fight

I've been thinking about change today. Not pocket change. Well, not only pocket change. I waste a lot of time thinking I can fix myself. That my current broken state is livable and tolerable and fine. I guess that's denial. I'm not good at moving on, or moving at all. My life isn't going to change if I don't learn how to do things differently, how to become differently. I can continue to erroneously believe that I can provide the help I need, or I can be more honest with myself than is comfortable and admit that I can't change me by myself. There is a lot of darkness in me that I don't know how to dispel.

And I'm scared.

Processes are not easy for me. I don't transition well. Asking for help, and accepting that help, are not easy for me. But if I don't do something about this, I'm going to just stay the same. And ultimately, I don't really want that. I mean, that WOULD be the easier route- and I've been taking that route for some time now. But I can fight even when I think I can't. I have been incredibly worn out lately- in a very deep, speechless place, but I have no other choice but to fight if I want it to ever get better. I can't NOT fight. The other choice is no choice at all.

I'm real scared.

But I have to go out on a limb here. I've got to get out of here- I need to let my need for rest drive me out of my isolation and into the light where there is warmth and restoration. I'm so tired that I have no other option but to fight as hard as I can back to a place of safety and health and forgiveness. It's going to absolutely suck. But. So what? I can deal with that. Just don't let me do it alone.

[No weeping, no hurt or pain, no suffering- You hold me now, You hold me now. No darkness, no sick or lame, no hiding- You hold me now, You hold me now]