sometimes we change because we have to.
ignore the negativity. they believe in me. i ought to.
you can rise to this challenge.
adopt new attitudes. they are a choice.
sometimes saying the words really can make you believe them.
don't hold on to things and don't grab for them. but hang on for the ride.
maybe it won't really be that bad. if it is: one breath at a time. you're stronger than you think.
do you do well to be angry? just calm down. it's okay even if it isn't.
why am i always trying to ignore You?
what would happen if i lived the way He calls me to? what if i pursued Him with reckless abandon?
this is your chance to start all over again.
you're not alone. and it's going to be okay.
reset.
So much of why I view the world the way I do is because of the chorus of thoughts parading through my brain without a filter. I think that maybe this summer I need to do some rearranging in there- clean it out and do what I can to organize and identify what is worth keeping and believing in and what is harmful to my well-being and self-efficacy. Slowing down my thoughts and giving them names and categories is challenging and tiresome, but I'm realizing that labeling my thoughts is the first step towards having a mental filter. I have a seriously monitored filter over what I choose to verbalize- I am psychotically attentive to what I say or don't say to my friends, but then I let the negativity run rampant in my mind without even the foundation of a filter in place to protect me from myself. I think I need to close the gap between the words I say to people and the words I say to myself. I didn't ever stop to think that "treat others as you want to be treated" was complicated for me. I treat other people as well as I can but I neglect to acknowledge any of my own good qualities. I treat others as real people but I don't have that much regard for myself. I treat other people the way I want to be treated, but I don't treat myself that way. Maybe that's not cool eh?
The thing is, I have to get myself under control. Because, well, I think frankly I've gotten out of hand in the last few years. If I don't keep it together, I think the end result could be bad. Being on the non-plan plan, I don't think I'll have too much structure or continuity to keep me in line. Hopefully during this strange time I can mellow out a little and learn some valuable things that I've just not been dealing with over the last three years. One thing at a time. I'm struggling with the fact that nothing ever seems right- even when we think we're in the right, we aren't even if it's in some small way. Human imperfection is just plain annoying. I don't like that lessons can be unlearned. I don't like that things don't stay dead. And right now, I don't really like people. I don't like that either. I don't like how I feel about things and the way I see things.
Despite all of that, I have a hard time changing and updating those things. Often I feel stuck with those attitudes. But, I'm over the fact that the way I feel about things overshadows the truth I know. That's too bad- it's time to be the master over my emotions instead of the other way around. I don't want to make excuses (no matter how seemingly legitimate) for not changing and sinking deeper into the sludge of my me-ness. I need to listen to the spider-silk sentences I listed above. They may seem weak enough for me to punch through but they're the ropes that are going to pull me out of the sinking sand. I need to get over the fact that I'm a mess. Because after all, who isn't? I will no longer choose to not be comforted. I will no longer choose excuses why the offered amount of comfort isn't enough. I'm not going to let the negative me continue to conquer the positive me. I won't do what I've been doing anymore.
And then...suddenly everything feels possible. I didn't know that possibility could equate to hope. I'm telling you it does. :)
kb
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
goodbyes.
Well. It's been a heck of a Junior year. I can't believe it's summer now and I'm done with school- not just for the next three months but possibly, probably for good. It's been an emotional few days for me, and now I find myself mostly mentally fried. It's so strange to not even give a thought to what the day after tomorrow could hold- it seems I only have the capacity to imagine that tomorrow is possible, which is pretty cool I guess. It's just strange to realize my perspective seems so unhinged when compared to how my friends have so many plans and so much of their schedule for the year planned out already. Being a planner by nature, I'd think it would be more difficult for me to not have a plan...but so far it's been pretty nice. I've been keeping myself busy unpacking and rearranging the elements of my life that didn't have places before in my room. I think accepting that I'm on the "non-plan plan" has really helped me a lot- not to say that God won't do things that will surprise me during this laid-back season of my life. I fully except that in another six months or a year, I'll find myself facing a number of fears to accept and enjoy happiness, peace, and health. I'm looking forward to that, but for now, my eyes aren't looking past tomorrow.
As for the last few days, and the last few months of life with my friends in Morris, I will try my best to get out what emotions are still looming in there. I don't think it hit me that I was officially leaving Morris and my friends for good until we were walking down the sidewalk outside of J4 after checking out. It wasn't until then that I realized that the dynamics of my friendships with my roommates and IVCFers would never be the same as it had been this year. I have never burst into tears before, but I did right then. So many amazing memories took place in that teeny apartment, with many amazing friends who are such blessings to me. I think that J4 will always be home to me in some regards. I may have endured many of the most difficult personal crises of my life to date in that apartment, but when I think of J4 I only think of hysterical laughter, spinach, Fit to Strip shenans, Bstuds, jam sessions, crispy granola, bubbles, rubber gloves, asian fire drills, fetuses, windex, inappropriate conversations, gossip girl marathons, dance parties, and heart-to-hearts about our fears and our lives. I can't believe I only lived with those girls for a school year. I'm horribly sad to not be living with them next year. I can't help but feel like I'll be missing out on something that I know to be amazing. I'll come back and visit, but I know it won't be like it was- and that, I daresay, is a tragedy. I love you all so so so much, you are my J4evers- Ellie, Pons, and JoJo. Thank you for putting up with my half-hearted stick-in-the-mud-ness. Thank you for the late-night talks and for being my family away from home. Thank you for being the joy of my life this school year.
