some changes need to be made.

I want to be in bed by 11, and it is 10:57, so I'll speed type my way through what I've been thinking about this week.

I've been reading Father Fiction by Don Miller, and though he doesn't expound on most of the ideas he brings up, it gets me thinking about my life. I've recently confessed to myself that I am immature. I don't like that word. But, it's the truth. I used to blame my behavior on my fear and lack of self-confidence- which is true too, but I think that even those areas would improve if I stopped being immature about the things I am immature about.

Also, I've discovered that I am exceedingly concerned about my own well-being. I don't think that means I'm selfish, but instead that I am always analyzing the role I play in any given situation or circumstance. I think that probably is good at a simple, fundamental level, but not good when I take it too far- so much so that I often am not conscious of the "big picture"- the picture wherein I have a very small and finite role that I should learn to take only as seriously as necessary (it's 11:02. better hurry this along.).

And, the stress and importance I place on "what could be" is overkill. I tend to idealize everything and long after the wrong things, or- long after the right things way too much...and then I freak myself out and give in to my fear of not being good enough to have what I long for. I succumb much too easily to fear- so much so that it pervades every square inch of my life, deeming it nearly impossible for me to feel successful... I am afraid to make the wrong decision, so I don't make any decisions. I do nothing, and so deceive myself into thinking I'm just being overly cautious when I'm really guaranteeing failure at EVERYTHING because I am too afraid to work hard (man- 11:09 i can be so long winded!).

All this to say, I ought to grow up now. I ought to practice self-control like my life depends on it, because in a way it does, and I ought to refuse my "need" to feed my sense of fear about everything. It's time I put my finger down and stop pointing it at the possible reasons for my circumstances and flaws. There's nothing left to do now but accept it, and move on.

Because that would be the mature thing to do.

I don't need to be afraid of what I make my obstacles appear to be. My fears are not bigger than me, and they are not bigger than my God. Despite everything that has happened, I need to remember that.

(it's 11:15- i always have so much more to say than i think i do!)

goodnight.

today.

I am now 22 years old.

I remember where I was a year ago. Curled up on the couch, secretly wishing I could escape my own birthday party, escape the people, escape my life, escape time and circumstance. And a year later I can't say whether I'm much happier now.

I'm beginning to wonder if life isn't about happiness. I think I would be okay with that, but the problem is I don't know what life is about instead. It seems we're all chasing this idea of what it means to be happy, this idea of what it means to feel like everything is in its place, like everything is right, and we're in love with it all.

But honestly, things are never right. There are fleeting moments of pure beauty and joy, but I can't claim them as mine any more than I can create them. I can't keep them in a jar to save for later- they pass through my fingers as soon as they arrive. And the things that seem to stick to my soul like molasses are unfortunately the things I wish life did not consist of: confusion, hurt, misunderstanding, anger, jealousy, chaos, hate, fear, inadequacy, mistakes.

I find myself at this time in my life shying away from it all, sitting in my lost-ness, looking at my still feet, singing beneath my breath to people passing by, looking into their eyes only as long as I can bear to. I am scared to love. I find myself looking at my hands and asking them why they've done the terribly destructive things they've done. I sit quiet at His feet, too scared to ask Him or anyone else whether it's too late to still be innocent.

Is it too late to empty my jar of its bloody molasses and fill it instead with lightning and fireflies?

vacation.

I got back today from spending two days in Duluth with my mom. She and I both agreed that while we planned to go we had our doubts that we would actually go. But we did, and the weather was beautiful and we saw a lot of the town I hadn't seen before. Because we went so late in the season, the trees were bare and the scenery wasn't as interesting, but there were a ton less tourists out and about, which made traveling much easier. And we got the room closest to the pool, which was nice too.

However, I can't say that I had a lot of fun. I didn't have an amazing time. I spent most of the trip being irritated by my mother's tendencies to point out every sign she sees, as if I'm five years old and don't have eyes to see for myself. I was constantly fighting her in my mind, fighting off her over-explanations for every tiny detail of everything that I already know about or didn't need to know in the first place. It was hard to be excited about anything when I felt like she was pointing out anything at all just so that she could get a positive reaction out of me. The whole time we were in Duluth, I felt like there was something keeping me from really enjoying myself there- from feeling like I was on vacation- from feeling like I wasn't at home. Sitting back in Sartell, I don't feel like I ever left. That's a very obnoxious feeling to feel when I paid a lot of money to go there.

