I know I'm not that old, but it seems the older I get the more I realize how rigid time is. We cannot undo what we have done, and if we make mistakes in the future we cannot undo those either, no matter how deeply we wish we could. Time only goes in one direction, and that is such a mystery to me. I'm no longer a little girl who has her whole life ahead of her. Now I am a young woman trying to figure out what she wants her life to be about. And I know that maybe I shouldn't be thinking about death, but I have been lately- how we all only have a certain amount of time on earth and how I have been the one to waste years of my life, and how that was a choice I could have avoided had I taken myself less seriously. Life is not something we can do over, and just as there was a beginning, there will be an end to my life.
And yet...
I was at Bible study the other night, and I was thinking about how God didn't create us intending that we would sin. He originally intended, and still intends, for us to be with Him in Eden- in limitless communication with Him. He took a risk loving us- He took a risk giving us free will, and we did fall. But He still wants us, so He made a way for us to be with Him. He fixed what we did so that good can truly reign. And when this life is over, when everything is said and done, we will be with Him as He originally intended. This life is a consequence of the prideful choice we made. That's why Jesus says that this world is not our home. This current life is not all there is. He didn't intend for the earth to become what it is, but it became this hurting messy thing because of free will and original sin. This life isn't fulfilling or complete because we were originally meant for Eden.
I'm glad that this life isn't all there is. That there was and is more intended for me than this messy life. What a comforting thought that is to me. What a God I serve- Who is closer to me than a family member, and yet even more than that- He and I are one in spirit. He knows my soul more intimately than anyone possibly ever could. I'm so glad I no longer feel the need to hide from Him. I still am struggling with having a working, healthy relationship with Him, but I'm on my way, I think. I've known about Jesus for a long time, but now I feel as though I am getting to know Him, and getting to know myself- a person who is not as concerned about plans or what other people believe. It is a freeing thing to believe in and know Jesus Christ. It is a beautiful thing to see myself as He does.
It will get much harder, I think, but it seems that self-discipline has been working for me lately, and faithfully reading the Word is helping me too. I'm excited to see what He has in store for me, but I am content for now not to know. With Him I can be someone I don't have the strength to be on my own. With Him my life is better, and I think I'm starting to fall in love.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
beautiful
I have a lot of thoughts. Bear with me.
Life has thrown its worst at me in some respects, and I want to be clear that I don't believe the difficulties are over, but even after all of that- after all of that confusion and pain, tonight I feel like telling you that life is a beautiful thing. It's horribly complicated and messy, but...what a beautiful thing that we have endless second chances. How beautiful is it that life is renewable? The opportunity to live is such a beautiful thing. That we can start over- we can decide to be different today- everyday- is a marvelous beauty to discover.
Bad things will happen yet. Things are still not easy. But if we were happy every single day of our lives, we would not know that we were happy. What is happiness anyway? We contrive half of it, I think- this idea of happiness. We chase this thing we believe can be ours forever, but that isn't true. We chase an idea that has little basis in reality. Maybe happiness is overrated, and we don't want to believe that. But happiness is not the point of our lives.
I don't say that to sound pessimistic- I'm not being pessimistic. I'm saying that happiness is a small thing to base our life on. Some fleeting feeling. We're humans though- we're all about feeling things.
It was a horrible thing to self-destruct. It's equally as horrible to watch someone self-destruct- they won't let you help them, they won't listen to you. We do strange things when we feel like there is no way out. My heart goes out to you. You who can find no peace- you who chase the things you thought made you happier than you are now. I wish you rest, peace, and the ability to see how beautiful life is- even when it is ending for you soon. I hope you come to understand that your life has never been about you, and that it still isn't. I hope you will find the humility to change, even in your dying hours. I pray you will see the beauty in life- that there is beauty even in death...that you will choose to spend the rest of your time loving the people who love you. Don't be afraid.
As for me, life will continue to be a beautiful mystery, and for now I am content with that.
Life has thrown its worst at me in some respects, and I want to be clear that I don't believe the difficulties are over, but even after all of that- after all of that confusion and pain, tonight I feel like telling you that life is a beautiful thing. It's horribly complicated and messy, but...what a beautiful thing that we have endless second chances. How beautiful is it that life is renewable? The opportunity to live is such a beautiful thing. That we can start over- we can decide to be different today- everyday- is a marvelous beauty to discover.
Bad things will happen yet. Things are still not easy. But if we were happy every single day of our lives, we would not know that we were happy. What is happiness anyway? We contrive half of it, I think- this idea of happiness. We chase this thing we believe can be ours forever, but that isn't true. We chase an idea that has little basis in reality. Maybe happiness is overrated, and we don't want to believe that. But happiness is not the point of our lives.
