currently.

It's been a rough twenty hours for me, I won't lie. Last night everything sort of hit the fan. I regretted the fact that I had started thinking about it, because once I've thought about it, there's no "unthinking" it. And usually, well, it tends to go downhill from there. Why does thinking have to be a healthy thing? Sometimes it feels like insanity.

Since being home from school this summer, I've managed to keep myself together okay. Yeah I've not slept well, eaten well, or socialized well, but if I ever did cry, it was only for a minute- my breakdowns were small and compact, usually fitting into the size of an eight measure line in a song on the radio. But last night...I don't know what happened. I just broke. It was good I guess. But, let me tell you, going to work broken is NOT ideal. I found myself crying before I was out of the house and before I walked into the building. I hate that.

The whole self-assessment thing is next I guess. I've established that I feel dead at my job. Now it's time to address the whole feeling-dead-all-the-time thing. Sometimes it's easier to not be honest with yourself. Sometimes it's just easier to long for something else completely and think that doing that something else will make all your problems go away. I think I might have potential though. To be great. I just feel rather shipwrecked now. Or, well... I guess I feel more like I'm stranded on an island. Like November was the storm and ship wrecking, and I've been treading water and directionlessly back stroking ever since.

Back to the self-assessing. Generally, I self-assess about every five minutes all day long. And generally, it's always floating around in the back of my mind waiting for a pointed voice. I've been saying a lot that I'm not in a good place to make, or even keep, friends. I might as well be on an island, with the way things are for me now- the way I'm choosing them to be. As silly as it sounds, watching the Bachelorette makes me realize that one of these days when I'm ready, I'll have to go out on a limb and take a chance on someone- take a chance at being happy. I'm looking forward to it. But. I'm not so good at limbs.

I feel distant from my friends. I never talk to them and when I do I find myself sugar coating and fluffing up the conversation with "oh well"s and "but that's okay"s, subconsciously and mutedly taking on their more positive, happy, attitude. I feel very different from them. It isn't difficult for them to be happy. As a consequence, I've been wondering if I should see a counselor. And I look at the drugs I package into bottles at work and wonder if they really work. I'm figuring out that I love blind inspiration because I don't feel like the usual me when I'm inspired. I don't feel like the blah sort of weighed-down me. I feel like, what I like to think is, the real me- the me I love being. Whoever said "just be yourself" didn't realize how impossible it can be for some of us, how complicated it can be.

I keep thinking there has to be a reason for all this.

I keep begging God that on the other side of this year, something truly amazing is waiting for me- something epic, something big- something that will make all of this worth it. Because the truth is, if I was promised that in a year I would have something awesome, I would work two unfulfilling jobs. But right now, I'm not promised that. Yet I have hope of something good because I have to. If I didn't, I couldn't do it.

Anyway. Look at me wandering through this blog. I never know what I have in mind to say when I start writing on here. Guess that's what happens when you let your thoughts off its leash.

I need to get up early. :/ Wish me luck.