me again.

Hello. I feel like I've been blogging a lot lately, but I've just been doing so much thinking. And I remember my best thinking when I write it down. I'm currently improvising with a small desk. I put my stool directly to my right and have my laptop sitting on it, while my painting things are in front of me on my desk. Kind of like an L-shaped desk, but not. Anyway, I feel creative tonight. Hence the creative set-up.

It's been interesting lately. I guess I don't quite know what to do. But the truth is...I can't do it. And I can't change my mind now. And every time I think about it, the music just can't be loud enough. What I would give for life to not be such a messy thing. And I want you to know that I am sorry. Deeply sorry.

Honestly, I'm a little worried. I'm doing better, but there still seems to be this broken plastic latch that I keep falling over, and I am paralyzed. Like there's a part of me that is just...defective. Incapable of handling...that. And I for the life of me can't figure out why. All I can do is sit in my room and look around, watching the room change as my thoughts do. I can't stand to see myself in someone else's reflection. I can't stand to see myself looking back at me from the reflection in someone else's eyes. Do you hear me? I can't let myself be in the hands of a man.

I do try. I tried so hard. The hardest I have ever tried to do anything. Really. And in the end I was relieved to let it walk away from me. It really is sad, isn't it. Possibly for the best, but sad the way I seem to work. I can be glad that I am being more open with people, that I am much less afraid of them. And yet I am afraid that maybe I will be the one to hurt them- that maybe I have always been the one who has done the hurting, because I can't do it no matter how hard I try or how badly I may want it. And I can try to blame it all on everyone else, but the reality is that I am the wreck. I'm the one who can't cope...with love.

After all this thinking I am no closer to understanding.