How hard is it to unlearn something? I'm finding it really difficult to forget the things I think I know- the things I think are the truth. I've been a Christian since I was a freshman in high school, and I have been doing it all wrong! I have not really loved Him, believed Him, trusted Him. It's taken all this time for Him to get at my heart- all this time for me to back down, to get it, to discover my need for a Savior. And even after I have been convicted of all this- even after I feel the genuinely desperate need for Jesus, I still find myself giving into sin, giving into the lifeless non-relationship with God that I had before.
I know that reading the Old Testament or even the New Testament seems like those people really lived in a different time- in this ancient world that we can barely fathom, and so it seems like we can't relate to them- like we don't have much in common with those people. But we do! Their rebellion against a God who loves them looks an awful lot like my own rebellion. And though God was tempted to scrap His efforts with the Israelites and just start over, He didn't. Despite all of Israel's disobedience and unfaithfulness, God loved them.
"After all our hands have wrought, He forgives- He forgives!" -DCB
The truth is, I don't want some lame non-relationship with God. I think that's why my life has been such a battle for me- because I want all or nothing. I want to be in community with God or I want to be in community with sin. I get so upset and angry when things between God and I are sabotaged- when my efforts fall short- when I'm disappointed that loving God can be such a difficult struggle.
But I'm comforted that God wants the same things that I do. He is not content with a lukewarm spirit. I don't want to just follow the rules or just be a nice person- I've lived that way and the concept of life becomes incredibly dim. He doesn't want me to talk to Him because I feel like I should, or because I know I'm supposed to- but because I need Him, love Him, appreciate Him. He's the only person in existence who is completely concerned with my well-being- whose whole life is built around me. It isn't possible for a human being to love me as much as He does, in the way that He does.
Why isn't that enough? Why do I always search for other things to fulfill me? Why do I seek out love from everyone else but God? Why are there other things that I want more?
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