Now that I've decided that I won't be attending UMM for my final year and am home in Sartell for good, I've been doing a lot of thinking about my life. Maybe it's because I'm German, but I've always felt uncomfortable with wanting or needing things. I don't like to ask people for things, and it's taken a lot of brave introspection to get to the bottom of, well, my life and me.
I've always thought I was meant to do something important. I'm sure most people feel that way, but when I look at my family, I can't say the same for them. Part of me wants to be successful just to prove to them that it can be done- to show them that they can't give up, that there's hope and meaning and purpose. That trying doesn't mean failing.
I work in a pharmacy in town. I'm still new. I feel the impending sense of responsibility that comes with no longer being a trainee, and I have to say- I am dreading it. So much. I can honestly say I don't want to work there for the next five years or even tomorrow. I'm realizing- fully realizing- that I don't want to work a job that has no heart. I need something to put my heart in. I need to do something that matters.
This isn't what I want my life to look like, and it's killing me. For most of my life I've stepped back from the spotlight. I've listened to my family tell me I can't; I've let them talk me down from every inspired idea I've ever had. I've let them convince me that having a stable job (whether I like or want the job or not) is more important than anything else, no matter how amazing the other opportunities. They've taught me to always have a plan, and well- for the first time this spring, I had none. And I still don't.
I feel like it's all coming down to it now. I need to start making decisions, making choices, getting excited about things without allowing outside influences to talk me down. I don't want to be talked down from the ledge of inspiration and hope anymore. I need to believe that I can live a life that isn't boring and safe and mediocre. I don't believe I've ever desired to be a mediocre person who does mediocre things. I want to show my family that there still is hope for living the kind of life they've always dreamed of living. I want to show them what it is to live.
If my life were a story and I was the author, I would write about a character who met with challenges and had enough bravery to not back down. She would be determined to make things happen and be kind to strangers. She would be like a pawn on the chessboard of her life, being moved where God instructed. She would work in a church, planning and organizing church events and retreats. She would play guitar in worship on Sundays and use her pictures to help promote the church. She would be a source of hope and comfort to those within the church who are hurting by making them realize that they are not alone and are not crazy because they don't look like the average joyful Christian. In her spare time she would write short stories and perfect her cooking skills, to the delight of her small group. She wouldn't be afraid. She wouldn't shrink back from blessings because she feels she doesn't deserve them. She wouldn't reject love because she doesn't understand it, but would turn for clarity to her Friend and Savior in trust and love.
Ultimately, I need a way out. I need to get out of the rut I've always been in. Risk breathing for the chance I might choke. I don't want to live like this anymore. The thing is, I'm finding that I have no idea how to go about living a new life. I'm used to having a plan, remember? A step-by-step guide would be nice.
I guess the closest thing to that would be this conference in Portland that Don Miller's putting on in September. I told my mom about it last night and I got the usual response. I think deep down my parents would rather I did nothing if it meant I risked nothing. Success doesn't come without risk, right? It would be ridiculous if I went, because I don't do things like fly to Portland for three days in the middle of my non-plan plan. But honestly, I've been thinking about it so much and it's been making me think even more about my life and where I want to be a year from now, or even a week from now. For me, Portland has become a sort of symbol of hope to me, that life can be more than it has been for me over these last 21 years. I have a lot of faith that Don Miller and his ideas about living a better story could really help me. I've been very shy this summer in asking God for things, but Portland is one thing I have directly asked Him for.
The thing is, this conference is expensive. The whole shindig would set me back at least $800 when you throw in airfare, hotel, registration, and meals. But- there's this contest. If I win, it's all free...which would solve my dilemma. AND I would get to travel on a plane for the first time, with a friend. I think I need this, or at least something like it. When I told my mom about it, she asked me if there was anything else I could do to get the same result that I would from the conference. I told her Don's book A Million Years in A Thousand Miles is kind of what he's basing it off of. She suggested I just read the rest of the book and leave it at that. I told her she was missing the point. I think my family, in general, is missing the point- and I don't want to miss the point of life anymore. This is one thing I don't want to let her talk me out of because I have so much hope that it could change the course of my life. With that kind of clarity hinging on this conference and this contest, I put my faith in the fact that God knows best. That I've entered the contest with a deeply prayerful, wounded, and in-need heart. I pray He would give me the direction I need to move forward in His plan by attending the Live A Better Story conference in Portland. I genuinely think that He has things to say to me there that I need to hear. I keep feeling more and more that I want to escape my current life, and I think an experience in Portland could help me gain new perspective and the tools to change my current life into something that is fulfilling, valuable, and important. For those of you reading this, I ask that you would pray with me for this event! If you want to know more about this conference, go here: www.donmilleris.com/conference
Also, here's a video about it: http://donmilleris.com/2010/07/15/win-a-trip-for-two-to-portland-for-the-living-a-better-story-seminar/
Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.
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