As for other friends who have left and are leaving, I have missed you much and will miss you much. I didn't realize that I am horrible at goodbyes and the concept of saying goodbye until Bekah left last semester before Christmas break. I held it together until she was out the door and then I cried, surprising even myself. I'm fortunate to have seen her and Jenessa since then however. They both were there for me during the worst time of my life, and I thank you both for that. You both have been a comfort to me just because you were there and listened. I will never forget you two, my lovely sisters.
Also to Aimee, I know it never worked out for us to room together, but I've so enjoyed mentoring together and just hearing about your life and struggles. You're a beautiful person and I wish you luck with your last semester and move to Colorado in the winter. You're a keeper and I love you. To the wonderful Lyndsey- I know we haven't talked much this year, but I can't tell you how much of a blessing it was to be your roommate two years ago. When I think of you I can't help but be proud of who you are and what you've accomplished. THANK YOU FOR THE GUITAR. You're one of my absolute favorite people, and I feel like God hand picked you to be my roommate and friend. You are truly amazing and I will never forget your kindness, generosity, down-to-earth-ness, and willingness to stand up for me. I love you so.
As for the men of IVCF, well, I have to give a shout out or two. To Dan, for his earnestness and consideration. Thank you for being a brother and for being so helpful in IVCF- your hard work doesn't go unnoticed and neither does your heart. To Bbotz for his hugs and his friendliness. Every time you pray, you refer to the exact things I am struggling with- thank you for being a vessel for Jesus through your kindness and gentleness. To Jaws for his wisdom and insight. I've learned so much from you in Bstud and you have so much to say- keep saying it. I see so much of Him shining through you- thank you for your contagious passion. To Nolan, for his fun-loving nature and sturdy belief in God. You've helped me through so much- I know I wouldn't have made it through last year without you. Thank you for teaching me how to play guitar, for making me feel listened to, and for sharing your musical tastes, dreams, and heart with me over the last two years. You are such a dear friend to me.
If any of you ever need anything, please contact me. I don't want to lose touch with the people who have stuck by me and taught me so many things. I pray that you all would experience God's love and faithfulness during the year to come, and that you would trust Him in every circumstance and fear. I'll be praying for your safety in travel and in spirit, and for your willingness to obey God and love Him with every possible area of your life and heart. Thank you all for being there when I needed to feel like I wasn't alone. Thank you for filling my life with your specific you-ness that is so amazing. You've all been a blessing to me, and I think of you all as my brothers and sisters.
I don't know why God planned for me to leave Morris a year early after making such amazing friends, or why He thought it better I didn't ever know what it would be like to partake in a UMM graduation ceremony, but I have faith that even though He has nothing exact planned for me currently, He still does have a plan. I think this season of my life that I'm entering into ought to be dedicated specifically to Him, for realz this time. No one and nothing can be allowed to come between the importance I place on my relationship with God. I'm realizing that even what I do isn't as important as knowing who He is and who I am in Him. Love is all that matters. If you all think of it, pray for me to find a decent job and to put God first on my priority list. Thanks again for being a comfort to a hurting soul. I love you all so much. Stay sweet.
As for the last few days, and the last few months of life with my friends in Morris, I will try my best to get out what emotions are still looming in there. I don't think it hit me that I was officially leaving Morris and my friends for good until we were walking down the sidewalk outside of J4 after checking out. It wasn't until then that I realized that the dynamics of my friendships with my roommates and IVCFers would never be the same as it had been this year. I have never burst into tears before, but I did right then. So many amazing memories took place in that teeny apartment, with many amazing friends who are such blessings to me. I think that J4 will always be home to me in some regards. I may have endured many of the most difficult personal crises of my life to date in that apartment, but when I think of J4 I only think of hysterical laughter, spinach, Fit to Strip shenans, Bstuds, jam sessions, crispy granola, bubbles, rubber gloves, asian fire drills, fetuses, windex, inappropriate conversations, gossip girl marathons, dance parties, and heart-to-hearts about our fears and our lives. I can't believe I only lived with those girls for a school year. I'm horribly sad to not be living with them next year. I can't help but feel like I'll be missing out on something that I know to be amazing. I'll come back and visit, but I know it won't be like it was- and that, I daresay, is a tragedy. I love you all so so so much, you are my J4evers- Ellie, Pons, and JoJo. Thank you for putting up with my half-hearted stick-in-the-mud-ness. Thank you for the late-night talks and for being my family away from home. Thank you for being the joy of my life this school year.
As for other friends who have left and are leaving, I have missed you much and will miss you much. I didn't realize that I am horrible at goodbyes and the concept of saying goodbye until Bekah left last semester before Christmas break. I held it together until she was out the door and then I cried, surprising even myself. I'm fortunate to have seen her and Jenessa since then however. They both were there for me during the worst time of my life, and I thank you both for that. You both have been a comfort to me just because you were there and listened. I will never forget you two, my lovely sisters.
