an imaginary boyfriend

Being a writer, I often imagine myself through scenes of dialogue within whatever story I'm currently working on. But recently I've been thinking a lot about my own life- writing my own story, like Don Miller's book. And so this morning I was daydreaming about a "story" that was really my own life and what I hoped would happen and who I hoped I would eventually marry and whatever. I had probably been thinking about it/dozing for about forty minutes when I realized that God was speaking all KINDS of truth to me through this imaginary guy that I was imagining myself dating in the future. Sometimes I speak truth to myself through the mouths of others...in my mind... Yeah, haha. I'm just glad that this morning I realized how much of what I imagined being told, was really what I needed to be told. Let's see if I can recap.

I admitted a sin to this imaginary boyfriend, and he told me that he wasn't going to use the word forgiveness because I hadn't hurt him- that he wasn't the one I should be confessing to. He wasn't the one I needed to receive forgiveness from. He said that if he tried to reach in and heal that broken place in me, he'd just end up breaking everything else in the process. Only God knows how to heal what needs to be healed and break what needs to be broken. He said I needed to basically treat him like a human, and accordingly confess to God- because He is God. And He's the One with all the forgiveness I need. Mr. Awesome said that Satan is the one who wants me to hang onto my shame- that it isn't hanging onto me like I think it is, like I feel like it is. Satan wants my sin to burn in me like a hot coal. He said my shame and self-loathing is not helping me. It is not keeping me humble, it's only driving a wedge between me and God. He told me to look at how he accepted what I had done, and told me it would be the same with God- that He meets us with acceptance and forgiveness, and not judgment or condemnation.

And it was that last line that got me, that woke me up from my daydreaming. All of that is true of me- the shame and fear and self-loathing- the way I hold onto it as if it's something that won't let go of me- letting it destroy my relationship with God because I have been lied to and tricked into thinking that He is only really interested in punishing me for my repeated mistakes. I'm glad that even when I don't know how to pray and don't know how to listen for His voice, or even how to have a healthy relationship with Him, He knows me well enough to think of speaking through the mouth of an imaginary boyfriend.

Well, I hear You.

I think it's going to be a good day. :)