I don't feel capable of change- real, genuine, honest change here. I only feel dominated and controlled and suppressed here. But then again, maybe I feel that way regardless of where I am, and the idea that I don't is the only thing keeping me from losing it- the only thing keeping me feeling like things CAN change, that things CAN be better, that I always have a choice.
But everything seems to come and go, to ebb and flow. And when the tide comes in I want to go out, but when the water slides back into the sea, I want to stand in the sand and whisper over my shoulder to the wind. Instead I sit on the shore, drowning at high tide and thirsty at low tide, sighing my discontent with sunburned shoulders and scavenging seabirds.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
it's been a long week
Hello weekend!! I never thought I'd see YOU again! It's been a long week, kids. With another long and possibly crazier week on the docket. I'm currently trying to form a general consensus on the new Anberlin CD, Dark is the Way Light is a Place. Bekah sent me a package and I got ring pops! The best thing about ring pops is that you can blog without having to put your delicious sucker down! Mmm. My mom's staring at me from the armchair, haha. She only WISHES she had a ring pop.
Anywho. The problem with working all day all week is that I can't get to the post office to send off birthday packages to my FOUR FRIENDS who all have birthdays this week. I may actually have to get up early and send them off before work tomorrow. Sigh. Only one more week and then it's October and my work schedule becomes much more manageable. Can't wait to have free time during the week!
It's weird not being in school. But not weird at the same time. Despite my ambivalence, I've been pondering school again. Should I go back? Where? For what? Should I finish my degree at SCSU or get a Bible degree at Oak Hills? Should I finish my degree at St. Scholastica and minor in photography? Should I major in photography online somewhere or go to Minneapolis? Or should I move to Colorado with Aimee in the spring and work at NavPress? Or should I save every cent I earn and do CTI in the summer or for a year? Or should I stay here, keep working at the pharmacy, keep trying to have my own life? Life should come with a manual.
I guess I left school because it became too much for me and ultimately I wasn't there for the academics. When people ask why I left I feel like I should be telling them that I'm taking a break to figure things out. But to be honest, I haven't figured much out yet. If anything, I deal with the same pattern of self-destruction here just as much as I did at school. I think God "took" school from me because it was something I hid behind- it was something that I used as an excuse to not make big decisions. I wanted to rest in the security of knowing I would be there and my friends would be too. Not being in school does make certain things more apparent to me, but my manner of dealing with things hasn't changed.
I was in church this morning. An unredeemed sinner, sitting there anonymously- unwilling to engage with the people around me. I know I am a sickness to myself. I know I purposely sit in my sin, in my anger and immaturity. I know that every bit of me expects God to do all the work. I know that if I change my family will think I'm crazy- if I let God radically change my life like He's supposed to and wants to, that my parents won't support me in it. They try to be patient with me. But part of me feels like they're waiting for me to come around and just settle with the kind of life they have- the safe kind of no-risks life that also reaps no rewards. Part of me would love to move to Colorado, to live my own life and let God become the kind of thing in my life that changes others when they meet me. I've always felt like God set me apart to do or be something important, something big, something great- and I'm wondering now if that has nothing whatsoever to do with my physical life. Not that I would become great or successful in my parents' eyes, but that I would become a successful, healthy person who doesn't just believe in Jesus, but who relentlessly loves- really, truly loves- Jesus. Isn't that the first commandment? Isn't that what He seems to be most concerned about?
The problem is, I'm much more comfortable with a contract-like business relationship. "Tell me what to do, and I'll do it" kind of thing- a "take notes and pass tests" kind of thing. But I think He's much less concerned with any of that when He knows that we do it out of duty and not love. If my heart is not engaged, my actions don't really mean anything. However, I am an all-or-nothing kind of person, an extremist. I don't like middleground- it's too complicated and hard to catch. And I think that lately I've landed on the side of nothing, and I prefer to take time for granted. I don't know what it will take to change. Right now I feel too much pressure to do everything and nothing. I don't know how to just live, you know?
Anywho. The problem with working all day all week is that I can't get to the post office to send off birthday packages to my FOUR FRIENDS who all have birthdays this week. I may actually have to get up early and send them off before work tomorrow. Sigh. Only one more week and then it's October and my work schedule becomes much more manageable. Can't wait to have free time during the week!
