fearless

In 39 days I will embark upon a new chapter of my life- one that includes the aforementioned awesome guy who is alllllll mine. I can barely believe it...so much good- all for some grace-covered sinner. It didn't used to be like this though. Before this, my life constantly revolved around fear. It followed me around relentlessly for as long as I can remember. I feared everything.

This is truly the only time in my life that I haven't felt afraid. I was hesitant, but I let myself fall in love. Copeland said "if you fall in love, fall in love and hold nothing back" and I did. And now, I'm moving forward and feel no fear about the decisions I'm making. It is seriously remarkable. I am not afraid to get married- even though I always have been deep down. I am not afraid to move away from my hometown. I am not afraid to leave my job for a new one. I am not afraid to be someone's wife. I'm even less afraid about being a mother one day.

This is the first time in my life that I have been truly ecstatic about the direction in which my life is going.

A year ago, I wouldn't have believed you if you told me all this was in the works and on the way. I wouldn't have believed that the openness I was working on so decidedly would quickly lead me to a man whose love would rush in and fill the lonely places. I wouldn't have believed that I would be this ready to start a new life. I have never felt this whole- this sure about what is happening in my life. Is this what it feels like to follow God's will? Praise Him- I am at home and where I am meant to be! The ice has melted off of my heart.

Thank You Jesus for freeing me and giving me these incredible, beautiful things that I do not and could not deserve or earn. Help me to learn your wordless song and sing it in my heart every time I think of You. Thank You for having mercy on me and for loving me even when I could not and even would not love You in return. You deserve so much praise for the selfless things you have done... We've been through a lot together, haven't we?

It was so worth it.

you're my guy

I can't explain how truly incredible it is to love and be loved by such an amazing man. I am truly blessed. You spend your whole life wondering what your guy is going to look like and act like and sound like, and then one day you meet him- and it is such a surprise to find that it was no surprise that he is exactly what you need, and that you have no doubt he's the one for you.

Enough of talking in second person.

I am in love with an incredible man. He is funny and smart and sweet and attractive and warm... But none of those things really do him justice. He's just...awesome. And I can't believe he's mine. I can't believe that I snagged such a genuinely awesome guy with a genuinely warm and well-meaning and trustworthy heart. He makes me feel secure and stable and safe. I am not afraid of him, except to let him down. I want to be the best for him- the woman he has dreamed of and the wife God needs me to be for him.

I can't wait to start a new life with him. I can't wait to see him every day and hug him every day and be his friend through every step of life- through every bad day at work and through every sunny day outside. I can't wait to be his bride. I can't wait to do life with him. I can't wait to serve him and show him companionship and grace.

I feel like I have been looking for you for a very long time. I can't say enough how much I love you. I can't stress enough how blessed I feel to be marrying you in 96 days. You're my guy... I knew it all along, and you did too. I have prayed for you for so many years...prayed that you knew the Lord, prayed that you would show up in my life soon... You make me feel like myself, which sounds strange- but I have struggled with myself for a long long time. Thank you for being exactly who you are and for loving me for exactly who I am. I can't believe how fortunate I am to have you for the rest of my life. Things may not always be easy, but it will be easier because you and I are together. I love that the words "I love you" just don't seem to be enough anymore, and that you say the meaning of love grows with our understanding of it and each other. That being said, I love you, and God-willing, I will be by your side for the rest of our lives.

Love,

Katie Rose

put my eyes ahead of me

I have been sick a lot lately. It's not only flu season, but I've been battling a sinus infection for months. MONTHS. Sigh. It sure is sucking the life out of me and making it difficult for me to do a lot of the wedding stuff I would like to do. And it makes hanging out with my friends less possible, which stinks.

I have been very distracted by my physical health lately. It makes me feel very self-centered. I haven't been thinking much about other people. I haven't been praying much. I haven't been doing a lot of the things that add joy to my life. I have lost my zip and my excitement for life.

I went to church this morning though and I was briefly reminded that my life is very good, and that at one time not so long ago, it was very not good. Though I may be fighting this stupid sinus infection and feeling lousy most of the time, I am free. I am on the other side of bondage. After twenty-three years of darkness, I am finally out of the tunnel. That is reason to celebrate for literally the rest of my life. And while there is celebration, there is also the reminder that I once knew agony. It feels good to reflect now that I was not pretending my pain. The misery was real, inexhaustibly real. And now, the freedom is just as real. I could barely hope then that it would be this real- that joy could be as real as sorrow.

Put my eyes ahead of me, with only a glance behind. Put my heart about me, with just a few others within me. Pull my arms from around me, that I may grasp others warmly. Step my feet lightly, that I may not stomp anyone else down. Bring from my lips gentle words issued from a clear mind and forgiving heart, lest I burden someone else by judgment and grudges. Let my spirit offer peace and faith as the answer to my questions and worries, that I may live in the contentment and confidence provided graciously by my Father.

you know that thing?

