sometimes we change because we have to.
ignore the negativity. they believe in me. i ought to.
you can rise to this challenge.
adopt new attitudes. they are a choice.
sometimes saying the words really can make you believe them.
don't hold on to things and don't grab for them. but hang on for the ride.
maybe it won't really be that bad. if it is: one breath at a time. you're stronger than you think.
do you do well to be angry? just calm down. it's okay even if it isn't.
why am i always trying to ignore You?
what would happen if i lived the way He calls me to? what if i pursued Him with reckless abandon?
this is your chance to start all over again.
you're not alone. and it's going to be okay.
reset.
So much of why I view the world the way I do is because of the chorus of thoughts parading through my brain without a filter. I think that maybe this summer I need to do some rearranging in there- clean it out and do what I can to organize and identify what is worth keeping and believing in and what is harmful to my well-being and self-efficacy. Slowing down my thoughts and giving them names and categories is challenging and tiresome, but I'm realizing that labeling my thoughts is the first step towards having a mental filter. I have a seriously monitored filter over what I choose to verbalize- I am psychotically attentive to what I say or don't say to my friends, but then I let the negativity run rampant in my mind without even the foundation of a filter in place to protect me from myself. I think I need to close the gap between the words I say to people and the words I say to myself. I didn't ever stop to think that "treat others as you want to be treated" was complicated for me. I treat other people as well as I can but I neglect to acknowledge any of my own good qualities. I treat others as real people but I don't have that much regard for myself. I treat other people the way I want to be treated, but I don't treat myself that way. Maybe that's not cool eh?
The thing is, I have to get myself under control. Because, well, I think frankly I've gotten out of hand in the last few years. If I don't keep it together, I think the end result could be bad. Being on the non-plan plan, I don't think I'll have too much structure or continuity to keep me in line. Hopefully during this strange time I can mellow out a little and learn some valuable things that I've just not been dealing with over the last three years. One thing at a time. I'm struggling with the fact that nothing ever seems right- even when we think we're in the right, we aren't even if it's in some small way. Human imperfection is just plain annoying. I don't like that lessons can be unlearned. I don't like that things don't stay dead. And right now, I don't really like people. I don't like that either. I don't like how I feel about things and the way I see things.
Despite all of that, I have a hard time changing and updating those things. Often I feel stuck with those attitudes. But, I'm over the fact that the way I feel about things overshadows the truth I know. That's too bad- it's time to be the master over my emotions instead of the other way around. I don't want to make excuses (no matter how seemingly legitimate) for not changing and sinking deeper into the sludge of my me-ness. I need to listen to the spider-silk sentences I listed above. They may seem weak enough for me to punch through but they're the ropes that are going to pull me out of the sinking sand. I need to get over the fact that I'm a mess. Because after all, who isn't? I will no longer choose to not be comforted. I will no longer choose excuses why the offered amount of comfort isn't enough. I'm not going to let the negative me continue to conquer the positive me. I won't do what I've been doing anymore.
And then...suddenly everything feels possible. I didn't know that possibility could equate to hope. I'm telling you it does. :)
kb
hey katie! it was great to read your thoughts, i love the way you use words :) not that this is entirely congruent to what you're referring to; i was reminded of some quotes id written down in my abi book:
ReplyDeleteAt times we sacrifice God's transcendence (means we can't ruin/change His plan) in favor of his immanence (refers to his being present in creation). "We put all our eggs, so to speak, in the basket of God's nearness, his relatedness, and we lose everything related to his otherness and transcendence. This yields a God who is familiar, safe, accommodating, but also very small. This is the 'god' who is accessed through the self, who showers us with therapeutic benefits. But it loses the God of the Bible who in addition to being near, is also elevated over all of life and who summons us to see him, not just as our psychological aid, but as he is in himself, in his glorious beauty and power. To be in awe before him, worship him as something other than ourselves, and to hear in his Word something other than what we naturally sense within ourselves."
continued..."One way this happens is when we elevate the love of God to the central and defining attribute of God. We are tempted to focus on the love of God in virtual isolation from His holiness and justice. But in so doing we domesticate and sentimentalize the love of God; we refashion it to conform to our understanding. We allow Him to love us and forgive us, but forbid Him to judge us. Our doctrine has Him standing with us, but never over us. We stand amazed before the cross of Christ because in it we see God's love paying the price that His holiness demands. What keeps us in confusion and distortion in our culture is a wrong view of God. What often keeps us in a wrong view of God is the pain our flesh bears by who God really is. Breaking out of the comfort of our own understanding and finding meaning solely based on our self. Do not make any provision for the flesh - by minimizing the truth about God."
ReplyDeleteColossians 1:19-23 is a really good one...or are really good ones...lol :)
1 Corinthians 10:31 Whether you eat or drink, or WHATEVER you do, do all to the glory of God.
Isaiah 57:15 For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: "I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite.
Romans 3:23-26
Romans 5:8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
"The cross demonstrates God's righteousness while at the same time it is the highest expression of His love.
What i like about the excerpts i've shared with you is that when we remember God's bigness it puts into perspective our worries, humaness, striving, etc. When i'm struggling it doesn't always help to know that Jesus dealt with the same struggles and thus can empathize with me. But that God's perfect order and control over everything never fails--and THIS comforts me :)Knowing that God won't let it fall apart, even if my emotions fall apart every day and i feel like giving up. The things that truly matter are in His hands. =] And you better believe that you, Katie, are of great value to Him. i love you!
It's hard, but it's worth it. I've been trying to turn to Truth when i want to lie down and hide. Just simple stories that i read to rorie out of a children's story bible remind me of WHO God is-and that makes all the difference!!!! AMEN! What an awesome God we have, Katie; literally, it blows my mind
oh, i was reminded of all this by your statements of wanting to change your perceptions and attitudes. Replacing them with more positive, less self-deprecating ones. I know for a fact that wrong views of God, or indulging the ever-present views we choose to cling to about God, ourselves and the world are always going to have to be replaced by the Truth! about God. it's kind of weird to think that bad attitudes or things we base our decisions about life on are actually lies. I am such a liar! When i think about it that way i dont look like a victim anymore, but the sinner that i truly am. Instead of being victimized by poor-me attitudes and the seeming doom around me that apparently makes every attempt to destroy my 'happy little world' I can expose them as lies. Not right away, first i have to step out and choose another way and when God shows me His way then I can look back and see how wrong I truly was. EVERY DAY THOUGH, lol come on! I suppose heaven is the 'amusement park' im always waiting for...wow. In a way it sets us free though, to pull the rug out from under our attempts at self focused ness, sit ourselves down and say, 'now abi, you know none of this is true, and your Father in Heaven does not appreciate your lies - now cut it out!' That's all satan really has on us, is lies. When will we stop buying into the illusions. The illustrious, incredulous, indulgent illusions.
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