good will hunting

Has anybody seen Good Will Hunting? He's this genius of a guy- the most difficult equations and theories are so easy for him, and all of it is literally a gift- he's this insanely intelligent prodigy who could do the world so much good. But he's rude, coarse, stabbing, blunt, and just all around difficult. He grew up with a physically and emotionally abusive father and then was taken away by social services and was in and out of foster homes for the rest of his teenaged life. He doesn't want the responsibility- he never asked for the gift he has been given. He doesn't want to become an intellectual who changes the world with his mind. He just wants to stay in Boston and work construction and janitorial jobs. He rejects this unique thing that makes him who he is because he didn't ask for it, and because everyone expects him to want to do great things with it. He rejects it because his family treated him like he didn't matter. His father made him believe that he wasn't worth anything, despite his brilliance.

I haven't done a lot of open-minded or positive thinking today. Days like today, I feel a lot like Will Hunting. Unappreciative of what I have been given and who I am- the person I just naturally AM and how that was not my "choice." How I was born into a family and lifestyle that I did not choose. How I was born into a body that I did not choose. I, like Will, can do a lot of good in the world- the kind of good that no one else in the world can, because they are not me. But I am content to eat the grass I walk on instead of lifting my head and walking forward. I prefer to rebel because I did not "choose" me- because I see the gift of who I am as more of a curse. I can't step forward because I have been hurt and held back by the people in my life, and by me. I am something great and unique, but I do whatever I can to reject it.

It's been that kind of a day. One of those self-destructing days.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.