Also to Aimee, I know it never worked out for us to room together, but I've so enjoyed mentoring together and just hearing about your life and struggles. You're a beautiful person and I wish you luck with your last semester and move to Colorado in the winter. You're a keeper and I love you. To the wonderful Lyndsey- I know we haven't talked much this year, but I can't tell you how much of a blessing it was to be your roommate two years ago. When I think of you I can't help but be proud of who you are and what you've accomplished. THANK YOU FOR THE GUITAR. You're one of my absolute favorite people, and I feel like God hand picked you to be my roommate and friend. You are truly amazing and I will never forget your kindness, generosity, down-to-earth-ness, and willingness to stand up for me. I love you so.
As for the men of IVCF, well, I have to give a shout out or two. To Dan, for his earnestness and consideration. Thank you for being a brother and for being so helpful in IVCF- your hard work doesn't go unnoticed and neither does your heart. To Bbotz for his hugs and his friendliness. Every time you pray, you refer to the exact things I am struggling with- thank you for being a vessel for Jesus through your kindness and gentleness. To Jaws for his wisdom and insight. I've learned so much from you in Bstud and you have so much to say- keep saying it. I see so much of Him shining through you- thank you for your contagious passion. To Nolan, for his fun-loving nature and sturdy belief in God. You've helped me through so much- I know I wouldn't have made it through last year without you. Thank you for teaching me how to play guitar, for making me feel listened to, and for sharing your musical tastes, dreams, and heart with me over the last two years. You are such a dear friend to me.
If any of you ever need anything, please contact me. I don't want to lose touch with the people who have stuck by me and taught me so many things. I pray that you all would experience God's love and faithfulness during the year to come, and that you would trust Him in every circumstance and fear. I'll be praying for your safety in travel and in spirit, and for your willingness to obey God and love Him with every possible area of your life and heart. Thank you all for being there when I needed to feel like I wasn't alone. Thank you for filling my life with your specific you-ness that is so amazing. You've all been a blessing to me, and I think of you all as my brothers and sisters.
I don't know why God planned for me to leave Morris a year early after making such amazing friends, or why He thought it better I didn't ever know what it would be like to partake in a UMM graduation ceremony, but I have faith that even though He has nothing exact planned for me currently, He still does have a plan. I think this season of my life that I'm entering into ought to be dedicated specifically to Him, for realz this time. No one and nothing can be allowed to come between the importance I place on my relationship with God. I'm realizing that even what I do isn't as important as knowing who He is and who I am in Him. Love is all that matters. If you all think of it, pray for me to find a decent job and to put God first on my priority list. Thanks again for being a comfort to a hurting soul. I love you all so much. Stay sweet.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
submissive mistaken for strong
this is scary but they weren't scared
the moon rises full
crying in the window reflecting sunlight
they longed to feel something
stuck so long in my comfortable unconsciousness
my favorite self-induced coma
longing for a feeling felt in another heart that is my own but not
living in a gray sort of haze-like life, devoid of dealings and resolutions
dull confusion from all these random thoughts that i can't explain
knowing to let go, but not of what to let go
heavily self-medicated by perpetual doses of denial and deep gasps
ignorant of the name or nature of that beast whispering to my unconscious
my own self-made reality to drown and fail at living and breathing and being
yet smile and laugh and succeed i did all the while i was peacefully drowning
the art had no color, nor music any common sense
i felt what i could not understand
stuffed neatly in the corner by those who couldn't have known better than i
my heart hiding quietly in the shadows, chained there by pleasant lies
i watched the world move separately from me
watched myself move separately from me
the tracking of my television skipping behind and forward as my words and actions left me
not attempting much
i rejoiced in ideas and thoughts and certain emotions
but lamented that that's all they were. i never could mean the things i wrote, though convinced, i was, that i did.
animal and alien instincts without cognition jerked me here and there and back again
confusedly feeling by far the most in my downfalls and torturedness, confusing everyone else again. and there again.
feeling like i was losing and screaming in a room where no one would listen
just stay in the corner and smile like before, because you miss my dumb simplicity
submissive mistaken for strong
riding the deluge of emotions coming from my imagination in order to feel something, like you feel, but i longed for more
my only escape from denial hidden in my fear and vast, comfortable extremes
getting let down again
getting hurt again because somehow i deserved it, and took the blame
wrong, wrong, wrong. i'm always wrong. i am the personification of wrong.
you told me so and treated me thus
you were lost too and in your desire to help you wished me ill
which i was promptly given
and i finally woke up
the moon rises full
crying in the window reflecting sunlight
they longed to feel something
stuck so long in my comfortable unconsciousness
my favorite self-induced coma
longing for a feeling felt in another heart that is my own but not
living in a gray sort of haze-like life, devoid of dealings and resolutions
dull confusion from all these random thoughts that i can't explain
knowing to let go, but not of what to let go
heavily self-medicated by perpetual doses of denial and deep gasps
ignorant of the name or nature of that beast whispering to my unconscious
my own self-made reality to drown and fail at living and breathing and being
yet smile and laugh and succeed i did all the while i was peacefully drowning
the art had no color, nor music any common sense
i felt what i could not understand
stuffed neatly in the corner by those who couldn't have known better than i
my heart hiding quietly in the shadows, chained there by pleasant lies
i watched the world move separately from me
watched myself move separately from me
the tracking of my television skipping behind and forward as my words and actions left me
not attempting much
i rejoiced in ideas and thoughts and certain emotions
but lamented that that's all they were. i never could mean the things i wrote, though convinced, i was, that i did.
