be

I know myself through the music I listen to. I can hear myself better when I listen to music I love. My own pulse- beating, driving, breaking with the tempo and the strums and bass. What a comfort and relief it is to know that I still hear it. After everything, after all this- I still hear it. What a joy it is to know that through all the tumult, I have not lost myself.

Dawn has come, and the night is gone.

And all I can say is...breathe in and breathe out. Whisper and cartwheel and breathe in and breathe out. My darling child's heart- keep humming and twirling and longing. Don't stop listening for the pieces of yourself that you can only find out in the world- in the song and on the mountains and with another beating heart. You embody the beauty you see. You are the beauty you feel. Forgive what was. Embrace you. Only then will you truly embrace others in your life who are longing to know what it is to be embraced by you. It's okay to open now. It's okay to be. Just be.

Come out now, and be free.

barriers still

Lately I've been thinking about things. Is anyone else also afraid of the things you want? I'm worried that my heart will never be opened again like it was back then. I can face my fears all I want, but if I don't let it reach me, change me, what's the point? What's the point of doing what scares you if you aren't risking something? I am less afraid than I have ever been. And yet there are barriers still. It seems that most people are concerned about whether they are loved. That includes me, I guess. But what I am most concerned about now is whether I can love people. Will I ever love someone like that again? The stubborn part of me is shouting a resounding negative. Maybe I just need to heal from all the things I have undergone. The scars are somehow still wounding me. I will never feel ready to let go- it's a choice. A conscious choice. Pack it up, give it away, move onward. What kind of freedom is there in holding on anyway? So much easier said than done.

alive

I really think that this year is going to be the year in which everything changes. I hope it is, anyway. I have hope that it will be the year in which everything changes. I'm hoping to go forward and not look back. And I hope that if I ever do look back, the last few years will just seem like a bad dream I had a long time ago.

I still don't know what I'm doing, but I'm not as scared about it. It's all going to be okay.

And for as much of a non-risk taker as I am, I have done a lot of things that scare me recently. I have proved that I can do things even if I am scared. More and more consistently I am spiting fear and not using it as an excuse to not live my life.

Lots of work yet to be done though. How easily I forget to work hard on the things that matter the most to me. I have hope that it'll all come. Things are changing and I just am realizing that I will have to learn to accept it. I will have to learn to accept this.

At the end of the day, all the other things I'm focused on pale in comparison to how important He is.

It'll come.

again

don't let me sit here alone in an occupied room
with no one to put their shaking hands on my shoulders
with no tingling electricity or heat
with no powerfully powerless words
don't be quiet and silent now
i can't do it again
so don't be gone
just don't be gone

........

I feel out of sorts. I feel like I'm in this weird limbo-type place lately. No man's land. Not quite broken, not quite well. Just...here. I can't make things make sense. My thoughts are jumbled and confused, constantly losing my train of thought and trying real hard to remember it again.

I keep feeling like I'm searching the room feverishly with blind eyes, kind of kicking through the things on the floor and stumbling into objects and furniture. I feel like components of myself are scattered around the place and I cannot successfully collect them. And if I sit perfectly still, breathing and trying and yearning to rest, the things I'm grasping for start to speak up. If I sit still and breathe in and then out, I just ask myself why and why and why. And when I open my eyes, and walk on these sore bones, I wish it was over already.

What's wrong with me?

trying

I'm no good at transitions. I don't know how people do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only conscious person walking around in the world- the only person conscious of anything going on inside. I just can't seem to pull it off. I don't know how to let things end and just be whatever they were. I don't know how to move on to something else, even if I'm excited about it. This is going to be difficult.

I feel ready for change- for real change. I feel capable of it. But I am afraid. Big surprise. I am disappointed in myself. But maybe I shouldn't be. I'm trying my hardest. I've never felt like this. For as long as I can remember, I've been closed up. And this is the closest I've ever felt to feeling open. I don't want to keep doing the things I wish I didn't do. I want to go after the things I need. And I'm trying.

And as for the things I've been learning and the issues that have recently taken on a life of their own, I'm not as afraid. I'm not as afraid of myself as I have been. My attempt to quarantine my mistakes from anyone's knowledge, even my own, needs to loosen up. I shouldn't necessarily be ashamed of myself. One day, it will be right, and I just pray that the shame I have been feeling all my life will be faced and dealt with even more in the coming year. Antagonizing myself about it is doing me absolutely no good.

This year, I want to work on being open. I want to work on doing things differently- on doing the things I have never been willing to do. The only person stopping me is me. And I'm tired of that. I have been depressed and insecure and afraid, and I still fee l like I am those things, but I don't want to use those things as excuses anymore. I have hope that this can be the best year of my life if I let it be. If I do the work.

can't help hoping

I'm getting myself back again. It hurts but that's okay. Sometimes it hurts because it has to. I don't always see things clearly, in there. The truth isn't always clear, but it's still there. I know who I am. But am I willing to defend it? Am I willing to keep fighting toward something good? I may be doubtful whether people can really change, but I don't have any choice but to have hope that I can have the things I dream of. I can't help hoping. I have to hope. I feel like this is the year of my life in which I get my act together. I'm doing what I have not done before- what I haven't had the courage to do before, despite knowing my faults and insecurities to an even deeper level. I have to get out of this rut. More and more, I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to be... I wanted to get better. Then I wanted to be better. And now, I just want to be me. That's a job that literally only I can do.

[it's good to feel a sting now and again]