lately

Since the last time I wrote anything on here, I kind of hit a speed bump. But I'm working through it. Still trying to figure myself out and figure God out. I don't know why I feel like "figuring it all out" is a prerequisite to be happy or being satisfied that, yes, I know exactly what I'm getting into. I wish it would work that way sometimes, but at the end of the day I'm glad it doesn't. I know I'll never figure it out.

I heard a line from a song today that was really cool- let me see if I can remember it... I think it was something like, "don't put your trust in walls, cause walls will only crush you when they fall." It's from a song called Be Here Now by Ray Lamontagne. So true. I struggle with that, with walls. I convince myself that I would be happiest if I could just block everybody else out- that yes, THEN I would be able to breathe and relax and just be me without feeling inherently wrong. What a crock, though eh? That's just a trap to keep me stuck in one place, to keep me from experiencing my life, from loving people, from falling in love, from having the things I'm afraid of but longing so very much to have. Interesting.

I've been kind of restless lately. It seems that whenever I start getting used to things, I feel like bailing. And yet I spend all that time trying to adjust and I complain every second of the way. Frankly, I make no sense. I think most of us don't. Still not sure about Colorado. CTI called me the other day and wants to know what my plans are. Who am I kidding, I have no plan!!!! I don't exactly feel like I'm waiting for direction or guidance...but more that what I should do would become suddenly very obvious and clear to me. That would be nice. Maybe the trip out to Colorado Springs in March will do me some good in that area. I hope so.

Anyway, Copeland is keeping me company today. It's raining like the dickens outside so I baked, and felt for the first time this fall that it is no longer summer. And I think it's very strange- that it's no longer summer. But now I'm realizing that summer was a long time ago, and there are people who still live there, who don't live here with me now. And I wonder if I understand what I did, if I realize that something could have happened. I left you behind, or we mutually left each other behind without officially saying so, and though I still don't agree with you, I hope you figure it out and I hope you're happier than I made you in July. No, I don't think I'll ever figure you out. I'm just sorry I made you so frustrated that you left and didn't want to come back. That being said, I can't say that I miss you. But there is pain in not speaking.

[is it any surprise that you feel so overrun when all this time you had no one to tell you how to love? and do you think it's unwise to go and break yourself on this one when all this time you didn't know love?]

I think I better stop now.