including the dream I just described. I prayed for definition of my life. For direction. For guidance- for a push in the right direction- in ANY direction...so long as it means I can feel like I am not in this disturbing stand-still.

I've been thinking though. I haven't been moving because I haven't been giving Him anything to move. You know? It's common to hear the phrase "waiting on God" but what if He's waiting on me? I think maybe He is. And quite honestly, I think I'm waiting too.

When will enough be enough?


"you know what's wrong with you- miss whoever you are? you're chicken- you've got no guts, you're afraid to stick out your chin and say okay life's a fact- people do fall in love, people do belong to each other- because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness. you call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you're terrified somebody's going to stick you in a cage. well baby, you're already in that cage- you built it yourself. and it's not bounded in the west by tulip texas or in the east by somali land, it's wherever you go- because no matter where you run you just end up running into yourself." -breakfast at tiffany's

a real soul

It's been crazy! I thought this week would run me into the ground, but I left the wedding less exhausted than when I arrived! People do energize me, apparently- though only to a point. I had so much fun, and it was SUCH a blessing to see how happy my best friend Lindsey was. She glowed. It was a beautiful wedding and it was magical. And I met so many amazing people who I miss dearly! What a great thing community is.

It's late. But I'm up, still. Been thinking a lot about romance and marriage, naturally. I have two innate reactions to the idea of marriage: fear and desire. And I've picked apart why I am afraid, but not why I desire it so much. It raises a lot of questions in me, I guess. And I wonder if I should reread Redeeming Love, though I'm afraid to because I know it will destroy me all over again.

And I know that I'm missing something. And I know what it is. In the end, I cannot be fulfilled by anything but Christ, despite how I try. I need to get back to the truth again somehow. Of my own volition and not just because. I need to get back to myself again. I think I've lost track of things a bit because of everything becoming so time-consuming and mind-consuming. And I think I need to be honest again. Even if it hurts...even if it means letting myself feel what I am afraid to feel. Reconciliation has never been my strong-suit. I've been quietly hurting again, and it isn't good for me. It isn't good for me to pretend away my pain or avoid my acknowledgement of it.

And while I figure out this thing God and I have going, I have hope that my heart will learn to unclose. I will have hope that one day marriage will not feel like a threateningly vulnerable thing that I worry I cannot handle. I will pray that the people in my life will have patience with me, and that I could please, please, change- grow- become...something. Someone. That I will not be content to be the me that I control and manipulate into pretending to care, pretending to love, pretending to have faith, pretending to believe. I don't want to be a pretender. I want to be a real person. A real soul. A thing that shimmers and shines...a thing that changes and moves and grows. I don't want to be numbed down to a remnant of the person I am- a hologram- a picture- I don't want to be small. I want to be better when I am worse.

Can I really?

so tired i can't sleep

Oh the introvert in me is crying for some time to do nothing by myself... It's been so busy lately, and will continue to be busy for at least the next month. It's been so good to see my friends though. I admit, I love seeing them. But I miss having time to just be with myself. It's a lot easier to figure out how I'm feeling about things when I have the time. I do need people. But I also need me time. Sigh.

I haven't been sleeping well lately, and most of my current whining is because of that. Also because I've been working a lot and have been making mistakes at work. On top of making messes of my relationships. AND sort of edging God out of the picture. I plead guilty. I tend to elbow God out of the way when I know I've messed up. Sometimes I think I do that because I don't want to (or think I can't) endure His disappointment or anger or frustration with me, but in reality- I'm the one feeling those emotions about myself. And God is just forgiving and patient and faithful. Oh, when will I learn?

I think there is probably a moderate amount of unhealth going on about me right now, but I have barely had the time or the energy (or ambition, quite honestly) to do anything about it. I'm wiped out and foreseeing that the week to come will result in me running myself into the ground, just in time to go back to work. It may take me months to refill my introvert-time tank. To recharge my batteries.

And everyone is making plans and moving on like you're supposed to. And it's been a year of me living at home, alone, working a job I don't like. It doesn't seem fair that some people have the desire and aptitude for a career and some don't. It doesn't seem fair that some people are better at being open and some are better at being closed. I don't like that my life has nothing I want in it. My life contains zero percent of my dreams or goals. But I don't know what else I should be doing, so I just keep doing it. I don't love my life. I don't hate it either, I guess. I've been feeling lately, when thinking about this topic, that I seem to be waiting for my life to begin- waiting for something to wake me up- waiting for something to make sense- waiting for something to feel right. And maybe that's just naive. My life began a long time ago. I think I just don't know how to live. Maybe I'm too scared to.