It's a strange thing to feel that while I am sitting in my sin, I am also sitting in forgiveness. In love. In mercy. I can't make myself understand this love I don't deserve. It's so hard for me to believe, to accept. But I want it... And everything else I've been striving for and longing after just...doesn't need to even be on my radar. I long after a love that can't fulfill me like I want it to. And I know that. Maybe that's why I'm so scared of it. More and more I've been feeling like I need to put down my arms, stop reaching and pining and holding my grudges and my disappointment...and just stop. Just sit quietly at my desk, put everything out of mind, and read. Get to know this crazy Person that has saved my wretched life from my wretched hands- until He becomes a person and not a set of beliefs or ideas.
I started the day weeping about this. Feeling terrible about myself and realizing and feeling and knowing that I can do better- and yet feeling this sense that I am loved. If there's anything that can produce true sorrow, true regret, true contriteness- it's love despite mistakes. I am only responsible to Him. I answer to only Him at the end of the day. He's the one I need to explain myself to. Humans are just humans- as flawed as I am. It doesn't matter what they think. My worth and self-esteem are not decided by them. Trying to please my coworkers is doing me no good.
Everything on the outside is falling short- everything is leaving me wanting more, and I'm tired of it. It's time I turn inward for those needs. I want to want to do better. Not for them. Not even for me... For Him. This man Jesus. I don't want to let Him down anymore.
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