i can't-

At the end of the day, I am just a girl. A girl with tousled hair and no makeup, in sweats and fleece, a tired soul in a tired body. And that's enough. There is beauty in that, in the plain me devoid of decorations and trends, when I am not clothed in attempted style, attempted perfection, attempted self-redemption. There is beauty in being just what I am and nothing more. There is beauty in just being me. There is beauty in not pretending.

There is freedom in trying to be the best human I can be, and no more.

I cannot be reconciled to the world through any means. I am not meant to be redeemed by it. Every part of my life holds some sense of dissatisfaction or disappointment- in every avenue I am imperfect somehow, with branches of cracks and splinters rooted deep into who I am. Somehow it is beautiful to me tonight, even though it still hurts.

Right now I miss a place I have never been.

At the end of the day, I am a wreck. No amount of hiding or secrets or acting changes that. And even though I hate it, there is some peace in admitting it. There is peace in knowing that the answer to me is bigger than me, beyond me, beyond you, beyond whatever you think or say or do in relation to me. There is peace because in being honest with myself, I see that I need Him. There can never be another- there is no one like Him.

God, I am so tired. So tired I'm about to give up. I'm quietly suffering in here, silently bleeding in here, but I am still Yours. Will always be Yours. Please don't let me quit. Please don't let me give up hope, please don't let me forfeit the faith I had. So many things get in the way, including the things that are supposed to help me talk to You. Those things don't matter if they don't bring me in closer to You.

Promise me Jesus, that You'll be the first one to usher me in? I can't even imagine.