submissive mistaken for strong

this is scary but they weren't scared

the moon rises full

crying in the window reflecting sunlight

they longed to feel something

stuck so long in my comfortable unconsciousness
my favorite self-induced coma

longing for a feeling felt in another heart that is my own but not

living in a gray sort of haze-like life, devoid of dealings and resolutions

dull confusion from all these random thoughts that i can't explain

knowing to let go, but not of what to let go

heavily self-medicated by perpetual doses of denial and deep gasps

ignorant of the name or nature of that beast whispering to my unconscious

my own self-made reality to drown and fail at living and breathing and being

yet smile and laugh and succeed i did all the while i was peacefully drowning

the art had no color, nor music any common sense

i felt what i could not understand

stuffed neatly in the corner by those who couldn't have known better than i

my heart hiding quietly in the shadows, chained there by pleasant lies

i watched the world move separately from me

watched myself move separately from me

the tracking of my television skipping behind and forward as my words and actions left me

not attempting much

i rejoiced in ideas and thoughts and certain emotions

but lamented that that's all they were. i never could mean the things i wrote, though convinced, i was, that i did.

animal and alien instincts without cognition jerked me here and there and back again

confusedly feeling by far the most in my downfalls and torturedness, confusing everyone else again. and there again.

feeling like i was losing and screaming in a room where no one would listen

just stay in the corner and smile like before, because you miss my dumb simplicity

submissive mistaken for strong

riding the deluge of emotions coming from my imagination in order to feel something, like you feel, but i longed for more

my only escape from denial hidden in my fear and vast, comfortable extremes

getting let down again

getting hurt again because somehow i deserved it, and took the blame

wrong, wrong, wrong. i'm always wrong. i am the personification of wrong.

you told me so and treated me thus

you were lost too and in your desire to help you wished me ill
which i was promptly given

and i finally woke up