better

Hello.

[And oh I want it to get better- I swear I'll work to make it better...so please don't leave quite yet]

It's difficult to describe the way I've been feeling today. There's something going on in there, you know? Mixing around, turning over and over, perforating the way I'm looking at things.

Oh, how ought I explain??

I think...there's a life in there struggling to get out. The life I've always sort of shrugged back, pushed down, been afraid of. I'm not as afraid now, and that's good. But I think too there's pain mixed in as well...pain wanting to escape its confines. Could I trust someone so much as to tell them my secrets? Could I dare let someone see the ugly in me that even I am afraid of?

I feel compelled to say some things to myself right now. Bear with me.

Dear Self,

You're going to be okay. Keep taking steps forward. Keep breathing. Keep striving to love people, despite how they can seem at times. Don't be afraid of living. You've gotten up before and you'll get up again. Have faith. Have faith- it will save you from yourself.

His,

Katie

How strange- this. I think I'm starting to come out of myself. The loneliness, the desire, is drawing me out. It's beautiful, you know.

But to You, I'd like to tell You that I know I can do better. I will do better. Help me to do better... Help me to be better. Please make it better now. Forgive me. Help me to forgive me too. We both know. Thank You for being my Friend. Thank You for being my Confidant. I can trust You. You're on my side, remarkably- by choice and not by default or by force. By love, not by law.

You want more. I know You want more.