I don't say that to sound pessimistic- I'm not being pessimistic. I'm saying that happiness is a small thing to base our life on. Some fleeting feeling. We're humans though- we're all about feeling things.
It was a horrible thing to self-destruct. It's equally as horrible to watch someone self-destruct- they won't let you help them, they won't listen to you. We do strange things when we feel like there is no way out. My heart goes out to you. You who can find no peace- you who chase the things you thought made you happier than you are now. I wish you rest, peace, and the ability to see how beautiful life is- even when it is ending for you soon. I hope you come to understand that your life has never been about you, and that it still isn't. I hope you will find the humility to change, even in your dying hours. I pray you will see the beauty in life- that there is beauty even in death...that you will choose to spend the rest of your time loving the people who love you. Don't be afraid.
As for me, life will continue to be a beautiful mystery, and for now I am content with that.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
i should be in bed. but i'm not.
I just cleaned my room. I love late night cleaning. That sounds dorky, but I do. A clean room generally makes me feel better.
It's been a rocky few days for me. Turns out this Jesus thing is kind of a difficult thing to do. Turns out it's a LOT easier to do Jesus by the book, or by the "rules" than it is to feel a desperate need for Jesus that nothing else, literally NOTHING else, can provide. Recognizing this constant need is revolutionizing me, and it hurts. It's a difficult thing for me to have relationships with people at all, and that includes God.
It's a horribly beautiful thing to need Jesus like this- I genuinely feel and see and understand and know this desperate need for someone to save me from the horrible things I am capable of, from the tremendous devastation that dwells in my soul at all times. It isn't enough to feel that need though. Now I don't exactly know what to do with it.
What a good thing though. To know the depth of my sin will never be deeper than Love.
I think the lesson I need to learn is that God's love is not up for discussion. I will do terrible things and think terrible thoughts, but He will love me no less because of them. He can only love. He is capable of forgiving and forgetting. I will choose myself again and again but He will always choose me. What great love He has for us, friends. I have so much to learn about Him.
It's been a rocky few days for me. Turns out this Jesus thing is kind of a difficult thing to do. Turns out it's a LOT easier to do Jesus by the book, or by the "rules" than it is to feel a desperate need for Jesus that nothing else, literally NOTHING else, can provide. Recognizing this constant need is revolutionizing me, and it hurts. It's a difficult thing for me to have relationships with people at all, and that includes God.
It's a horribly beautiful thing to need Jesus like this- I genuinely feel and see and understand and know this desperate need for someone to save me from the horrible things I am capable of, from the tremendous devastation that dwells in my soul at all times. It isn't enough to feel that need though. Now I don't exactly know what to do with it.
What a good thing though. To know the depth of my sin will never be deeper than Love.
I think the lesson I need to learn is that God's love is not up for discussion. I will do terrible things and think terrible thoughts, but He will love me no less because of them. He can only love. He is capable of forgiving and forgetting. I will choose myself again and again but He will always choose me. What great love He has for us, friends. I have so much to learn about Him.
Friday, February 11, 2011
betrayal in is my blood
I've been doing a lot of what people like to call "soul searching" lately. And honestly, I don't know that I like what I've been finding. Though I am capable of good, I am perpetually committing sin. Though I am redeemed, I am also sinner. I've been wrestling with this a lot lately. That while I'm forgiven and clean, I am yet a human being under the weight of original sin. And while I can strive to do and be better, to crack down on my own depravity, I am unable to do so for long. I am not strong enough to save me from myself. Try as I might, at the end of the day, I need Jesus- I need God to do for me what I cannot- I need for Him to be someone I cannot be.
I didn't live in Jesus' time. I wasn't alive when He walked around with the disciples healing people. That was long before I ever came into existence. I never got to meet Him like a few did then. He died for me before I existed. He loved me before I existed. He forgave me before I existed. Crazy stuff.
And I've been thinking just about life in general. How life can seem so cruel if you break it down. For some it goes something like this: you're born into a family who you have no control over, you're raised believing you can be anything you want to be, you grow up and realize you can't be anything you want to be, you find a job that is less than enjoyable, you marry someone who cannot complete you, raise a family with more difficulty than you expected, and eventually die. There hardly seems like a point to any of that. I can't understand how things got this way- how God ordained our lives to be the meaningless things they are.
I can't understand why God chose to continue with us after the fall. Knowing how capable our hands are to perpetuate evil and ill-intent in the world, He finds a way to get us back. He finds a way to conquer the consequence of our depravity. Despite His existence in my life, I succumb to temptation and choose myself over Him. Despite the fallen nature of my soul, He has claimed it as His own.
I marvel.
I didn't live in Jesus' time. I wasn't alive when He walked around with the disciples healing people. That was long before I ever came into existence. I never got to meet Him like a few did then. He died for me before I existed. He loved me before I existed. He forgave me before I existed. Crazy stuff.