animal and alien instincts without cognition jerked me here and there and back again
confusedly feeling by far the most in my downfalls and torturedness, confusing everyone else again. and there again.
feeling like i was losing and screaming in a room where no one would listen
just stay in the corner and smile like before, because you miss my dumb simplicity
submissive mistaken for strong
riding the deluge of emotions coming from my imagination in order to feel something, like you feel, but i longed for more
my only escape from denial hidden in my fear and vast, comfortable extremes
getting let down again
getting hurt again because somehow i deserved it, and took the blame
wrong, wrong, wrong. i'm always wrong. i am the personification of wrong.
you told me so and treated me thus
you were lost too and in your desire to help you wished me ill
which i was promptly given
and i finally woke up
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
untitled
"at the end of it all, i want to be in Your arms..."
"so tell me, what is our ending?
will it be beautiful, so beautiful?
will my life find me by Your side?
Your love is beautiful, so beautiful"
I don't want anything else...what else COULD I want?? Just You Jesus...after all this, I still just want You- even more than before God...please just come down and shake me up in Your love and promises and bigness...show me who You are and all the things You've done and will do. After all the chaos there is finally peace...and love...and forgiveness and goodness and light... After all this I find myself living again- or maybe living for the first real time. The darkness was so scary but now there is so much good. There is so much beauty in my devastation. I changed a lot during that time but You never did- You loved me even in the moments of absolute apathy and neglect of my relationship with You. In the moment when I cared the least about You, You cared the most. Every moment You love the most. I've always known God that I don't need anything else but You. But this summer...You've taught me that I don't want anything else either. After being so tricked and so lied to about everything, You still are victorious in winning the battle for my soul. You always will be. I may be swayed, but Your plans CANNOT be tampered with.
You have a complicated tapestry of life- weaving me into the lives of others, some of the thread that is me involved in a big pattern and some in just a small design. Being the thread makes it difficult to see what designs You're weaving. But You are weaving, sewing, working. I will never be able to see the whole masterpiece when I will always be the thread. But I trust, because I know You are who You say You are, that this infinite masterpiece that I am a part of will be good. As I am pulled through others' stitches and involved in designs that require other threads, You are my guide- the One who will pull my thread through the valleys of downward stitches and the peaks of upward stitches. And when my thread breaks and is released from the part of the tapestry I was involved in, then and only then will I be able to look back at the designs behind me and see which stitches were made for You and which stitches had to be reinforced again and again before moving on. I don't want to hide in the fibers of my humanity God, but live in the Hand who is stitching- in the glory and mystery that is this masterpiece we all have a thread in. I don't want my thread to stitch a design of disaster and disobedience and hatred and anger, but a design of love and life and joy and beauty. Your Holy Spirit makes me capable of that.
After coming this far, I will never be the same nor will I ever walk away from You. You've brought me too far to turn back. I don't want to miss out even for a moment on the beautiful, so beautiful life You have planned to stitch in the masterpiece tapestry You have intended. I want my life to mirror Yours God- for the first time... I just want You. I want to leave everything else behind for You God... reckless abandon... I want You to be pleased with me when at the end of it all, I find myself in Your arms.
Thank You Jesus. Thank You so much for not giving up on me. Forgive me for letting go of You even for a moment in reaching for anything else. Please make me beautiful in Your eyes... I long to be regarded as precious by someone God but I already am...I always have been. I
"so tell me, what is our ending?
will it be beautiful, so beautiful?
will my life find me by Your side?
Your love is beautiful, so beautiful"
I don't want anything else...what else COULD I want?? Just You Jesus...after all this, I still just want You- even more than before God...please just come down and shake me up in Your love and promises and bigness...show me who You are and all the things You've done and will do. After all the chaos there is finally peace...and love...and forgiveness and goodness and light... After all this I find myself living again- or maybe living for the first real time. The darkness was so scary but now there is so much good. There is so much beauty in my devastation. I changed a lot during that time but You never did- You loved me even in the moments of absolute apathy and neglect of my relationship with You. In the moment when I cared the least about You, You cared the most. Every moment You love the most. I've always known God that I don't need anything else but You. But this summer...You've taught me that I don't want anything else either. After being so tricked and so lied to about everything, You still are victorious in winning the battle for my soul. You always will be. I may be swayed, but Your plans CANNOT be tampered with.
You have a complicated tapestry of life- weaving me into the lives of others, some of the thread that is me involved in a big pattern and some in just a small design. Being the thread makes it difficult to see what designs You're weaving. But You are weaving, sewing, working. I will never be able to see the whole masterpiece when I will always be the thread. But I trust, because I know You are who You say You are, that this infinite masterpiece that I am a part of will be good. As I am pulled through others' stitches and involved in designs that require other threads, You are my guide- the One who will pull my thread through the valleys of downward stitches and the peaks of upward stitches. And when my thread breaks and is released from the part of the tapestry I was involved in, then and only then will I be able to look back at the designs behind me and see which stitches were made for You and which stitches had to be reinforced again and again before moving on. I don't want to hide in the fibers of my humanity God, but live in the Hand who is stitching- in the glory and mystery that is this masterpiece we all have a thread in. I don't want my thread to stitch a design of disaster and disobedience and hatred and anger, but a design of love and life and joy and beauty. Your Holy Spirit makes me capable of that.
