It's been crazy! I thought this week would run me into the ground, but I left the wedding less exhausted than when I arrived! People do energize me, apparently- though only to a point. I had so much fun, and it was SUCH a blessing to see how happy my best friend Lindsey was. She glowed. It was a beautiful wedding and it was magical. And I met so many amazing people who I miss dearly! What a great thing community is.
It's late. But I'm up, still. Been thinking a lot about romance and marriage, naturally. I have two innate reactions to the idea of marriage: fear and desire. And I've picked apart why I am afraid, but not why I desire it so much. It raises a lot of questions in me, I guess. And I wonder if I should reread Redeeming Love, though I'm afraid to because I know it will destroy me all over again.
And I know that I'm missing something. And I know what it is. In the end, I cannot be fulfilled by anything but Christ, despite how I try. I need to get back to the truth again somehow. Of my own volition and not just because. I need to get back to myself again. I think I've lost track of things a bit because of everything becoming so time-consuming and mind-consuming. And I think I need to be honest again. Even if it hurts...even if it means letting myself feel what I am afraid to feel. Reconciliation has never been my strong-suit. I've been quietly hurting again, and it isn't good for me. It isn't good for me to pretend away my pain or avoid my acknowledgement of it.
And while I figure out this thing God and I have going, I have hope that my heart will learn to unclose. I will have hope that one day marriage will not feel like a threateningly vulnerable thing that I worry I cannot handle. I will pray that the people in my life will have patience with me, and that I could please, please, change- grow- become...something. Someone. That I will not be content to be the me that I control and manipulate into pretending to care, pretending to love, pretending to have faith, pretending to believe. I don't want to be a pretender. I want to be a real person. A real soul. A thing that shimmers and shines...a thing that changes and moves and grows. I don't want to be numbed down to a remnant of the person I am- a hologram- a picture- I don't want to be small. I want to be better when I am worse.
Can I really?
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