This morning I was actually crazy enough to get up and shower before work- that never happens, and I certainly surprised myself. And when I was at work, I only almost broke down into tears ONCE! It was a pretty good day. And now that I have a brand new tire on my cruiser, I can actually go places and do things. Yesss! I'm watching tennis tonight. I'm currently watching the Nadal/Istomin match. I can't decide who I'm rooting for. Nadal always wins and is obviously good, so naturally...I would root for the underdog. Also, said underdog reminds me of Michael who is in China for the next six months.
Anywho, pretty content to be home not doing much tonight. I just felt like blogging to let the cybernet world know the last couple days have been a little better. Work hasn't been quite as rough on me I think, and I'm realizing just how substantial an effect work has on me. To work somewhere for two months without feeling successful in it is brutal. I'd like to have a job I'm good at. I'd be much happier, I think.
Nevertheless, the time's coming when I have to be social again. And I'm scared. I want to make new friends and I want to have more to my life than just a sucky job, but honestly- making new friends is so much more scary than working a job I think I might get fired from eventually. At least after work I can just go home. But people? A much trickier situation. I don't know if I'm ready to jump back into friendship again. It's always easier to resist change.
My grandma is dying. I don't know why, but I've always thought that people who get really upset over a grandparent dying are kind of...wussy. And I think for me, it's less that SHE's dying and more that she's DYING. You know? It's mostly that she KNOWS she's dying...and can do nothing about it at this point. I feel bad because she still wants to fight- her spirit still wants to fight to stay alive but her body isn't strong enough; her body is too old now to endure chemo or surgery. I'm sad that her days are tangibly numbered. I mourn the fact that she has to know that each day that passes brings her one day closer to leaving for good.
The way my mom has described her lately though makes me more positive about death. My grandma has been giving away her things and making her plans, you know, and to me it almost seems like she's- well, just LEAVING. She's giving away her things to people she cares about because she can't take them with her- as if she's going somewhere else and isn't coming back. But where she's going has this sense of "vacation" sort of rest attached to it- with the additional hope of seeing her loved ones on the other side, who have been waiting to see her since they left us all years earlier. When death becomes more like vacation it isn't so scary I think.
I've always been terrified of death. Terrified. Mostly because I cannot understand it. God and death- the two most powerful forces on earth are the two things I cannot wrap my mind around. Death continues to confound me the closer it comes to my family, but I'm finding that with each relative that passes, cemeteries become more friendly to me, and heaven seems even more inviting and possible to know that there are precious people like my grandparents hanging out up there.
So anyway, there's that. I typically don't talk about when my grandparents stop doing well, so here's my attempt at speaking out in spite of myself and my dang introvertedness. Excuse me now, I must get back to my tennis game. ;)
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