It's definitely not lost on me that I have issues with my parents. I don't like sharing anything with them. I don't want them to be involved in anything because when I do I feel like it's no longer mine. They have this ability to control me and hold me back without even realizing it. They make me feel small without meaning to. I want to get away from them. They make me want to run. I feel like the only way I can have a life that feels like MINE is if I left; if they had no part in my life or at least very little.

Going on vacation with my mom made me realize that I feel very held back by my parents, that I have little happiness when I have to answer to them about what I do.

But, I guess it's okay for parents to just be parents. I don't have to get along with them. I don't have to agree with them about everything. The only struggle is convincing them that sometimes I know what I'm doing, and that sometimes they don't know everything. What an unfortunate struggle.

Feeling very discouraged tonight about all this. Aren't vacations supposed to recharge your batteries and restore your sense of sanity?

lately

Since the last time I wrote anything on here, I kind of hit a speed bump. But I'm working through it. Still trying to figure myself out and figure God out. I don't know why I feel like "figuring it all out" is a prerequisite to be happy or being satisfied that, yes, I know exactly what I'm getting into. I wish it would work that way sometimes, but at the end of the day I'm glad it doesn't. I know I'll never figure it out.

I heard a line from a song today that was really cool- let me see if I can remember it... I think it was something like, "don't put your trust in walls, cause walls will only crush you when they fall." It's from a song called Be Here Now by Ray Lamontagne. So true. I struggle with that, with walls. I convince myself that I would be happiest if I could just block everybody else out- that yes, THEN I would be able to breathe and relax and just be me without feeling inherently wrong. What a crock, though eh? That's just a trap to keep me stuck in one place, to keep me from experiencing my life, from loving people, from falling in love, from having the things I'm afraid of but longing so very much to have. Interesting.

I've been kind of restless lately. It seems that whenever I start getting used to things, I feel like bailing. And yet I spend all that time trying to adjust and I complain every second of the way. Frankly, I make no sense. I think most of us don't. Still not sure about Colorado. CTI called me the other day and wants to know what my plans are. Who am I kidding, I have no plan!!!! I don't exactly feel like I'm waiting for direction or guidance...but more that what I should do would become suddenly very obvious and clear to me. That would be nice. Maybe the trip out to Colorado Springs in March will do me some good in that area. I hope so.

Anyway, Copeland is keeping me company today. It's raining like the dickens outside so I baked, and felt for the first time this fall that it is no longer summer. And I think it's very strange- that it's no longer summer. But now I'm realizing that summer was a long time ago, and there are people who still live there, who don't live here with me now. And I wonder if I understand what I did, if I realize that something could have happened. I left you behind, or we mutually left each other behind without officially saying so, and though I still don't agree with you, I hope you figure it out and I hope you're happier than I made you in July. No, I don't think I'll ever figure you out. I'm just sorry I made you so frustrated that you left and didn't want to come back. That being said, I can't say that I miss you. But there is pain in not speaking.

[is it any surprise that you feel so overrun when all this time you had no one to tell you how to love? and do you think it's unwise to go and break yourself on this one when all this time you didn't know love?]

I think I better stop now.

much thinking lately.

The last week has been good. I've been thinking about a lot of different things- trying to figure out what I want to do and why. I'm coming to better understand who God is. And by that I mean, I'm figuring out that all the words I've used to describe God and all the things people have to say about Him, are just that- words. Empty words. I don't think any of it has ever meant anything to me because they were never my own words- never my own beliefs, but theirs. And, I've come to know that other people's opinions are hazardous to me- not that what they say is hazardous, but that what I do with their words is. I'm easily persuaded most times, and am constantly being trapped into thinking that everyone else's thoughts and opinions are more valid than mine. I hide behind what they have to say. Don Miller is helping me to realize who God is and that all the methods and formulas in Christianity and the church never originated from Jesus. He doesn't operate under step by step programs, but solely on love. I'm glad to hear that, because step by step programs make me nervous, especially when insisted upon by the church. I've never been someone who is interested in theology. I think that's because it reminds me of politics. I don't believe that people are meant to fit into hypotheses or theories or formulas, and I've never been an advocate for the easy answers, and especially the easy advice-givers. I get really upset when Christian authors write books that are essentially them giving you the keys to getting rid of some behavior or attitude through a step by step, chapter by chapter process. "Just do this or don't do that and you'll be redeemed." No. That's not how it works.