Yup. I'm feelin the magic tonight. I'm not sure what it is- but- I feel it. That thing where you can literally feel your own creativity dancing in the room with you- that thing where you feel like you can do anything- that thing where you aren't afraid to start something new, or to start creating something new again. That thing where you lose your fear of failing- that thing where your eyes can only see possibility and brightness. :) I like that thing.

I embrace that thing. Tonight, I embrace everything. To new beginnings! To newness and growth! To forgiveness and grace and light! To being alive!

I embrace me.

Thank you Christmas. Thank you new lamp. Thank you sewing machine and thread. Thank you water. Thank you plastic on my windows. Thank you rug. Thank you light. Thank you skin. Thank you wrapping paper scraps. Thank you permanent marker.

Thank you breath. Thank you eyes. Thank you fingertips. Thank you thoughts. Thank you health. Thank you music. Thank you snow. Thank you commitment. Thank you  Mom. Thank you beginnings.

Thank you life.

Thank You. My life is glorious. Thank You.

His kind of love

"His kind of love is reckless for us. His kind of love will never give up till the whole world knows how far He came to show His kind of love. This is our God- He is strong, and His mercy is our song. He won't stop chasing us- that's just His kind of love. I could try but I could not explain."

No matter how I backslide, You are still there. You are still loving me. Your love is literally RECKLESS. You do not hold back when loving me. Help me not to hold back in loving others. Thank You SO MUCH for everything You've given me...for how You've changed my life- jumpstarted my heart so that my soul can get out and be free. You have made me new. Brand new. I am so thankful...and I love You so much. I can't believe how different things are now...how You've brought me through the darkness and the pain and into the light. All along I was safe, but I couldn't know it. You weren't gone. You were there. Every second. Loving me while I hated You. Forgive me for scorning You... I was DEAD- DYING....and now I am alive. Now, I live. I could not walk...but now I can dance. Thank You for restoring me...for waking me up... You always have a plan. And it always works perfectly.

Looking at these notes on my wall and where I wrote those down from...where my heart was at when I wrote them....how I was trying my hardest and my hardest was not enough. I could not have saved myself. I needed to trust You- to dive in faith first.... And what amazing things You have given me....how consistent You have been in loving me. Oh how You have continuously blessed me...without me deserving any of it. You have been fighting for me every second.

sharpen

I'm going through my stuff today and packing up some of it. I found some old notebooks- some academic and some other...both of which have made me incredibly sad. It's funny what time allows you to forget until you read about your personal hell in your own handwriting. My memories from that time are usually vague and generalized and difficult for me to describe. But reading those journals and letters...I remember how vivid everything was and how I saw the world.

I'm not sad that I found them though. I'm glad I wrote down my feelings. I'm glad it's documented. I'm just sad that so much of my life was wasted on inner torment and delirium. I mourn for that time when, for me, there was no sun, no hope, no joy, no love- because now I know that there is always sun, hope, joy, and love. It was always there, I just couldn't see it. I know that He never left me.

I've been working on forgiveness lately. And while it may seem strange to forgive a time in my life, I want to. I want to forgive myself for the way I handled things. I was honestly and genuinely doing my best- trying my hardest to keep my head above the water. Praise God that He had my hand in His, and guided me through the rapids. I ought to apologize to my friends too, for sticking with me. I said some horrible things and could not love them during that time. They had every reason to leave me, give up on me, disown me- but they didn't, even though I wasn't sorry.

I will keep these words. I will keep them to remind me how far down I was- to make me thankful and grateful to God for delivering me from it. I actually have a life now. I am actually LIVING my life now. I feel like I have been given a new life, a new start- a new way to be human (as Switchfoot would say). I will keep learning how to walk on these new legs and to breathe with these new lungs and see through these new eyes. But I don't want to forget what it was like to be enslaved by the thoughts I had then. I don't want to forget what it was like to suffer every moment of the day. Because time dulls the memories I have of my "previous life," I don't want to take for granted the much freer life I live now. I don't want to ever forget the pain. Now pain only sharpens my joy.

dirt

I haven't been writing as much. I miss it. I actually got up the guts to read through a story I had started working on a while ago. I had tried to continue writing it but I couldn't. Criticism is so stunting.

It's funny how much richer life seems when there is some mud and blood mixed in between the moving frames. The grit, the skinned knees...how strange that sometimes I miss that rawness.

Although I miss my depth and passion, I do not miss the irrationality and madness. What a strangely delicious hell it was back then. How everything swirled and dove and turned through me...what a horrible beauty. But now the blood on my hands (that was my own) is no longer there. Just lumpy scars and dream-like memories.

But oh, how the darkness made everything else sparkle. I miss the intensity and the way I knew myself so deeply.

Now stumbling over my ghosts and stalling at my shadows is frustrating and cold. I used to hide behind my hot blooded vision, but now I just stand there and stubbornly freeze. There is nothing inner to comfort me. Though, frankly, that is good.

Forgive me for the confusion I caused. Forgive me the mess I made.