so tired i can't sleep

Oh the introvert in me is crying for some time to do nothing by myself... It's been so busy lately, and will continue to be busy for at least the next month. It's been so good to see my friends though. I admit, I love seeing them. But I miss having time to just be with myself. It's a lot easier to figure out how I'm feeling about things when I have the time. I do need people. But I also need me time. Sigh.

I haven't been sleeping well lately, and most of my current whining is because of that. Also because I've been working a lot and have been making mistakes at work. On top of making messes of my relationships. AND sort of edging God out of the picture. I plead guilty. I tend to elbow God out of the way when I know I've messed up. Sometimes I think I do that because I don't want to (or think I can't) endure His disappointment or anger or frustration with me, but in reality- I'm the one feeling those emotions about myself. And God is just forgiving and patient and faithful. Oh, when will I learn?

I think there is probably a moderate amount of unhealth going on about me right now, but I have barely had the time or the energy (or ambition, quite honestly) to do anything about it. I'm wiped out and foreseeing that the week to come will result in me running myself into the ground, just in time to go back to work. It may take me months to refill my introvert-time tank. To recharge my batteries.

And everyone is making plans and moving on like you're supposed to. And it's been a year of me living at home, alone, working a job I don't like. It doesn't seem fair that some people have the desire and aptitude for a career and some don't. It doesn't seem fair that some people are better at being open and some are better at being closed. I don't like that my life has nothing I want in it. My life contains zero percent of my dreams or goals. But I don't know what else I should be doing, so I just keep doing it. I don't love my life. I don't hate it either, I guess. I've been feeling lately, when thinking about this topic, that I seem to be waiting for my life to begin- waiting for something to wake me up- waiting for something to make sense- waiting for something to feel right. And maybe that's just naive. My life began a long time ago. I think I just don't know how to live. Maybe I'm too scared to.