And I've been thinking just about life in general. How life can seem so cruel if you break it down. For some it goes something like this: you're born into a family who you have no control over, you're raised believing you can be anything you want to be, you grow up and realize you can't be anything you want to be, you find a job that is less than enjoyable, you marry someone who cannot complete you, raise a family with more difficulty than you expected, and eventually die. There hardly seems like a point to any of that. I can't understand how things got this way- how God ordained our lives to be the meaningless things they are.
I can't understand why God chose to continue with us after the fall. Knowing how capable our hands are to perpetuate evil and ill-intent in the world, He finds a way to get us back. He finds a way to conquer the consequence of our depravity. Despite His existence in my life, I succumb to temptation and choose myself over Him. Despite the fallen nature of my soul, He has claimed it as His own.
I marvel.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
reign in us
Things lately have been looking up! Yeah! I started doing one of those read-the-Bible-in-a-year things and I think that even though I've read the whole Bible before, just reading it is doing my soul a lot of good. I can't remember the last time I felt peace, even just a little peace, and now I'm finding it.
However, I've tried to read the Bible several times throughout my recent struggles, and it hasn't really done me much good. So I think the reason it's doing me good now is because I had a "rock bottom" moment last Sunday. I tried to write about it- about how it felt and what happened, but I had a difficult time doing that then. Now, however, I'm feeling up for the challenge.
I've never felt anything like that before- I was in the shower before Bible study, and I felt this....sort of pain, both physically and non-physically, come over me, and I started to just cry- I have never wept like that- I couldn't cry hard enough, it was the craziest thing... And as I wept, it was like my soul opened up and I saw what it really looked like- what was really down in there, and it was all just pain and hurt and turmoil and torture- this great culmination of every struggle I've faced and not overcome- I saw and felt and comprehended my flawed, bleeding, troubled, lost soul. And I felt my soul groan out without words, without my overly analytical mind in the way thinking always thinking- it was just ME- only me, crying out.
I don't know if any of you have had a similar experience...but even though it was a moment of unspeakable sorrow, it was also a harbinger of peace. To see the true condition of my soul and feel THAT for just a moment or two also felt so good to me. I believe that was the single most genuine moment of my life- my only moment of unhindered, uninterrupted reality.
Being allowed to see and feel and experience that essential part of me, however scarred and damaged, was a privilege to me and what, I believe, has enabled me to grasp at things I have never been able to grasp before. I've been learning about the soul, and about what it means to be a soul created by God, for God- a soul that has a home, not in my body, but with Jesus. I've been learning that God is not as concerned with my behavior as He is with the state of my soul, of my heart.
I'm learning that God is not who I thought He was. And I'm so glad that He is not the angry, unfair, power-tripping god I've been searching for and blaming these last three years. I am so glad that I did not find that god, but am in the process now of finding THE God. MY God.
"Oh Great and Mighty One, with one desire we come- that You would reign, that You would reign in us. We're offering up our lives; a living sacrifice- that You would reign, that You would reign in us." -Starfield
"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?" -Matthew 16:24-26
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
a man named Sunrise
So I was watching Oprah today and she took some viewers with her to Australia- and man, what a beautiful place. There's this rock named Uluru- and it's beautiful. I, naturally, jumped on wikipedia and looked it up, and then somehow (I don't remember how) began to research photography. I'm inspired. :)
Also, last night I dreamt that I fell in love with a man named Sunrise. We were in some new city- one that I've never been to in real life- riding a bike down this road, with the orange and yellow brick buildings reaching upward with their shiny windows toward the sky. The road was a little wet and probably smelled like home. I met Sunrise because he was biking too, just ahead of me, and he had to repeat his name a number of times until I understood what he was actually saying. He was cute and kind of swarthy, with dark eyes and with a little scruff on his face and indie style clothing- scarf and beanie and whatnot. And then we became friends and as he was introduced into my life and to my current boyfriend (some jerk who didn't have a name), Sunrise pleaded for me to wake up and realize what I was doing with my life- what I was letting happen to me as opposed to what I have longed to do and be. He took me by the arms, told me he loved me, and I woke up.
Kind of crazy right? I thought I ought to write some sort of story or poem or song about it or something. I almost dreamt it like it was a story, you know? With a plot and a point and with an important choice to be made. But of course, I can't deny the overtones of my true, real life ringing through that dream. I've been trying to decide whether to move to Colorado Springs in April or not, and I've come to realize just how big of a risk I would be taking by making this move. But I'm afraid that if I don't go, if I stay here, I'll continue to just let life happen to me instead of choosing what life I want to live. Does that make sense? I feel like I'll only smolder here, while I could burn brightly in Colorado.
