[if you lay your weapon down]

Is this really what I want? Is this really the road I want to go down? I don't have to. If I don't want to, I don't have to. I can choose to believe that this is the bottom- I can choose to raise my hands despite the blood on them, despite my guilty sentence. I can choose to ask for help, I can choose to give it up. Right now can be the moment if I want it to be. I can throw in the dirty towel now if I want to, if I know what's good for me- if I'm interested in doing what is good for me. I don't have to be a slave to sin, and I don't have to live in a feeling of choice-less mania. "i swear to God we're going to get it right, if you lay your weapon down" Change can be possible...I have to believe that, despite how negatively I see myself. I'm redeemed and forgiven...but I never ever live that way. Will I continue to choose the self-destructive me just because I feel like it's the only thing I feel like I have left?

You've gotten rid of everything else...You've taken everything else out of my hands...and I see now that the last thing to go...is me. You want me too.

You're going to give me new things. New attitudes, new outlooks, new perspectives, new ideas, new hobbies, new friends, new talents, new gifts, new strengths, new goals, new ambition...new everything.

And there's nothing I can do about it. I can't do anything about how You work, how You love, why You're the way You are. My job is to just be obedient and hang in there for the ride.

I know I'm bad at keeping up my end of the bargain. I'm a messy Christian. Everything I touch turns to mess without You around. I don't understand anything, but I have to be okay with that.

I don't have to need them to be what You are. I don't have to need them to do everything they ought to. I don't need what I resort to.

I feel like I've been carrying around this stifled sense of unhappiness and passive aggressiveness since getting home. It's never a good thing when I'm choosing to have a lack of words. I'm good at disappearing when it seems convenient. It's easy for me to dodge the spotlight and dart away from attention when I want to be invisible. When I want to pretend like there's nothing wrong. And then on some level I resent those closest to me for not noticing. I'm so good at making things not easy. Simplicity just isn't quite my style, I guess. Intimacy terrifies me in some ways, and yet I am desperate for it. I don't have to be afraid of what I need. It's okay to want things. It's okay to make the right choices, even if they're difficult. It's okay to breathe and keep going. It's okay to do what makes me happy. It's okay to be happy. It's okay to let go- sometimes- when it means I'm not cutting people out of my life because it's easier and I don't want to get hurt. I don't have to wait to become my worst before I can become my best. Knowing the limits of my depravity is not more important than knowing the limitlessness of my potential.

You've taken things from me, but You've given me good things- You've given me good things. And I know I always try to rationalize Your goodness and capacity to give. Deep down I find it hard to believe that I can't deserve to be forgiven, that I can't deserve good things. I always try so hard to figure You out but I have yet to do it.
All of these introductory words I've said aside, what I think is most important to say is:

I'm sorry. For someone who loathes herself, I am unusually good at putting my problems before You. Even though I hate that I have to keep starting over, I'm grateful that in times like this that is my only real option. After everything, I still am glad that I "bear that name".