After coming this far, I will never be the same nor will I ever walk away from You. You've brought me too far to turn back. I don't want to miss out even for a moment on the beautiful, so beautiful life You have planned to stitch in the masterpiece tapestry You have intended. I want my life to mirror Yours God- for the first time... I just want You. I want to leave everything else behind for You God... reckless abandon... I want You to be pleased with me when at the end of it all, I find myself in Your arms.
Thank You Jesus. Thank You so much for not giving up on me. Forgive me for letting go of You even for a moment in reaching for anything else. Please make me beautiful in Your eyes... I long to be regarded as precious by someone God but I already am...I always have been. I
Friday, July 31, 2009
today
Last night I witnessed a very brief debate about the existence of God on facebook. The Christian in the argument flat-out called the non-Christian ignorant. As I went about my morning today I thought about that and how people are supposed to know that we're Christians by our love. All this kid was doing was showing this non-believer judgment when these two people had never met or knew anything about each other. It angered me so much that I wanted to rebuke this judgmental person, even though I have never met him.
I got in a fight with my father this morning. He's the only one I can yell at or get outwardly upset with. He was angry at me for something that I did the night before and he snapped at me about it. He said he feels like when I'm home he gets treated like crap (insert a more colorful word here) and just kind of shoved aside. I don't know why I decided to answer right back with (I have always held this back and been afraid to confront him about this) the fact that I feel like that too when I'm home because he always is downstairs in his studio and I never get to see him. I walked into the kitchen so he wouldn't see how upset I was but he questioned me further and put the blame on me by asking me why I never joined him down there in his studio (something I would never do because it's strictly his room and I know he goes there to escape from things).
He apologized later for snapping at me. That just made me feel worse about it because he seemed to care so little about the topic that has shaped my lack of self-esteem my whole life. I opened my Bible and read from John. The last part I read was when He gave His disciples a new command- to love each other.
Loving people is hard.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was no different from that judgmental Christian. In the last week since I've been home, I have said something hurtful to almost every member of my family. It's always easier to judge than it is to love. Our tongues are so difficult to tame, especially when there are sins tied in- things like pride and self-addiction, lust, and unrighteous indignation. Love is messy and complicated and tainted by the very nature of being human. Only His love is perfect, and I believe we need His divine help to love others perfectly and purely. I need His help to even just love Him. We're all so imperfect. It's such a wonder, and such a gift, that God would choose to love me again and again as I wallow in my sinfulness and self-loathing. Yet there is no other choice for Him to make concerning His children. He is love. And His name is Jealous. He wants us even in the middle of the mistakes we make. Even when we fail to do good and wrongly judge others when we should be loving them and respecting them. It's easy to get mixed up and misunderstand things, like my father seems to misunderstand me a lot.
But what's important is that we work harder for the things that don't come easy. He tells us to love each other. And if we love Him then we'll keep His commands. If we love God then we need to love others. It can be easy to complicate that idea with worldly things but it really is a simple command, a simple formula. Even so, it is a struggle and what seems like an up-hill battle for me to love others, and to love myself too. Being loved by God at one period in time was an absolute, all-out battle for me, but- to me- knowing that He loves is something that is easily believed. I've been tricked and confused many times about God's other attributes (whether He is good and on my side, etc.), but I have never been able to deny even for a second that He is a loving God.
And I want to be like Him. Loving. Just loving everybody all the time. Everyone, no matter what kind of stupid mistakes they've made, I want to see them as He sees them. And I want to be able to look in the mirror and see the falsehoods and misconceptions I have about myself in comparison to others. I can pretend all day long that the judgmental kid is just plain wrong and and an immature Christian, but come nightfall I see the truth that my reflection looks an awful lot like the picture I've painted of this person I have found fault in. I am by no means any different or better from these people who do things I disapprove of. And I need to love them too, even when they don't seem to be loving the people they encounter. Jesus loves us right in the middle of our mistakes. I need to love others in the middle of their mistakes too.
And I need to forgive and let go of the things that have in the past had such a powerful hold on me. I need to forgive my father for being distant and uninvolved in my life. I need to forgive myself for having a hand in making it that way. I need to choose love everyday instead of the excuses I make and the other words that are so much easier to say. If I choose love, that means I choose Him and fulfill His will by obeying His commands. But I need help...I can't do it by myself.
Lord, be with me each day as I make the decision to love the people I encounter whether I feel they deserve it or not. Teach me what Your unconditional love looks like through the hearts of my friends and family. Enable me to see past my impatience and selfishness God so that I can see the truth as You see it in the way I relate the those around me. Be with me as I struggle to be transformed from one glory to the next.
eb
I got in a fight with my father this morning. He's the only one I can yell at or get outwardly upset with. He was angry at me for something that I did the night before and he snapped at me about it. He said he feels like when I'm home he gets treated like crap (insert a more colorful word here) and just kind of shoved aside. I don't know why I decided to answer right back with (I have always held this back and been afraid to confront him about this) the fact that I feel like that too when I'm home because he always is downstairs in his studio and I never get to see him. I walked into the kitchen so he wouldn't see how upset I was but he questioned me further and put the blame on me by asking me why I never joined him down there in his studio (something I would never do because it's strictly his room and I know he goes there to escape from things).