I know that I've been looking at God through the glasses of resentment and guilt. I've believed that He is angry with me, disappointed in me, not interested in me because I have not been living up to "Christian standards" or talking to Him much at all. I'm realizing now that that mindset is a trap. He only wants good for me. Only. He wants me to get better. He wants me to be healed from my mistakes. He wants me to stop ducking Him. Not because it's the "right" thing to do, but because He loves me. Don Miller was saying that He came to save sinners. He came TO save sinners. He didn't come to FIX sinners or make all of us into some kind of robot Christian who recites all the right answers. He came to SAVE. If I need to be saved from something, it means that I can't save myself- I need someone else who is outside of my problems to reach into the midst of it all and pull me out. He came to save, because He loves us. He came to save SINNERS- not the righteous. He didn't come so that He could save the good ones from the rest of us who just can't seem to get it right. He's not concerned about how the world sees us- that has never mattered to Him. He doesn't care what church we're attending or if we're attending at all- He only cares about our hearts, about being in a relationship with Him. He came TO SAVE SINNERS from an eternity wherein we cannot be in relationship with Him. He came to save us from an eternity devoid of Himself. He doesn't operate on formulas, but on relationships- on love. When He was walking around earth, that was all He did- build relationships, forgive, heal, touch people. He didn't go around telling them they needed to complete a checklist of things in order to be His follower. Jesus doesn't use paperwork- He doesn't need it. All He wants is our sincerity in loving Him.

So yeah, heh, that's what I've been learning...

simple answers come in simple ways

I had a Don Miller moment last night.

On Friday night I talked to my friend Jimmy just briefly about how he was doing, and I was so surprised to hear him say he was lonely. For some reason that's been chasing me around a bit, and I was driving to my friend Lindsey's house last night, thinking about that and listening to Anberlin in my car- feeling strangely unnameable nostalgic emotions. I got out of the car and the sky was so clear- the stars speaking quietly down to me, like they did when Don Miller was nestled into the grass at a ranch in the northwest United States in his book Through Painted Deserts. And I cried. Right there in Lindsey's driveway, and then on her front step, and then at her doorbell- which I hesitated in ringing so I could try and compose myself. I didn't want to though. Those kind of things don't seem to catch up with me as much anymore, so when they do I kind of just want to ride them out.

It's so interesting how sometimes we can go years without clarity- go years living in doubt and uncertainty, and then for thirty seconds of complete silence there can be such complete understanding- the kind you feel in your bones- the kind that makes you cry at Cassiopeia and stand in the dark alone. It seems that I go months or years in total disarray and dismantlement and then- just one moment of sparkling GOOD, and the pieces of the road melt back together again, and the path becomes visible again.

We think we need such complete answers to our questions, don't we? When sometimes all we need is just a moment to catch our breath. Just a moment to stop asking, stop running, stop dodging, and just see the world for what it is- to see ourselves for who we are- to see God for who He really is, not who we have erroneously assumed He was. Sometimes it's so much more simple than we make it.

general excitement

So, I won't lie- I can't get myself to understand that it's October. I have a feeling this month is going to go by fast and without me realizing it. Before I know it, it'll be my birthday and then Thanksgiving and then Christmas. And then I can start my new year-long project! I'm actually planning a few projects for 2011- one that is a daily thing, one that is a weekly thing...and in the end I'll have some artwork :D

Um, so...I'm seriously thinking about moving to Colorado in May. I just had to tell someone.

I had a good moment last night with God. One of those clarity moments, you know? He told me that it doesn't matter what I decide to do in the distant future- He doesn't care about that- He just cares about where my heart is at. He just cares about being with me. He doesn't care what I do or don't do for Him- He isn't impressed by that- He just wants me. I think I actually told God "kudos"...let me find it. It says, "And if You meant to do all this- if You meant to take me away from my friends and everything...I daresay kudos." That's a big step for me to say that, I'll have you know. But I did mean it. He knows what He's doing. There's a freedom in saying that to God- in recognizing that He's doing right in my life, even though it really really doesn't feel that way most times.

So there's that for now. I want to read more of Searching For God Knows What before bed. Gotta love that Don Miller.

Night cyberworld.