walk with Me

I don't know why it's a foreign thing- why it seems new to me to picture Jesus looking at me and saying "walk with Me..." I think I have lived my christian life as if I expected God to walk with ME- as if He didn't before.

"I run for dear life to God, I'll never regret it." -psalm 70:1

I want a deep lasting love...the kind Bruchko and the Motilones talked about...the kind Classic Crime are floating around in this song. I feel like there's so much missing in my life and me and my family keep trying to find something, keep searching for something we don't know. Why do I search for something I have? Do I really have it if I'm running around frantically trying to find it somewhere else- anywhere else?

There is a need for the real thing. The real You I keep hiding from and running around. For some reason I feel like I can't bear You- I can't handle You and I'm scared to let You really change my life and me. I'm afraid to let go of me. I'm afraid to be totally Yours. I'm afraid to change. I'm afraid to have all of You. Maybe it's a control thing. I need help finding You again, or finding You for the first real time. I'm realizing that my relationship with You never seems to stick- if I'm happy I love You and if I'm angry I hate You. If things go right I love You and love me, but if things go wrong I hate You and try to destroy me.

But all You want is to love me. All You want is me. Completely me. You want me to walk with You. You stand there, pleadingly, "walk with Me..." You can give me the kind of life I can't imagine living- the kind that matters, the kind I genuinely want to live. I can't stand this half-hearted relationship with You, and You can't either. I think we both want all or nothing. I feel like I have no love for You. I feel like if I really really loved You, I would want to spend time with You- I would crave that need everyday. I mean, let's look at my daydreams and how I imagine it would be to be in love- why do I feel like it shouldn't be like that with You? Have I ever taken You that seriously? I love me more than I have ever loved You. I want things to go my way. I want things selfishly from You and get so confused when You delay in giving them to me. My life isn't about You at all. It's only about me.

My life sucks and has been sucking because I choose myself repeatedly over You. When things go badly, when I suffer, I curse You instead of clinging to You for dear life, thinking it'll make me feel better but it never does. It hasn't worked. I don't want to waste another three years of my life hating You and being angry at everything You do or don't do. I think it's time I just start doing what You tell me to.

It isn't weak to change. It isn't weak even to be wrong. Humility isn't weakness. Why would it be weak to grow?

I keep skirting around the edge of us because I'm afraid. Relationships scare me- including this one. Being vulnerable is something pretty unfathomable to me in this time of life. And the choices I've been making have really been getting in the way of us too. I'm sure that's half the problem. I've been grieving You, Holy Spirit. I don't remember You anymore, after all this distance and fighting. I need to know You. Really know You.