He apologized later for snapping at me. That just made me feel worse about it because he seemed to care so little about the topic that has shaped my lack of self-esteem my whole life. I opened my Bible and read from John. The last part I read was when He gave His disciples a new command- to love each other.
Loving people is hard.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was no different from that judgmental Christian. In the last week since I've been home, I have said something hurtful to almost every member of my family. It's always easier to judge than it is to love. Our tongues are so difficult to tame, especially when there are sins tied in- things like pride and self-addiction, lust, and unrighteous indignation. Love is messy and complicated and tainted by the very nature of being human. Only His love is perfect, and I believe we need His divine help to love others perfectly and purely. I need His help to even just love Him. We're all so imperfect. It's such a wonder, and such a gift, that God would choose to love me again and again as I wallow in my sinfulness and self-loathing. Yet there is no other choice for Him to make concerning His children. He is love. And His name is Jealous. He wants us even in the middle of the mistakes we make. Even when we fail to do good and wrongly judge others when we should be loving them and respecting them. It's easy to get mixed up and misunderstand things, like my father seems to misunderstand me a lot.
But what's important is that we work harder for the things that don't come easy. He tells us to love each other. And if we love Him then we'll keep His commands. If we love God then we need to love others. It can be easy to complicate that idea with worldly things but it really is a simple command, a simple formula. Even so, it is a struggle and what seems like an up-hill battle for me to love others, and to love myself too. Being loved by God at one period in time was an absolute, all-out battle for me, but- to me- knowing that He loves is something that is easily believed. I've been tricked and confused many times about God's other attributes (whether He is good and on my side, etc.), but I have never been able to deny even for a second that He is a loving God.
And I want to be like Him. Loving. Just loving everybody all the time. Everyone, no matter what kind of stupid mistakes they've made, I want to see them as He sees them. And I want to be able to look in the mirror and see the falsehoods and misconceptions I have about myself in comparison to others. I can pretend all day long that the judgmental kid is just plain wrong and and an immature Christian, but come nightfall I see the truth that my reflection looks an awful lot like the picture I've painted of this person I have found fault in. I am by no means any different or better from these people who do things I disapprove of. And I need to love them too, even when they don't seem to be loving the people they encounter. Jesus loves us right in the middle of our mistakes. I need to love others in the middle of their mistakes too.
And I need to forgive and let go of the things that have in the past had such a powerful hold on me. I need to forgive my father for being distant and uninvolved in my life. I need to forgive myself for having a hand in making it that way. I need to choose love everyday instead of the excuses I make and the other words that are so much easier to say. If I choose love, that means I choose Him and fulfill His will by obeying His commands. But I need help...I can't do it by myself.
Lord, be with me each day as I make the decision to love the people I encounter whether I feel they deserve it or not. Teach me what Your unconditional love looks like through the hearts of my friends and family. Enable me to see past my impatience and selfishness God so that I can see the truth as You see it in the way I relate the those around me. Be with me as I struggle to be transformed from one glory to the next.
eb
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
home deteriorated
For the last two and a half weeks I have been living alone in a freshly-painted, tiny, noisy, old house. After being home for about a month I thought it would be difficult to go back to work on campus for forty hours a week (the whole getting up at 7 am thing is definitely not for me). I was sad to leave home at first because of my friends, but was looking forward to getting away from my family and lack of routine for a while. I expected to miss them all a lot, and I did, but I really enjoyed living there despite the lack of internet and cable. I was quite depressed yesterday when I had to leave my little house and its psychedelic carpeting. It seemed I had found a friend there- amid the creaky floorboards and running plumbing and grumbling refrigerator. Sitting next to my window at my shaky card table, I had a freedom and individuality that was precious to me. I was far from excited to head back home after coming to like this house so much.
But maybe it was less about the house and more about what took place inside it- inside of me- while staying there. Arriving there I found myself in a place where there was no one to influence me- no one to keep a game face up for- no one to please or accommodate. I thought I would suffocate myself there- live in a reality that didn't match everyone else's and not even know it. Instead, I found quiet...and solitude...and peace. I discovered a quiet place in my heart that I didn't know existed and I lived in that place.
And I found a side of God that hadn't yet been experienced. I went to work and came home to a Friend everyday, no matter my mood or my attitude toward Him or whether I had read His Word the night before. He spoke to me and I spoke to Him...a living conversation that I had never experienced before. I blossomed in His hands.
After a brutal year of struggle and pain and abuse, and a history of having terrible summers of a lack of productivity in many more ways than one, my stay in that house was a needed breath of fresh air. Maybe that's why I loved it- I could breathe there like no where else. I could learn and let go and rest. I haven't done that in a very long time, if ever.
It's understandable after having so much tangible joy there why the last place I would want to go was home. I live with a family who doesn't understand me, who talk at me inside of with me, who have treated me poorly without even knowing it. I suffocate at home in my little room- the one piece of the house that was mine until my mom started using it as her office. But I do long to be with Lis, to suffer through her pain with her like she didn't know how to suffer through my pain with me last summer.
