reign in us

Things lately have been looking up! Yeah! I started doing one of those read-the-Bible-in-a-year things and I think that even though I've read the whole Bible before, just reading it is doing my soul a lot of good. I can't remember the last time I felt peace, even just a little peace, and now I'm finding it.

However, I've tried to read the Bible several times throughout my recent struggles, and it hasn't really done me much good. So I think the reason it's doing me good now is because I had a "rock bottom" moment last Sunday. I tried to write about it- about how it felt and what happened, but I had a difficult time doing that then. Now, however, I'm feeling up for the challenge.

I've never felt anything like that before- I was in the shower before Bible study, and I felt this....sort of pain, both physically and non-physically, come over me, and I started to just cry- I have never wept like that- I couldn't cry hard enough, it was the craziest thing... And as I wept, it was like my soul opened up and I saw what it really looked like- what was really down in there, and it was all just pain and hurt and turmoil and torture- this great culmination of every struggle I've faced and not overcome- I saw and felt and comprehended my flawed, bleeding, troubled, lost soul. And I felt my soul groan out without words, without my overly analytical mind in the way thinking always thinking- it was just ME- only me, crying out.

I don't know if any of you have had a similar experience...but even though it was a moment of unspeakable sorrow, it was also a harbinger of peace. To see the true condition of my soul and feel THAT for just a moment or two also felt so good to me. I believe that was the single most genuine moment of my life- my only moment of unhindered, uninterrupted reality.

Being allowed to see and feel and experience that essential part of me, however scarred and damaged, was a privilege to me and what, I believe, has enabled me to grasp at things I have never been able to grasp before. I've been learning about the soul, and about what it means to be a soul created by God, for God- a soul that has a home, not in my body, but with Jesus. I've been learning that God is not as concerned with my behavior as He is with the state of my soul, of my heart.

I'm learning that God is not who I thought He was. And I'm so glad that He is not the angry, unfair, power-tripping god I've been searching for and blaming these last three years. I am so glad that I did not find that god, but am in the process now of finding THE God. MY God.

"Oh Great and Mighty One, with one desire we come- that You would reign, that You would reign in us. We're offering up our lives; a living sacrifice- that You would reign, that You would reign in us." -Starfield

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?" -Matthew 16:24-26

a man named Sunrise

So I was watching Oprah today and she took some viewers with her to Australia- and man, what a beautiful place. There's this rock named Uluru- and it's beautiful. I, naturally, jumped on wikipedia and looked it up, and then somehow (I don't remember how) began to research photography. I'm inspired. :)

Also, last night I dreamt that I fell in love with a man named Sunrise. We were in some new city- one that I've never been to in real life- riding a bike down this road, with the orange and yellow brick buildings reaching upward with their shiny windows toward the sky. The road was a little wet and probably smelled like home. I met Sunrise because he was biking too, just ahead of me, and he had to repeat his name a number of times until I understood what he was actually saying. He was cute and kind of swarthy, with dark eyes and with a little scruff on his face and indie style clothing- scarf and beanie and whatnot. And then we became friends and as he was introduced into my life and to my current boyfriend (some jerk who didn't have a name), Sunrise pleaded for me to wake up and realize what I was doing with my life- what I was letting happen to me as opposed to what I have longed to do and be. He took me by the arms, told me he loved me, and I woke up.

Kind of crazy right? I thought I ought to write some sort of story or poem or song about it or something. I almost dreamt it like it was a story, you know? With a plot and a point and with an important choice to be made. But of course, I can't deny the overtones of my true, real life ringing through that dream. I've been trying to decide whether to move to Colorado Springs in April or not, and I've come to realize just how big of a risk I would be taking by making this move. But I'm afraid that if I don't go, if I stay here, I'll continue to just let life happen to me instead of choosing what life I want to live. Does that make sense? I feel like I'll only smolder here, while I could burn brightly in Colorado.

Anyway. Sunrise is a catch! Maybe I'll get to meet him one day. Haha, sometimes I say silly things.

a song for the new year

This song encompasses what I hope for in the year of 2011. That even though I am frightened and confused, I would learn to value each moment that I'm alive and learn what it means to change, move, grow, learn, become. This year I want to depend on my friends more and keep myself from expecting them to make me feel understood. I hope that this year I'll figure it out, that I'll not just mature but learn to let go of certain things in exchange for a renewed life. I've made a lot of mistakes and my compass has been spinning, but I think it'll all get better if I want it to, because in the end there really isn't another choice.

To those of you who I've hurt this past year, please forgive me. I'm sorry for my immature, fearful, hyper-sensitive, victimized attitudes. I've thought of so many excuses for my behavior and put the blame in everyone else's hands but mine. I've become unfortunately good at being alone, and now I'm feeling the burn of some of my friends come close again. Because of that burning, I know that I need to make some changes. Yesterday I didn't have much hope for change- on New Year's Eve I felt myself wanting to want to carry through and really mean what I resolved to do in 2011. But tonight, if there's one resolution I need to carry out this year it's this: I resolve to lay my weapons down.

I don't know about you, but I'm thoroughly glad that 2010 is over. I don't want to waste my time or yours by rehashing it all again. I think it would be for the best if I would do whatever I can to just leave things where they lie and focus on healing, moving, rekindling my friendships, mending what I can, and resurrecting what good there is left in me.


"Find the words that make it right again
Calling birds help you make it through the night
It's just enough to find a way to open up once again
And learn to take all the beauty that's inside

We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight

Scream out loud
Until you feel again
And hear the sound of how to heal an aching heart
And those that know you most
Can help you to live again
So keep them close
As you're making your new start

We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight

The day you finally turn to dust
And finally hear your name
Brings colors that will never fade away
Sometimes the best in all of us
Can still break down and still give up on love
But it's never gone

We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight"

- Ring The Bells by Satellite