It's weird not being in school. But not weird at the same time. Despite my ambivalence, I've been pondering school again. Should I go back? Where? For what? Should I finish my degree at SCSU or get a Bible degree at Oak Hills? Should I finish my degree at St. Scholastica and minor in photography? Should I major in photography online somewhere or go to Minneapolis? Or should I move to Colorado with Aimee in the spring and work at NavPress? Or should I save every cent I earn and do CTI in the summer or for a year? Or should I stay here, keep working at the pharmacy, keep trying to have my own life? Life should come with a manual.
I guess I left school because it became too much for me and ultimately I wasn't there for the academics. When people ask why I left I feel like I should be telling them that I'm taking a break to figure things out. But to be honest, I haven't figured much out yet. If anything, I deal with the same pattern of self-destruction here just as much as I did at school. I think God "took" school from me because it was something I hid behind- it was something that I used as an excuse to not make big decisions. I wanted to rest in the security of knowing I would be there and my friends would be too. Not being in school does make certain things more apparent to me, but my manner of dealing with things hasn't changed.
I was in church this morning. An unredeemed sinner, sitting there anonymously- unwilling to engage with the people around me. I know I am a sickness to myself. I know I purposely sit in my sin, in my anger and immaturity. I know that every bit of me expects God to do all the work. I know that if I change my family will think I'm crazy- if I let God radically change my life like He's supposed to and wants to, that my parents won't support me in it. They try to be patient with me. But part of me feels like they're waiting for me to come around and just settle with the kind of life they have- the safe kind of no-risks life that also reaps no rewards. Part of me would love to move to Colorado, to live my own life and let God become the kind of thing in my life that changes others when they meet me. I've always felt like God set me apart to do or be something important, something big, something great- and I'm wondering now if that has nothing whatsoever to do with my physical life. Not that I would become great or successful in my parents' eyes, but that I would become a successful, healthy person who doesn't just believe in Jesus, but who relentlessly loves- really, truly loves- Jesus. Isn't that the first commandment? Isn't that what He seems to be most concerned about?
The problem is, I'm much more comfortable with a contract-like business relationship. "Tell me what to do, and I'll do it" kind of thing- a "take notes and pass tests" kind of thing. But I think He's much less concerned with any of that when He knows that we do it out of duty and not love. If my heart is not engaged, my actions don't really mean anything. However, I am an all-or-nothing kind of person, an extremist. I don't like middleground- it's too complicated and hard to catch. And I think that lately I've landed on the side of nothing, and I prefer to take time for granted. I don't know what it will take to change. Right now I feel too much pressure to do everything and nothing. I don't know how to just live, you know?
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Dear Portland
I was really hoping to see you today. I have this deep feeling that we would be very good friends. I had a lot of hope that seeing you would put things in perspective for me, that meeting you would somehow bring me clarity and sanity. I wanted to feel the golden warmth of your smile and dance in your cloudy tears. I wish I could be with you. But you've been in my thoughts today- your color and atmosphere whirling new ideas and new creativity in me. Thank you for that. Even across the country, you have a hand in my life here. I don't know why I believe that experiencing you would change me, why I feel like seeing the color of your grass for a while would make me appreciate the color of my grass here upon returning. I would have gotten on a plane for you. Maybe I will someday.
Until I see you, here's to tonight.
Katie
Until I see you, here's to tonight.
Katie
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
suicide prevention week
So, it's suicide prevention week. For the record, I'm really mad at Suicide. He takes too many lives- one life every 40 seconds. In the last year, I can think of at least six people who have either attempted or committed suicide- two of which include my cousin and my friend. I remember the night I talked to my cousin over facebook chat. He said he was coming up to St. Cloud that weekend to say goodbye to all of the cousins, and he said he really wanted to see me one last time before he killed himself. I can honestly say that I have never had a scarier conversation in my life. I mentioned it to my counselor the next day and she told me that if someone who wants to commit suicide tells people about it, it's because they don't really want to go through with it. We got my cousin help and he is still alive and doing better.
I'm having a hard time talking about this. It's always easier to just give sterile facts or explanations. I think that's why people sometimes feel like suicide is the only way out. They're tired of fighting, tired of coping, tired of being the friend who needs help all the time, tired of trying to explain, and they think it would be easier if they just got out. I feel so much for these people because I have been in that cage. I've experienced that kind of darkness and I still am fighting it. It's so difficult to believe that things can get better when you're in a place of complete hopelessness.
For me, feeling understood is helpful. Being understood is the most comforting thing to me, and that's what I try to do for people in my life who are struggling. Helping my friend and my cousin has influenced me a lot and gives me hope that suicide really is preventable. I'm passionate about hurting people because I'm hurting too, and I think that we all need to stick together and help each other through the dark times. If I hadn't seen the extent that people will go to stop the pain, I wouldn't have discovered the firm ground that hope can be. Help isn't easy, but I think that when you come clean with the intention of getting help, the people in your life will come out of the woodwork to do whatever they can for you. People have always been scary to me, but I find that they can be the most compassionate when I least expect it.
