"Sometimes I long for the rugged mountains of Colorado," he said, gazing a little sadly at the horizon, where I suppose he imagined the mountains should be. Despite what he had said, I thought he looked quite natural here with me, with the wind scattering moths and grasshoppers here and there. As I gazed on him, I thought the prairie suited him very handsomely.
"Suppose you will grow to love the prairie?" I hinted gently. He turned his head and looked at me gently for a long moment, the curve of his smile very slight and yet very prominent. The warmth of his eyes captured me and I saw a glint in his eye, as he looked at me knowingly.
"Perhaps."
A moment passed in silence as he seemed to contemplate this further. His manner eased me as I gazed at him, feeling grateful for the way he sat so humbly and relaxed, his sturdy forearms rested upon able knees. I respected that he was not uncomfortable, but seemed quite confident in his reserved personality. He didn't seem to notice me watching him, and I perceived from him a sense of security- that he felt quite at ease sitting there with me in the warmth of the sun. He appeared quite lovely to me in that moment and I thought of all the women he must have had occasion to call upon.
"Were you in love once? Was there a someone that you loved in Colorado?"
He examined me as though the question had been written instead in my eyes, then turned his gaze back to the green prairie grasses and contemplated but a moment. I waited, feeling the weight of my interest pressing on my heart.
"There was a woman, but love is too strong a word, I suppose. I believed I loved her at the time, I think. Or maybe it was that I wanted to believe I did. In the end, I think I did not excite her enough. I suppose she grew bored of me."
"Bored of you? My, what an unhappy blow that must have been."
"Not as unhappy as I expected. I have much peace since then, a stillness in my chest that shows me that I had only a high regard for her and she for me, and nothing near the sentiments we both thought we ought to have."
"I see."
"And you and your beau- how did he come to take leave of the likes of someone like you?"
"Oh it was much the same, I think, as it was for you. Merely a respect or companionship but nothing more. I think I loved him, but it was a small love- yet I think it was still bigger than his for me." Here I paused, hesitating whether I ought to continue. He patiently waited, seeming to notice that there was more I deliberated saying, but not that my shoulders tensed a bit more than before. "We were engaged- for quite some time..." I mumbled, avoiding his soft eyes pointed on me- I could feel them searching my face, searching my reserved expression.
"But in the end he would not be serious to make true on his promise," he helped, his voice quiet as mine had been. His gentleness eased me some despite the direct words he spoke. I thought to verbalize my confirmation, but only managed a nod. He watched me contentedly for a quiet moment, yet I felt the way he was very present in this small moment in which the grass whispered and the puffy summer clouds held together the sky above us.
"He, very truly, did not know what seed of joy he rejected in doing so," he comforted. I timidly looked upon his genuine eyes and smiled a little smile that seemed to satisfy him. He smiled a bit as well and then a bird darting overheard caught his attention. I drew my hand to my chin and rested it there, watching this lovely man sitting in the grasses as though he had grown tall and strong in them.
"I think your character went unrealized by her. It is quite obvious to me that you, and the peace you feel, will help you on to someone who is capable of loving you whole-heartedly," I said at length, wishing my words could be as beautifully strung together as his; wishing that I could relay what I honestly thought about him- that I believed he deserved far greater than I could express.
His warm eyes returned to mine, and I saw his gratitude for my words. I understood that the meaning between my words had shone through, and I thought the day grew more golden as he looked at me- his eyes a softer hue of green than the environment around him.
"What do you believe of love? We agree it is more than just respect or regard, but what is it in full? Do you believe that my soul could love the soul of another, and that that soul could love mine in return? Do you believe that love could ever run so deep?"
I could not look away from him as he spoke these words. His manner of speaking, so gently, yet with a pointed intensity, adhered my attention to his whole person. I felt very near him, though I had not moved at all.
"Yes," I replied, and saw him realize the resoluteness of my voice and seriousness of my expression. "I can only hope, that yes- love dwells so deep it can scarcely be expressed," I added, feeling a smile in my soul as I spoke. I watched him gaze at me so unashamedly, without fear, and strove to look back into those eyes that calmed and yet excited me with as much confidence as he showed. It seemed that he said so much more than anyone I had ever met by saying nothing at all. Without speaking a word, I knew he agreed with me- that he longed for that deep love as much as I. We both knew that we had never before encountered such altering depths.
After a moment he bent his head to a strand of grass, which he stroked very slowly. I watched his mind moving, seeming to swell and recede with each touch he bestowed on that fortunate strand. His lips wore an almost imperceptible smile, but as I studied it, it seemed to grow without changing its appearance. I wondered at this and examined my own interest of what he was thinking, of what he would say or not say next.
The air moved freely between us a moment or two more before he seemed to come to his conclusions. He replaced his elbow upon his knee again, and I observed the gentle slope of his wrist as I felt a pining to know what he had resolved on the topic presently being discussed. I felt he had left me waiting much longer than necessary for him to speak an agreement, and yet I relished this moment of quiet- this moment of air and breath and sky.
