sharpen

I'm going through my stuff today and packing up some of it. I found some old notebooks- some academic and some other...both of which have made me incredibly sad. It's funny what time allows you to forget until you read about your personal hell in your own handwriting. My memories from that time are usually vague and generalized and difficult for me to describe. But reading those journals and letters...I remember how vivid everything was and how I saw the world.

I'm not sad that I found them though. I'm glad I wrote down my feelings. I'm glad it's documented. I'm just sad that so much of my life was wasted on inner torment and delirium. I mourn for that time when, for me, there was no sun, no hope, no joy, no love- because now I know that there is always sun, hope, joy, and love. It was always there, I just couldn't see it. I know that He never left me.

I've been working on forgiveness lately. And while it may seem strange to forgive a time in my life, I want to. I want to forgive myself for the way I handled things. I was honestly and genuinely doing my best- trying my hardest to keep my head above the water. Praise God that He had my hand in His, and guided me through the rapids. I ought to apologize to my friends too, for sticking with me. I said some horrible things and could not love them during that time. They had every reason to leave me, give up on me, disown me- but they didn't, even though I wasn't sorry.

I will keep these words. I will keep them to remind me how far down I was- to make me thankful and grateful to God for delivering me from it. I actually have a life now. I am actually LIVING my life now. I feel like I have been given a new life, a new start- a new way to be human (as Switchfoot would say). I will keep learning how to walk on these new legs and to breathe with these new lungs and see through these new eyes. But I don't want to forget what it was like to be enslaved by the thoughts I had then. I don't want to forget what it was like to suffer every moment of the day. Because time dulls the memories I have of my "previous life," I don't want to take for granted the much freer life I live now. I don't want to ever forget the pain. Now pain only sharpens my joy.

dirt

I haven't been writing as much. I miss it. I actually got up the guts to read through a story I had started working on a while ago. I had tried to continue writing it but I couldn't. Criticism is so stunting.

It's funny how much richer life seems when there is some mud and blood mixed in between the moving frames. The grit, the skinned knees...how strange that sometimes I miss that rawness.

Although I miss my depth and passion, I do not miss the irrationality and madness. What a strangely delicious hell it was back then. How everything swirled and dove and turned through me...what a horrible beauty. But now the blood on my hands (that was my own) is no longer there. Just lumpy scars and dream-like memories.

But oh, how the darkness made everything else sparkle. I miss the intensity and the way I knew myself so deeply.

Now stumbling over my ghosts and stalling at my shadows is frustrating and cold. I used to hide behind my hot blooded vision, but now I just stand there and stubbornly freeze. There is nothing inner to comfort me. Though, frankly, that is good.

Forgive me for the confusion I caused. Forgive me the mess I made.

hello sunrise

It's all going to be okay and it's all going to be alright
the storm is over and the darkness gone
please get taken over by this reality
the past has no hold on you now
what's then is not what's now
step forward and breathe in deep
forgive and forget, live and let live
cultivate your garden richly
water the grass you're standing on
hello sunrise.

prayers

Hey. I've been meaning to talk to You. There's been a lot on my mind lately- You know this. I've been spending a lot more time thinking about my future than I have about You. Or even genuinely thanking You that I can even be seriously thinking about it. Ultimately though, things happen- and all of this is under Your control, not mine. Ultimately, we're not married yet. And even when we are, I will never be totally his. I can only ever be totally Yours, in every way. I'm sorry for not making time for You- for taking more delight in what You have given me than in You Yourself. Thank You that I can at least handle all this. I know without medication it would be pretty much impossible. Without it, I might have lost him already. Maybe You knew that. Yikes. What a mess I am without Your help. I wonder how things would've been different had I started taking medication years ago? Anyway, You matter the most in my life. Without You I have nothing. Literally. Nothing. Forgive me for temporarily forgetting that. You know how I get caught up in things. I've really been losing sight of You and even of myself in all this. I was afraid of that. Of losing myself in belonging to another. My responsibility is to You. You're the One I answer to for my behaviors, good or bad. I think I'm still learning how to walk on two feet. How strange, that I need to learn how to have a normal, balanced life not afflicted by the suffocating blanket of depression and anxiety. Thank You for releasing me from it. Help me to tread lightly, Lord- to figure out what steps I ought to be taking. Not just because I can. It's strange how every single thing feels different. Literally everything looks different. How strange that I have to become reacquainted with the same old (mysteriously mine and Yours) friends that look and feel less familiar, less akin to me. I miss this. I miss thinking this way. Thank You for showing me that I am valuable, that the substance I exist of is important and on purpose. You are a mighty God, and I am thankful that I get to praise You for Your goodness and mercy. Without You, I would be nothing. Have nothing. I love You. Teach me to love more. Teach me how to walk, and teach me how to love. What a beautiful thing it is that You lead by example, Lord. You are good. Teach me how to do good with Your blessings. I have caused myself great harm, Lord. Thank You for healing what my hands have done. Forgiveness changes everything.

be

I know myself through the music I listen to. I can hear myself better when I listen to music I love. My own pulse- beating, driving, breaking with the tempo and the strums and bass. What a comfort and relief it is to know that I still hear it. After everything, after all this- I still hear it. What a joy it is to know that through all the tumult, I have not lost myself.

Dawn has come, and the night is gone.

And all I can say is...breathe in and breathe out. Whisper and cartwheel and breathe in and breathe out. My darling child's heart- keep humming and twirling and longing. Don't stop listening for the pieces of yourself that you can only find out in the world- in the song and on the mountains and with another beating heart. You embody the beauty you see. You are the beauty you feel. Forgive what was. Embrace you. Only then will you truly embrace others in your life who are longing to know what it is to be embraced by you. It's okay to open now. It's okay to be. Just be.

Come out now, and be free.

barriers still

Lately I've been thinking about things. Is anyone else also afraid of the things you want? I'm worried that my heart will never be opened again like it was back then. I can face my fears all I want, but if I don't let it reach me, change me, what's the point? What's the point of doing what scares you if you aren't risking something? I am less afraid than I have ever been. And yet there are barriers still. It seems that most people are concerned about whether they are loved. That includes me, I guess. But what I am most concerned about now is whether I can love people. Will I ever love someone like that again? The stubborn part of me is shouting a resounding negative. Maybe I just need to heal from all the things I have undergone. The scars are somehow still wounding me. I will never feel ready to let go- it's a choice. A conscious choice. Pack it up, give it away, move onward. What kind of freedom is there in holding on anyway? So much easier said than done.

alive

I really think that this year is going to be the year in which everything changes. I hope it is, anyway. I have hope that it will be the year in which everything changes. I'm hoping to go forward and not look back. And I hope that if I ever do look back, the last few years will just seem like a bad dream I had a long time ago.

I still don't know what I'm doing, but I'm not as scared about it. It's all going to be okay.

And for as much of a non-risk taker as I am, I have done a lot of things that scare me recently. I have proved that I can do things even if I am scared. More and more consistently I am spiting fear and not using it as an excuse to not live my life.

Lots of work yet to be done though. How easily I forget to work hard on the things that matter the most to me. I have hope that it'll all come. Things are changing and I just am realizing that I will have to learn to accept it. I will have to learn to accept this.

At the end of the day, all the other things I'm focused on pale in comparison to how important He is.

It'll come.