If you're reading this- yes, you- I need you to remember this:
Life is valuable. Hope is real. Darkness yields to the light. Always.
If you can't believe that right now, that's okay. But trust me- it will get better. Being that I've struggled myself, I wouldn't lie to you. And I'm not. Get help.
I'm having a hard time talking about this. It's always easier to just give sterile facts or explanations. I think that's why people sometimes feel like suicide is the only way out. They're tired of fighting, tired of coping, tired of being the friend who needs help all the time, tired of trying to explain, and they think it would be easier if they just got out. I feel so much for these people because I have been in that cage. I've experienced that kind of darkness and I still am fighting it. It's so difficult to believe that things can get better when you're in a place of complete hopelessness.
For me, feeling understood is helpful. Being understood is the most comforting thing to me, and that's what I try to do for people in my life who are struggling. Helping my friend and my cousin has influenced me a lot and gives me hope that suicide really is preventable. I'm passionate about hurting people because I'm hurting too, and I think that we all need to stick together and help each other through the dark times. If I hadn't seen the extent that people will go to stop the pain, I wouldn't have discovered the firm ground that hope can be. Help isn't easy, but I think that when you come clean with the intention of getting help, the people in your life will come out of the woodwork to do whatever they can for you. People have always been scary to me, but I find that they can be the most compassionate when I least expect it.
If you're reading this- yes, you- I need you to remember this:
Life is valuable. Hope is real. Darkness yields to the light. Always.
If you can't believe that right now, that's okay. But trust me- it will get better. Being that I've struggled myself, I wouldn't lie to you. And I'm not. Get help.
Friday, September 3, 2010
i'm a little surprised it's friday
This morning I was actually crazy enough to get up and shower before work- that never happens, and I certainly surprised myself. And when I was at work, I only almost broke down into tears ONCE! It was a pretty good day. And now that I have a brand new tire on my cruiser, I can actually go places and do things. Yesss! I'm watching tennis tonight. I'm currently watching the Nadal/Istomin match. I can't decide who I'm rooting for. Nadal always wins and is obviously good, so naturally...I would root for the underdog. Also, said underdog reminds me of Michael who is in China for the next six months.
Anywho, pretty content to be home not doing much tonight. I just felt like blogging to let the cybernet world know the last couple days have been a little better. Work hasn't been quite as rough on me I think, and I'm realizing just how substantial an effect work has on me. To work somewhere for two months without feeling successful in it is brutal. I'd like to have a job I'm good at. I'd be much happier, I think.
Nevertheless, the time's coming when I have to be social again. And I'm scared. I want to make new friends and I want to have more to my life than just a sucky job, but honestly- making new friends is so much more scary than working a job I think I might get fired from eventually. At least after work I can just go home. But people? A much trickier situation. I don't know if I'm ready to jump back into friendship again. It's always easier to resist change.
My grandma is dying. I don't know why, but I've always thought that people who get really upset over a grandparent dying are kind of...wussy. And I think for me, it's less that SHE's dying and more that she's DYING. You know? It's mostly that she KNOWS she's dying...and can do nothing about it at this point. I feel bad because she still wants to fight- her spirit still wants to fight to stay alive but her body isn't strong enough; her body is too old now to endure chemo or surgery. I'm sad that her days are tangibly numbered. I mourn the fact that she has to know that each day that passes brings her one day closer to leaving for good.
The way my mom has described her lately though makes me more positive about death. My grandma has been giving away her things and making her plans, you know, and to me it almost seems like she's- well, just LEAVING. She's giving away her things to people she cares about because she can't take them with her- as if she's going somewhere else and isn't coming back. But where she's going has this sense of "vacation" sort of rest attached to it- with the additional hope of seeing her loved ones on the other side, who have been waiting to see her since they left us all years earlier. When death becomes more like vacation it isn't so scary I think.
I've always been terrified of death. Terrified. Mostly because I cannot understand it. God and death- the two most powerful forces on earth are the two things I cannot wrap my mind around. Death continues to confound me the closer it comes to my family, but I'm finding that with each relative that passes, cemeteries become more friendly to me, and heaven seems even more inviting and possible to know that there are precious people like my grandparents hanging out up there.
