just do it

It was so good to see my friends this weekend. They reminded me that I am capable of things. Of anything I'd like to try. I'm not motivated to run or work out, but they make me feel like I can do it. And I can- the only thing holding me back is me. They make me feel like I can walk into a new church and start a worship band- that I can make a place for me to belong there. They make me feel like there is hope to make this town my home- to extend my home beyond the walls of my house.

It's so much easier to just not do anything. To go to work and come home and go to work and come home day after day. I don't have to be a recluse. I don't have to be a hermit just because this place, this job, these people are all new to me. Life is for living, and today I am 25 years old- growing every day closer to old rather than closer to young. I have never by any means had the desire to run my life into the ground with activities and recklessness and busyness, but I haven't been able to figure out how to love the things I used to love when I lived in Sartell. Doing those things feel different when I do them here.

When I learned how to play guitar- Abi was right- I had a spark and a flame and a passion to learn it and play it and improve. Since then, it hasn't been the same kind of outlet. I rarely play anymore. And I ought to.

Writing has been difficult to the point of being frustrating and disheartening. That passion has changed as well and I don't need it like I used to. I need less of a place to escape to than I did then.

Church has been difficult too, and I miss Joy. Things haven't been right there either. I pray less. I haven't read the Word in months. There is less passion there as well. I miss it.

I know I'm still transitioning and trying to figure it all out, but I am so grateful that I have friends who remind me that I can do anything. I forgot that. It was so good to be among people who know me and even know me better than I do at times. What a blessed person I am.

Thank You, Lord. You have given me so much. I am truly blessed. I am rich. And all I have has nothing to do with what I have done or not done- nothing to do with what I deserve or don't deserve. I don't know why it's been harder to talk to You recently. Maybe I don't know how to talk to You here either..? So much of my relationship with You has revolved around desperately trying to avoid downfalls and destruction. It seems like once You give me something I am frantic to keep it for as long as I can. You make hearts soft. And I love You for that. Forgive me my transgressions as You always have and always do and always will. Help me to do things. Help me to learn how to become the woman You envision. That has not been my goal in recent times, but You can help me to grow. Just don't let me go.