I left my friendly house quite sad, and drove for the next two hours, the first half hour in silence despite The Classic Crime playing emotionally in the CD player. I remembered on the way there that I had sung my heart out to that CD on the way there to work on campus, but I was nonverbally disappointed to be on the road again, headed back to a place where I didn't want to be. I had thought maybe I would talk to Jesus on the way but I didn't really, I didn't really think anything, I just drove.
But then, when I ejected The Silver Cord album to insert Seattle Sessions, the radio came on and played Never Be The Same by Red. I listened to all of it, nearly crying because the reception for that station normally fizzled out after driving a half hour from home. I knew that God was speaking to me through this little miracle...that song is sort of mine and God's song, more or less. And when I put in Seattle Sessions, which my friend Mike had burned for me, I remembered that he had also put Deteriorate by Demor Hunter on the CD- a song I more than love. After listening to Red's song, I was ready to hear Him, and I did. Deteriorate has always been a song that I listen to when I am having faith-shaking trouble. But this time, I wasn't...and I sang every word with a giant smile on my face because...I can be at my absolute worst- absolute rock bottom- and He loves me. He just loves me. His love makes my pain so beautiful, and so worth it to get through.
I know at this point that I wouldn't change a thing about how terribly the year went, because it proved that I am human, and that He is God. I came dangerously close to leaving Him. But I need Him too much for that. Leaving Him just wouldn't help anything.
I drove home worshiping the God of the universe to Deteriorate by Demon Hunter (definitely not a worship song). What beauty there is in pain- in singing praise in our weakness. My joy returned as I drove further and further away from my little house, because I knew that the home I have searched for- that place where I can belong and feel free- isn't in a building but within Jesus Christ- my Savior and the love of my life. I can't say this is a new lesson, but a needed one. After the year I've had, I need to return again and again to that place inside me where He is- or better yet, just never leave the place where my spirit is unspeakably moved by His. He is my home.
eb
But maybe it was less about the house and more about what took place inside it- inside of me- while staying there. Arriving there I found myself in a place where there was no one to influence me- no one to keep a game face up for- no one to please or accommodate. I thought I would suffocate myself there- live in a reality that didn't match everyone else's and not even know it. Instead, I found quiet...and solitude...and peace. I discovered a quiet place in my heart that I didn't know existed and I lived in that place.
And I found a side of God that hadn't yet been experienced. I went to work and came home to a Friend everyday, no matter my mood or my attitude toward Him or whether I had read His Word the night before. He spoke to me and I spoke to Him...a living conversation that I had never experienced before. I blossomed in His hands.
After a brutal year of struggle and pain and abuse, and a history of having terrible summers of a lack of productivity in many more ways than one, my stay in that house was a needed breath of fresh air. Maybe that's why I loved it- I could breathe there like no where else. I could learn and let go and rest. I haven't done that in a very long time, if ever.
It's understandable after having so much tangible joy there why the last place I would want to go was home. I live with a family who doesn't understand me, who talk at me inside of with me, who have treated me poorly without even knowing it. I suffocate at home in my little room- the one piece of the house that was mine until my mom started using it as her office. But I do long to be with Lis, to suffer through her pain with her like she didn't know how to suffer through my pain with me last summer.
I left my friendly house quite sad, and drove for the next two hours, the first half hour in silence despite The Classic Crime playing emotionally in the CD player. I remembered on the way there that I had sung my heart out to that CD on the way there to work on campus, but I was nonverbally disappointed to be on the road again, headed back to a place where I didn't want to be. I had thought maybe I would talk to Jesus on the way but I didn't really, I didn't really think anything, I just drove.
But then, when I ejected The Silver Cord album to insert Seattle Sessions, the radio came on and played Never Be The Same by Red. I listened to all of it, nearly crying because the reception for that station normally fizzled out after driving a half hour from home. I knew that God was speaking to me through this little miracle...that song is sort of mine and God's song, more or less. And when I put in Seattle Sessions, which my friend Mike had burned for me, I remembered that he had also put Deteriorate by Demor Hunter on the CD- a song I more than love. After listening to Red's song, I was ready to hear Him, and I did. Deteriorate has always been a song that I listen to when I am having faith-shaking trouble. But this time, I wasn't...and I sang every word with a giant smile on my face because...I can be at my absolute worst- absolute rock bottom- and He loves me. He just loves me. His love makes my pain so beautiful, and so worth it to get through.
I know at this point that I wouldn't change a thing about how terribly the year went, because it proved that I am human, and that He is God. I came dangerously close to leaving Him. But I need Him too much for that. Leaving Him just wouldn't help anything.
I drove home worshiping the God of the universe to Deteriorate by Demon Hunter (definitely not a worship song). What beauty there is in pain- in singing praise in our weakness. My joy returned as I drove further and further away from my little house, because I knew that the home I have searched for- that place where I can belong and feel free- isn't in a building but within Jesus Christ- my Savior and the love of my life. I can't say this is a new lesson, but a needed one. After the year I've had, I need to return again and again to that place inside me where He is- or better yet, just never leave the place where my spirit is unspeakably moved by His. He is my home.
eb
Sunday, July 26, 2009
hope is the missing part
My best friend Lis had her first kiss stolen last weekend. Some mexican from work did it, despite how many times she said no. I cried when she told me because deserves so much better than for something like that to happen to her.