So anyway, there's that. I typically don't talk about when my grandparents stop doing well, so here's my attempt at speaking out in spite of myself and my dang introvertedness. Excuse me now, I must get back to my tennis game. ;)
Anywho, pretty content to be home not doing much tonight. I just felt like blogging to let the cybernet world know the last couple days have been a little better. Work hasn't been quite as rough on me I think, and I'm realizing just how substantial an effect work has on me. To work somewhere for two months without feeling successful in it is brutal. I'd like to have a job I'm good at. I'd be much happier, I think.
Nevertheless, the time's coming when I have to be social again. And I'm scared. I want to make new friends and I want to have more to my life than just a sucky job, but honestly- making new friends is so much more scary than working a job I think I might get fired from eventually. At least after work I can just go home. But people? A much trickier situation. I don't know if I'm ready to jump back into friendship again. It's always easier to resist change.
My grandma is dying. I don't know why, but I've always thought that people who get really upset over a grandparent dying are kind of...wussy. And I think for me, it's less that SHE's dying and more that she's DYING. You know? It's mostly that she KNOWS she's dying...and can do nothing about it at this point. I feel bad because she still wants to fight- her spirit still wants to fight to stay alive but her body isn't strong enough; her body is too old now to endure chemo or surgery. I'm sad that her days are tangibly numbered. I mourn the fact that she has to know that each day that passes brings her one day closer to leaving for good.
The way my mom has described her lately though makes me more positive about death. My grandma has been giving away her things and making her plans, you know, and to me it almost seems like she's- well, just LEAVING. She's giving away her things to people she cares about because she can't take them with her- as if she's going somewhere else and isn't coming back. But where she's going has this sense of "vacation" sort of rest attached to it- with the additional hope of seeing her loved ones on the other side, who have been waiting to see her since they left us all years earlier. When death becomes more like vacation it isn't so scary I think.
I've always been terrified of death. Terrified. Mostly because I cannot understand it. God and death- the two most powerful forces on earth are the two things I cannot wrap my mind around. Death continues to confound me the closer it comes to my family, but I'm finding that with each relative that passes, cemeteries become more friendly to me, and heaven seems even more inviting and possible to know that there are precious people like my grandparents hanging out up there.
So anyway, there's that. I typically don't talk about when my grandparents stop doing well, so here's my attempt at speaking out in spite of myself and my dang introvertedness. Excuse me now, I must get back to my tennis game. ;)
Monday, August 30, 2010
very tired indeed.
I haven't been writing much and I need to get back into the habit of it. I think I stopped because I have nothing to write about except for complaints, and well- even complainers get tired of complaining.
I have so been in the mood to travel lately. I think it's because I'm used to not being in St. Cloud at this time of year. As August rolls over into September I keep feeling like I need to go somewhere because I've very much liked leaving home after three months of summer. The fact remains, I want to road trip so bad. Maybe once I get a new tire I'll be able to go places and do things. I'm a little annoyed that my left rear tire finally blew yesterday, but I'm glad that it means I can get a new one- which means I can finally get out of St. Cloud- which means I really AM visiting Morris on the 15th :D I'm excited.
That's probably enough for now. I have to get up early tomorrow for work and I'm so tired already because I didn't sleep well last night. I need to take a great many pictures tomorrow- I am so behind and I HAVE to get caught up before September starts. Oh motivation, where have you evaporated to??
Goodnight, blogger world.
I have so been in the mood to travel lately. I think it's because I'm used to not being in St. Cloud at this time of year. As August rolls over into September I keep feeling like I need to go somewhere because I've very much liked leaving home after three months of summer. The fact remains, I want to road trip so bad. Maybe once I get a new tire I'll be able to go places and do things. I'm a little annoyed that my left rear tire finally blew yesterday, but I'm glad that it means I can get a new one- which means I can finally get out of St. Cloud- which means I really AM visiting Morris on the 15th :D I'm excited.
That's probably enough for now. I have to get up early tomorrow for work and I'm so tired already because I didn't sleep well last night. I need to take a great many pictures tomorrow- I am so behind and I HAVE to get caught up before September starts. Oh motivation, where have you evaporated to??
Goodnight, blogger world.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
walk with Me
I don't know why it's a foreign thing- why it seems new to me to picture Jesus looking at me and saying "walk with Me..." I think I have lived my christian life as if I expected God to walk with ME- as if He didn't before.
"I run for dear life to God, I'll never regret it." -psalm 70:1
I want a deep lasting love...the kind Bruchko and the Motilones talked about...the kind Classic Crime are floating around in this song. I feel like there's so much missing in my life and me and my family keep trying to find something, keep searching for something we don't know. Why do I search for something I have? Do I really have it if I'm running around frantically trying to find it somewhere else- anywhere else?
