happiness

The last couple of days I've found myself wanting to blog but not doing it, and sitting at my desk wanting to write something but the page is still empty after two hours of thinking. I guess I'm really having trouble getting words around how I've been doing this week. The one thing I found myself thinking in church today though, was that I feel like my life is suffocating me more and more every day- like everything is closing in on me slowly but surely. I feel a lot of depression and restlessness and...dare I say evil? creeping into my mind lately. I feel as though my heart dial is slowly being turned away from the truth setting and being turned toward the self-destruction setting. And as this happens, everything else becomes less and less satisfactory, enjoyable, fun. The way I view the future is becoming more and more bleak and disappointing, and I am becoming more discouraged by the things I used to have hope about. Everyday I feel a little sicker in my soul. And I think what I fear most is that I am always feeling this way- that I am always doing this poorly deep down, but I just get distracted by my friends and make myself believe that I am happy. That definitely seems like a trick. And in times like these I wonder how my friends make it look so easy to be happy.


Happiness is just outside my window
Would it crash blowing 80-miles an hour?
Or is happiness a little more like knocking
On your door, and you just let it in?

Happiness feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be, you can't make it come or go
But you are gone- not for good but for now
Gone for now feels a lot like gone for good

Happiness is a firecracker sitting on my headboard
Happiness was never mine to hold
Careful child, light the fuse and get away
‘Cause happiness throws a shower of sparks

Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that's enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

Happiness is like the old man told me
Look for it, but you'll never find it all
Let it go, live your life and leave it
Then one day, wake up and she'll be home
Home, home, home

-Happiness by The Fray