I hate that sometimes what we want out of life is taken from us kicking and screaming. I hate that blind disrespect can taint such well-protected innocence. I don't know why I feel like this tragedy happened to me too. Maybe because we've been friends since third grade. I'm angry with him. And angry that God would let something like that happen to someone like her. The first words she said after she told the story of how it happened were about forgiveness. Mine were far from that idea, and still are. She's a different kind of strong than I am, I think. She has the ability to bounce back after being knocked down. I have the ability to get knocked down and stay there until I'm ready to get up- usually much longer than anyone else I know. It takes strength to forgive, but it takes strength to endure the mud too. Maybe I drag myself through the mud, but at least I endure it even at high costs.
I'm not being pessimistic when I say that everything around us is broken in some way. We may not always see it- but there are cracks and pieces missing or stolen from nearly every life we encounter. The world operates on a broken system. We achieve and lose on a broken leg, broken attitude, broken heart. There's something hurting in each of us, even the happy ones. We all leave a trail of wreckage behind every step we take toward a direction, forward or backward. Our success is someone else's failure, and our failure is someone else's gain. It seems the law of consequences rules the word.
I know that I personally do what I can to learn from the mistakes I've made, the hearts I've broken, and my own heart that I've broken without anyone's help. Learning is the hard part. Changing is the necessary part. Hope is the missing part. I don't want to slide back into a place that has imprisoned me so many times before. I crave freedom and room to run and fresh air. I long to be outside and not just analyze it through my window.
Despite creeps like that mexican, I want to believe that people are good. The truth is that we aren't really. I tend to make a lot more mistakes than I ever do good. I criticize others but I criticize myself the most. And yet I find myself rooting for the underdog in all of us. We are just as capable of good as we are of evil. Things can be good again if I cling to the one Thing I know to always be good. I can be as angry as I want at the brokeness of the world, but I can't help but smile when I get to the end of that thought because He always takes something terrible and uses it for our, and His, good. I may never understand the ways that I have been broken and am broken, but I would rather focus on the glue that's holding me together every second I'm alive. My terra cotta heart will be smashed again and again, but there is an unearthly grout that will fix whatever is left into what He desires of me, for my benefit and His glory.
I may get knocked down again and again and again, but He will always pick me up. He can heal what we cannot. And when the pieces get too small- when my heart is just clay dust, He'll start again with me and mold me with new, soft, clay. He'll make me new again and breathe His breath into my lungs again and again to revive me. The broken world can't do anything to me that He cannot fix. They can take everything from me but He will still remain in me. I will still be His. And no one can take that from me, even in death. Even in death I will have freedom and room to run and fresh air. Even when I take my part in belonging to the brokeness of this world, He is still good. He will always be good.
eb
I hate that sometimes what we want out of life is taken from us kicking and screaming. I hate that blind disrespect can taint such well-protected innocence. I don't know why I feel like this tragedy happened to me too. Maybe because we've been friends since third grade. I'm angry with him. And angry that God would let something like that happen to someone like her. The first words she said after she told the story of how it happened were about forgiveness. Mine were far from that idea, and still are. She's a different kind of strong than I am, I think. She has the ability to bounce back after being knocked down. I have the ability to get knocked down and stay there until I'm ready to get up- usually much longer than anyone else I know. It takes strength to forgive, but it takes strength to endure the mud too. Maybe I drag myself through the mud, but at least I endure it even at high costs.
I'm not being pessimistic when I say that everything around us is broken in some way. We may not always see it- but there are cracks and pieces missing or stolen from nearly every life we encounter. The world operates on a broken system. We achieve and lose on a broken leg, broken attitude, broken heart. There's something hurting in each of us, even the happy ones. We all leave a trail of wreckage behind every step we take toward a direction, forward or backward. Our success is someone else's failure, and our failure is someone else's gain. It seems the law of consequences rules the word.
I know that I personally do what I can to learn from the mistakes I've made, the hearts I've broken, and my own heart that I've broken without anyone's help. Learning is the hard part. Changing is the necessary part. Hope is the missing part. I don't want to slide back into a place that has imprisoned me so many times before. I crave freedom and room to run and fresh air. I long to be outside and not just analyze it through my window.
Despite creeps like that mexican, I want to believe that people are good. The truth is that we aren't really. I tend to make a lot more mistakes than I ever do good. I criticize others but I criticize myself the most. And yet I find myself rooting for the underdog in all of us. We are just as capable of good as we are of evil. Things can be good again if I cling to the one Thing I know to always be good. I can be as angry as I want at the brokeness of the world, but I can't help but smile when I get to the end of that thought because He always takes something terrible and uses it for our, and His, good. I may never understand the ways that I have been broken and am broken, but I would rather focus on the glue that's holding me together every second I'm alive. My terra cotta heart will be smashed again and again, but there is an unearthly grout that will fix whatever is left into what He desires of me, for my benefit and His glory.
I may get knocked down again and again and again, but He will always pick me up. He can heal what we cannot. And when the pieces get too small- when my heart is just clay dust, He'll start again with me and mold me with new, soft, clay. He'll make me new again and breathe His breath into my lungs again and again to revive me. The broken world can't do anything to me that He cannot fix. They can take everything from me but He will still remain in me. I will still be His. And no one can take that from me, even in death. Even in death I will have freedom and room to run and fresh air. Even when I take my part in belonging to the brokeness of this world, He is still good. He will always be good.
eb
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