There is a need for the real thing. The real You I keep hiding from and running around. For some reason I feel like I can't bear You- I can't handle You and I'm scared to let You really change my life and me. I'm afraid to let go of me. I'm afraid to be totally Yours. I'm afraid to change. I'm afraid to have all of You. Maybe it's a control thing. I need help finding You again, or finding You for the first real time. I'm realizing that my relationship with You never seems to stick- if I'm happy I love You and if I'm angry I hate You. If things go right I love You and love me, but if things go wrong I hate You and try to destroy me.
But all You want is to love me. All You want is me. Completely me. You want me to walk with You. You stand there, pleadingly, "walk with Me..." You can give me the kind of life I can't imagine living- the kind that matters, the kind I genuinely want to live. I can't stand this half-hearted relationship with You, and You can't either. I think we both want all or nothing. I feel like I have no love for You. I feel like if I really really loved You, I would want to spend time with You- I would crave that need everyday. I mean, let's look at my daydreams and how I imagine it would be to be in love- why do I feel like it shouldn't be like that with You? Have I ever taken You that seriously? I love me more than I have ever loved You. I want things to go my way. I want things selfishly from You and get so confused when You delay in giving them to me. My life isn't about You at all. It's only about me.
My life sucks and has been sucking because I choose myself repeatedly over You. When things go badly, when I suffer, I curse You instead of clinging to You for dear life, thinking it'll make me feel better but it never does. It hasn't worked. I don't want to waste another three years of my life hating You and being angry at everything You do or don't do. I think it's time I just start doing what You tell me to.
It isn't weak to change. It isn't weak even to be wrong. Humility isn't weakness. Why would it be weak to grow?
I keep skirting around the edge of us because I'm afraid. Relationships scare me- including this one. Being vulnerable is something pretty unfathomable to me in this time of life. And the choices I've been making have really been getting in the way of us too. I'm sure that's half the problem. I've been grieving You, Holy Spirit. I don't remember You anymore, after all this distance and fighting. I need to know You. Really know You.
"I run for dear life to God, I'll never regret it." -psalm 70:1
I want a deep lasting love...the kind Bruchko and the Motilones talked about...the kind Classic Crime are floating around in this song. I feel like there's so much missing in my life and me and my family keep trying to find something, keep searching for something we don't know. Why do I search for something I have? Do I really have it if I'm running around frantically trying to find it somewhere else- anywhere else?
There is a need for the real thing. The real You I keep hiding from and running around. For some reason I feel like I can't bear You- I can't handle You and I'm scared to let You really change my life and me. I'm afraid to let go of me. I'm afraid to be totally Yours. I'm afraid to change. I'm afraid to have all of You. Maybe it's a control thing. I need help finding You again, or finding You for the first real time. I'm realizing that my relationship with You never seems to stick- if I'm happy I love You and if I'm angry I hate You. If things go right I love You and love me, but if things go wrong I hate You and try to destroy me.
But all You want is to love me. All You want is me. Completely me. You want me to walk with You. You stand there, pleadingly, "walk with Me..." You can give me the kind of life I can't imagine living- the kind that matters, the kind I genuinely want to live. I can't stand this half-hearted relationship with You, and You can't either. I think we both want all or nothing. I feel like I have no love for You. I feel like if I really really loved You, I would want to spend time with You- I would crave that need everyday. I mean, let's look at my daydreams and how I imagine it would be to be in love- why do I feel like it shouldn't be like that with You? Have I ever taken You that seriously? I love me more than I have ever loved You. I want things to go my way. I want things selfishly from You and get so confused when You delay in giving them to me. My life isn't about You at all. It's only about me.
My life sucks and has been sucking because I choose myself repeatedly over You. When things go badly, when I suffer, I curse You instead of clinging to You for dear life, thinking it'll make me feel better but it never does. It hasn't worked. I don't want to waste another three years of my life hating You and being angry at everything You do or don't do. I think it's time I just start doing what You tell me to.
It isn't weak to change. It isn't weak even to be wrong. Humility isn't weakness. Why would it be weak to grow?
I keep skirting around the edge of us because I'm afraid. Relationships scare me- including this one. Being vulnerable is something pretty unfathomable to me in this time of life. And the choices I've been making have really been getting in the way of us too. I'm sure that's half the problem. I've been grieving You, Holy Spirit. I don't remember You anymore, after all this distance and fighting. I need to know You. Really know You.
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