Instead of caving to my silent and patient request that he at long last share in my agreement, he sighed softly and shook his head, as though he hadn't the words sufficient to describe the thoughts he dwelled on. I realized that he believed this soul-deep kind of love to the core of his being, so much to the fact that he could not enable himself to utter how strongly he agreed with me, how strongly he felt that we were correct and not fools to believe in such a thing as soul-love.
To aid him, I sighed too, and let come from my mouth the warmest smile I dared to let him see, in case he chanced to look over at me again. I felt healed of my previous self-degradation- it did not seem to hinder him that my words regarding this tender subject seemed to me so plain. It did not seem to matter to him that my words could not wrap around the way I believed it fiercely.
At length, he did look at me, as though to judge whether I was bored or whether I understood his thoughtful silence. Though I longed to hear some of his beautiful words on the subject- longed to embed them in my memory forever, I respected his quiet reverence for the idea we both chewed upon so earnestly. He saw no impatience or annoyance in me, and I perceived him physically relax at this finding.
"Come," he said finally, "let us walk."
I obeyed, and followed him through the long grasses of the prairie that I always longed for in the winter, and continually felt my own interest in this deeply felt man of mystery. He held no comparison to anyone I knew, and this intrigued me deeply. He smiled gently as we walked along, avoiding my eyes I think because he could feel me observing him. I tried to look at other things- at the birds and the few trees in the distance, but I could not for long. I ought to have felt more bashful about it, but walking beside and a little behind him, I could not help but admire the strength of his stride and the wide breadth of his shoulders.
While in the middle of admiring his manliness, he stopped suddenly and turned to face me. With anyone else I would have panicked or thought him upset with me- but there was nothing harsh in his manner that would make me believe he was annoyed with the way I silently regarded him.
I felt a shyness rush in quickly as his gaze looked down into me, but I resolved to not look away. I felt his curiosity poring over me and wondered what he might be thinking. I watched a warm smile fill his expression and felt for a moment that my senses were swimming- all the world seemed to hush around us and I grew just as quiet in my spirit as his tender expression told me that he felt contented with me, and not afraid.
"You," he murmured, his voice almost a whisper, my attention standing up erect as his lips closed again. Oh say! I thought to myself, do say... In the quietness of the moment, I could hear only my steady heartbeat and wondered whether he could hear it too. He sighed, his eyes full of light and maybe even joy or wonder. I felt as though my heart could not feel fuller as these things danced on his features. He tipped his head back as he laughed, as though he were laughing with the sky, and I could not help but laugh too.
When he looked back down at me, I thought I could see a moisture in his gentle eyes, a joyous kind of moisture that I marveled at with a deep kind of pleasure I had not known before. I felt that these tears whispered gently to me as though they were uttered from his voice, and for a moment I closed my eyes as if to hear it better- feeling more than I had ever dared to feel before- the beauty of these moments overcame me and I thought that perhaps I dreamed, that this incredible man in my presence was only imaginary and made up. I felt this so much to be the truth that if I opened my eyes I thought maybe he would not be there- that I would find myself standing alone in the prairie, a girl dreaming but a sweet dream. I dared not venture there for the present, and felt the sweet air rush in and out of my lungs, smelling the happy smell of the summer day and catching in the breeze the scent of the man who stood yet before me- unmistakeably I knew him to still be near. I closed my eyes tighter yet a moment and then looked up into those sweet eyes, which I found were staring intently at me, with rapture and unabashed fascination.
I dared not speak. I could not. All the world seemed to silence itself as my own senses tuned themselves in completely to this intensely felt moment. In every feature of his face, and every tenderness he emitted towards me, I felt become my home. I realized I would know forever the flecks in his eyes and the curl of his smile, as though they belonged to my own body. I felt a warmth become me and I realized very quickly that his tears had become mine as well. He beamed as he saw them come, and reached out to touch me. I thought I might waver at his tender caress- I thought I might fall down to my knees in joyful weakness as his gentle fingers touched my cheek.
What came over me then I can scarely explain. I felt a feeling in my soul that felt like flight- felt like I could not possibly be standing upon this ground as before. And in the warmth of that moment, in those tears we shared and this most incredible moment, I felt something awaken in me as though it had been long sleeping. We realized this awakening together, without words spoken to cheapen it. I watched him move to me, felt his arms bring me near him, and clung to him as he did to me- scarcely knowing how this had come to be. I closed my eyes tight and thought I would surely collapse if not for his strong embrace. I felt his lips close to my ear and my knees nearly faltered beneath me. The warmth of his sturdy frame sent such a sense of comfort and peace through me I cannot describe. I only could hide my face in his shoulder and marvel at how lovely it felt to feel his cheek pressed to mine. I will not let go, I thought, oh I can never let go... And with one word, he whispered all I would ever need to know.
"You..."
