today

Last night I witnessed a very brief debate about the existence of God on facebook. The Christian in the argument flat-out called the non-Christian ignorant. As I went about my morning today I thought about that and how people are supposed to know that we're Christians by our love. All this kid was doing was showing this non-believer judgment when these two people had never met or knew anything about each other. It angered me so much that I wanted to rebuke this judgmental person, even though I have never met him.

I got in a fight with my father this morning. He's the only one I can yell at or get outwardly upset with. He was angry at me for something that I did the night before and he snapped at me about it. He said he feels like when I'm home he gets treated like crap (insert a more colorful word here) and just kind of shoved aside. I don't know why I decided to answer right back with (I have always held this back and been afraid to confront him about this) the fact that I feel like that too when I'm home because he always is downstairs in his studio and I never get to see him. I walked into the kitchen so he wouldn't see how upset I was but he questioned me further and put the blame on me by asking me why I never joined him down there in his studio (something I would never do because it's strictly his room and I know he goes there to escape from things).

He apologized later for snapping at me. That just made me feel worse about it because he seemed to care so little about the topic that has shaped my lack of self-esteem my whole life. I opened my Bible and read from John. The last part I read was when He gave His disciples a new command- to love each other.

Loving people is hard.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was no different from that judgmental Christian. In the last week since I've been home, I have said something hurtful to almost every member of my family. It's always easier to judge than it is to love. Our tongues are so difficult to tame, especially when there are sins tied in- things like pride and self-addiction, lust, and unrighteous indignation. Love is messy and complicated and tainted by the very nature of being human. Only His love is perfect, and I believe we need His divine help to love others perfectly and purely. I need His help to even just love Him. We're all so imperfect. It's such a wonder, and such a gift, that God would choose to love me again and again as I wallow in my sinfulness and self-loathing. Yet there is no other choice for Him to make concerning His children. He is love. And His name is Jealous. He wants us even in the middle of the mistakes we make. Even when we fail to do good and wrongly judge others when we should be loving them and respecting them. It's easy to get mixed up and misunderstand things, like my father seems to misunderstand me a lot.

But what's important is that we work harder for the things that don't come easy. He tells us to love each other. And if we love Him then we'll keep His commands. If we love God then we need to love others. It can be easy to complicate that idea with worldly things but it really is a simple command, a simple formula. Even so, it is a struggle and what seems like an up-hill battle for me to love others, and to love myself too. Being loved by God at one period in time was an absolute, all-out battle for me, but- to me- knowing that He loves is something that is easily believed. I've been tricked and confused many times about God's other attributes (whether He is good and on my side, etc.), but I have never been able to deny even for a second that He is a loving God.

And I want to be like Him. Loving. Just loving everybody all the time. Everyone, no matter what kind of stupid mistakes they've made, I want to see them as He sees them. And I want to be able to look in the mirror and see the falsehoods and misconceptions I have about myself in comparison to others. I can pretend all day long that the judgmental kid is just plain wrong and and an immature Christian, but come nightfall I see the truth that my reflection looks an awful lot like the picture I've painted of this person I have found fault in. I am by no means any different or better from these people who do things I disapprove of. And I need to love them too, even when they don't seem to be loving the people they encounter. Jesus loves us right in the middle of our mistakes. I need to love others in the middle of their mistakes too.

And I need to forgive and let go of the things that have in the past had such a powerful hold on me. I need to forgive my father for being distant and uninvolved in my life. I need to forgive myself for having a hand in making it that way. I need to choose love everyday instead of the excuses I make and the other words that are so much easier to say. If I choose love, that means I choose Him and fulfill His will by obeying His commands. But I need help...I can't do it by myself.

Lord, be with me each day as I make the decision to love the people I encounter whether I feel they deserve it or not. Teach me what Your unconditional love looks like through the hearts of my friends and family. Enable me to see past my impatience and selfishness God so that I can see the truth as You see it in the way I relate the those around me. Be with me as I struggle to be transformed from one glory to the next.


eb