Anyway. Sunrise is a catch! Maybe I'll get to meet him one day. Haha, sometimes I say silly things.
Also, last night I dreamt that I fell in love with a man named Sunrise. We were in some new city- one that I've never been to in real life- riding a bike down this road, with the orange and yellow brick buildings reaching upward with their shiny windows toward the sky. The road was a little wet and probably smelled like home. I met Sunrise because he was biking too, just ahead of me, and he had to repeat his name a number of times until I understood what he was actually saying. He was cute and kind of swarthy, with dark eyes and with a little scruff on his face and indie style clothing- scarf and beanie and whatnot. And then we became friends and as he was introduced into my life and to my current boyfriend (some jerk who didn't have a name), Sunrise pleaded for me to wake up and realize what I was doing with my life- what I was letting happen to me as opposed to what I have longed to do and be. He took me by the arms, told me he loved me, and I woke up.
Kind of crazy right? I thought I ought to write some sort of story or poem or song about it or something. I almost dreamt it like it was a story, you know? With a plot and a point and with an important choice to be made. But of course, I can't deny the overtones of my true, real life ringing through that dream. I've been trying to decide whether to move to Colorado Springs in April or not, and I've come to realize just how big of a risk I would be taking by making this move. But I'm afraid that if I don't go, if I stay here, I'll continue to just let life happen to me instead of choosing what life I want to live. Does that make sense? I feel like I'll only smolder here, while I could burn brightly in Colorado.
Anyway. Sunrise is a catch! Maybe I'll get to meet him one day. Haha, sometimes I say silly things.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
a song for the new year
This song encompasses what I hope for in the year of 2011. That even though I am frightened and confused, I would learn to value each moment that I'm alive and learn what it means to change, move, grow, learn, become. This year I want to depend on my friends more and keep myself from expecting them to make me feel understood. I hope that this year I'll figure it out, that I'll not just mature but learn to let go of certain things in exchange for a renewed life. I've made a lot of mistakes and my compass has been spinning, but I think it'll all get better if I want it to, because in the end there really isn't another choice.
To those of you who I've hurt this past year, please forgive me. I'm sorry for my immature, fearful, hyper-sensitive, victimized attitudes. I've thought of so many excuses for my behavior and put the blame in everyone else's hands but mine. I've become unfortunately good at being alone, and now I'm feeling the burn of some of my friends come close again. Because of that burning, I know that I need to make some changes. Yesterday I didn't have much hope for change- on New Year's Eve I felt myself wanting to want to carry through and really mean what I resolved to do in 2011. But tonight, if there's one resolution I need to carry out this year it's this: I resolve to lay my weapons down.
I don't know about you, but I'm thoroughly glad that 2010 is over. I don't want to waste my time or yours by rehashing it all again. I think it would be for the best if I would do whatever I can to just leave things where they lie and focus on healing, moving, rekindling my friendships, mending what I can, and resurrecting what good there is left in me.
"Find the words that make it right again
Calling birds help you make it through the night
It's just enough to find a way to open up once again
And learn to take all the beauty that's inside
We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight
Scream out loud
Until you feel again
And hear the sound of how to heal an aching heart
And those that know you most
Can help you to live again
So keep them close
As you're making your new start
We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight
The day you finally turn to dust
And finally hear your name
Brings colors that will never fade away
Sometimes the best in all of us
Can still break down and still give up on love
But it's never gone
We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight"
- Ring The Bells by Satellite
To those of you who I've hurt this past year, please forgive me. I'm sorry for my immature, fearful, hyper-sensitive, victimized attitudes. I've thought of so many excuses for my behavior and put the blame in everyone else's hands but mine. I've become unfortunately good at being alone, and now I'm feeling the burn of some of my friends come close again. Because of that burning, I know that I need to make some changes. Yesterday I didn't have much hope for change- on New Year's Eve I felt myself wanting to want to carry through and really mean what I resolved to do in 2011. But tonight, if there's one resolution I need to carry out this year it's this: I resolve to lay my weapons down.
I don't know about you, but I'm thoroughly glad that 2010 is over. I don't want to waste my time or yours by rehashing it all again. I think it would be for the best if I would do whatever I can to just leave things where they lie and focus on healing, moving, rekindling my friendships, mending what I can, and resurrecting what good there is left in me.
"Find the words that make it right again
Calling birds help you make it through the night
It's just enough to find a way to open up once again
And learn to take all the beauty that's inside
We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight
Scream out loud
Until you feel again
And hear the sound of how to heal an aching heart
And those that know you most
Can help you to live again
So keep them close
As you're making your new start
We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight
The day you finally turn to dust
And finally hear your name
Brings colors that will never fade away
Sometimes the best in all of us
Can still break down and still give up on love
But it's never gone
We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight"
- Ring The Bells by Satellite
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