lately

Since the last time I wrote anything on here, I kind of hit a speed bump. But I'm working through it. Still trying to figure myself out and figure God out. I don't know why I feel like "figuring it all out" is a prerequisite to be happy or being satisfied that, yes, I know exactly what I'm getting into. I wish it would work that way sometimes, but at the end of the day I'm glad it doesn't. I know I'll never figure it out.

I heard a line from a song today that was really cool- let me see if I can remember it... I think it was something like, "don't put your trust in walls, cause walls will only crush you when they fall." It's from a song called Be Here Now by Ray Lamontagne. So true. I struggle with that, with walls. I convince myself that I would be happiest if I could just block everybody else out- that yes, THEN I would be able to breathe and relax and just be me without feeling inherently wrong. What a crock, though eh? That's just a trap to keep me stuck in one place, to keep me from experiencing my life, from loving people, from falling in love, from having the things I'm afraid of but longing so very much to have. Interesting.

I've been kind of restless lately. It seems that whenever I start getting used to things, I feel like bailing. And yet I spend all that time trying to adjust and I complain every second of the way. Frankly, I make no sense. I think most of us don't. Still not sure about Colorado. CTI called me the other day and wants to know what my plans are. Who am I kidding, I have no plan!!!! I don't exactly feel like I'm waiting for direction or guidance...but more that what I should do would become suddenly very obvious and clear to me. That would be nice. Maybe the trip out to Colorado Springs in March will do me some good in that area. I hope so.

Anyway, Copeland is keeping me company today. It's raining like the dickens outside so I baked, and felt for the first time this fall that it is no longer summer. And I think it's very strange- that it's no longer summer. But now I'm realizing that summer was a long time ago, and there are people who still live there, who don't live here with me now. And I wonder if I understand what I did, if I realize that something could have happened. I left you behind, or we mutually left each other behind without officially saying so, and though I still don't agree with you, I hope you figure it out and I hope you're happier than I made you in July. No, I don't think I'll ever figure you out. I'm just sorry I made you so frustrated that you left and didn't want to come back. That being said, I can't say that I miss you. But there is pain in not speaking.

[is it any surprise that you feel so overrun when all this time you had no one to tell you how to love? and do you think it's unwise to go and break yourself on this one when all this time you didn't know love?]

I think I better stop now.

much thinking lately.

The last week has been good. I've been thinking about a lot of different things- trying to figure out what I want to do and why. I'm coming to better understand who God is. And by that I mean, I'm figuring out that all the words I've used to describe God and all the things people have to say about Him, are just that- words. Empty words. I don't think any of it has ever meant anything to me because they were never my own words- never my own beliefs, but theirs. And, I've come to know that other people's opinions are hazardous to me- not that what they say is hazardous, but that what I do with their words is. I'm easily persuaded most times, and am constantly being trapped into thinking that everyone else's thoughts and opinions are more valid than mine. I hide behind what they have to say. Don Miller is helping me to realize who God is and that all the methods and formulas in Christianity and the church never originated from Jesus. He doesn't operate under step by step programs, but solely on love. I'm glad to hear that, because step by step programs make me nervous, especially when insisted upon by the church. I've never been someone who is interested in theology. I think that's because it reminds me of politics. I don't believe that people are meant to fit into hypotheses or theories or formulas, and I've never been an advocate for the easy answers, and especially the easy advice-givers. I get really upset when Christian authors write books that are essentially them giving you the keys to getting rid of some behavior or attitude through a step by step, chapter by chapter process. "Just do this or don't do that and you'll be redeemed." No. That's not how it works.

I know that I've been looking at God through the glasses of resentment and guilt. I've believed that He is angry with me, disappointed in me, not interested in me because I have not been living up to "Christian standards" or talking to Him much at all. I'm realizing now that that mindset is a trap. He only wants good for me. Only. He wants me to get better. He wants me to be healed from my mistakes. He wants me to stop ducking Him. Not because it's the "right" thing to do, but because He loves me. Don Miller was saying that He came to save sinners. He came TO save sinners. He didn't come to FIX sinners or make all of us into some kind of robot Christian who recites all the right answers. He came to SAVE. If I need to be saved from something, it means that I can't save myself- I need someone else who is outside of my problems to reach into the midst of it all and pull me out. He came to save, because He loves us. He came to save SINNERS- not the righteous. He didn't come so that He could save the good ones from the rest of us who just can't seem to get it right. He's not concerned about how the world sees us- that has never mattered to Him. He doesn't care what church we're attending or if we're attending at all- He only cares about our hearts, about being in a relationship with Him. He came TO SAVE SINNERS from an eternity wherein we cannot be in relationship with Him. He came to save us from an eternity devoid of Himself. He doesn't operate on formulas, but on relationships- on love. When He was walking around earth, that was all He did- build relationships, forgive, heal, touch people. He didn't go around telling them they needed to complete a checklist of things in order to be His follower. Jesus doesn't use paperwork- He doesn't need it. All He wants is our sincerity in loving Him.

So yeah, heh, that's what I've been learning...

simple answers come in simple ways

I had a Don Miller moment last night.

On Friday night I talked to my friend Jimmy just briefly about how he was doing, and I was so surprised to hear him say he was lonely. For some reason that's been chasing me around a bit, and I was driving to my friend Lindsey's house last night, thinking about that and listening to Anberlin in my car- feeling strangely unnameable nostalgic emotions. I got out of the car and the sky was so clear- the stars speaking quietly down to me, like they did when Don Miller was nestled into the grass at a ranch in the northwest United States in his book Through Painted Deserts. And I cried. Right there in Lindsey's driveway, and then on her front step, and then at her doorbell- which I hesitated in ringing so I could try and compose myself. I didn't want to though. Those kind of things don't seem to catch up with me as much anymore, so when they do I kind of just want to ride them out.

It's so interesting how sometimes we can go years without clarity- go years living in doubt and uncertainty, and then for thirty seconds of complete silence there can be such complete understanding- the kind you feel in your bones- the kind that makes you cry at Cassiopeia and stand in the dark alone. It seems that I go months or years in total disarray and dismantlement and then- just one moment of sparkling GOOD, and the pieces of the road melt back together again, and the path becomes visible again.

We think we need such complete answers to our questions, don't we? When sometimes all we need is just a moment to catch our breath. Just a moment to stop asking, stop running, stop dodging, and just see the world for what it is- to see ourselves for who we are- to see God for who He really is, not who we have erroneously assumed He was. Sometimes it's so much more simple than we make it.

general excitement

So, I won't lie- I can't get myself to understand that it's October. I have a feeling this month is going to go by fast and without me realizing it. Before I know it, it'll be my birthday and then Thanksgiving and then Christmas. And then I can start my new year-long project! I'm actually planning a few projects for 2011- one that is a daily thing, one that is a weekly thing...and in the end I'll have some artwork :D

Um, so...I'm seriously thinking about moving to Colorado in May. I just had to tell someone.

I had a good moment last night with God. One of those clarity moments, you know? He told me that it doesn't matter what I decide to do in the distant future- He doesn't care about that- He just cares about where my heart is at. He just cares about being with me. He doesn't care what I do or don't do for Him- He isn't impressed by that- He just wants me. I think I actually told God "kudos"...let me find it. It says, "And if You meant to do all this- if You meant to take me away from my friends and everything...I daresay kudos." That's a big step for me to say that, I'll have you know. But I did mean it. He knows what He's doing. There's a freedom in saying that to God- in recognizing that He's doing right in my life, even though it really really doesn't feel that way most times.

So there's that for now. I want to read more of Searching For God Knows What before bed. Gotta love that Don Miller.

Night cyberworld.