vacation.

I got back today from spending two days in Duluth with my mom. She and I both agreed that while we planned to go we had our doubts that we would actually go. But we did, and the weather was beautiful and we saw a lot of the town I hadn't seen before. Because we went so late in the season, the trees were bare and the scenery wasn't as interesting, but there were a ton less tourists out and about, which made traveling much easier. And we got the room closest to the pool, which was nice too.

However, I can't say that I had a lot of fun. I didn't have an amazing time. I spent most of the trip being irritated by my mother's tendencies to point out every sign she sees, as if I'm five years old and don't have eyes to see for myself. I was constantly fighting her in my mind, fighting off her over-explanations for every tiny detail of everything that I already know about or didn't need to know in the first place. It was hard to be excited about anything when I felt like she was pointing out anything at all just so that she could get a positive reaction out of me. The whole time we were in Duluth, I felt like there was something keeping me from really enjoying myself there- from feeling like I was on vacation- from feeling like I wasn't at home. Sitting back in Sartell, I don't feel like I ever left. That's a very obnoxious feeling to feel when I paid a lot of money to go there.

It's definitely not lost on me that I have issues with my parents. I don't like sharing anything with them. I don't want them to be involved in anything because when I do I feel like it's no longer mine. They have this ability to control me and hold me back without even realizing it. They make me feel small without meaning to. I want to get away from them. They make me want to run. I feel like the only way I can have a life that feels like MINE is if I left; if they had no part in my life or at least very little.

Going on vacation with my mom made me realize that I feel very held back by my parents, that I have little happiness when I have to answer to them about what I do.

But, I guess it's okay for parents to just be parents. I don't have to get along with them. I don't have to agree with them about everything. The only struggle is convincing them that sometimes I know what I'm doing, and that sometimes they don't know everything. What an unfortunate struggle.

Feeling very discouraged tonight about all this. Aren't vacations supposed to recharge your batteries and restore your sense of sanity?