baby steps and a leap of faith

It's been a while since I've written. I needed a break I think- I needed time to feel like it was passing again. I've been waiting for the negativity to subside and for me to start looking for God in my life again, instead of looking for the imperfections in myself and finding them.

But lately I've been starting to feel like maybe there is something good coming for me- just around the corner, out of sight. I believe that things are going to get better, and soon. Maybe the timing is finally right, and by some miracle I can relearn how to be open to change- good change.

I've been more grateful lately. Even of my job. At least once a day while I'm working I stop and look around, and just let the realization come upon me that this is a good job, and I am lucky to have it. My job is a blessing. A gift. I mean, I didn't even have to apply for it.

I've been praying. I've been reading some of the Bible again. Not on a scheduled kind of basis, but in a purposeful way- because I want to and not just because I know I should. I think that maybe deep down the questions and the doubt are still there, but maybe if I keep reading, keep praying, keep trying to seek...the doubt will go away, and my questions will be answered.

I've been playing guitar. And baking. And reading for fun. I don't know why I waste my time not doing the things that make me happy. I've been thinking about the future a lot too I guess, wondering what's ahead and feeling a longing for it. People can change your life, and deciding to actually get involved in the church I've attended for the last year pretty much guarantees that I will meet new people and actually have friends that live in the same town as me. And even though I know that's good, I'm still a little scared. But, I can do things that scare me. I can do things I don't think I am strong enough to do. Jesus will help me bridge the gap between my heart and everything else. A bit of a leap of faith, it is.

The only way to find out if someone is trustworthy is to trust them. You know?

unsure and a hundred

The how I can't recall
But I'm staring at
What once was the wall
That separated east and west
Now they meet admidst
The broad daylight

So this is where you are
And this is where I am
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

It's hard I must confess
I'm banking on the rest to clear away
Cause we have spoken everything
Everything short of I love you

You right where you are
From right where I am
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

And who's to say it's wrong
And who's to say that it's not right
Where we should be for now

So this is where you are
And this is where I am
So this is where you are
And this is where I've been
Somewhere between
Unsure and a hundred

Hundred by The Fray

time, reality, and myself.

Lately I've been feeling pressed for time. By that I don't mean I'm busy or there aren't enough hours in the day. It's not like that. I sit here, twenty minutes before I need to go to bed, and find this intrinsic wish that I could have more time to be awake- more time to think and to try and do things or at least think about the things I enjoy. It's the feeling that I am near the end of my life and there is a limited amount of time left- the kind of limit that you feel in a deep place.

In all honesty, I've been thinking about time a lot lately- both the waste of it and the amount of it we have. I've been thinking about what's outside of us, beyond us, what comes after this. It's just been on my mind. I don't feel an urgency, exactly, but just the reality that there is a certain amount of time that I am given- and I am feeling the restriction. I'm realizing that I will never feel like there is enough time to do or become what I want. It will always feel like this- like there will never be enough present time to breathe.

I feel it pressing in on me like dense humidity- covering me and packing me in tighter with its pressure, and quite honestly- making me uncomfortable and sweaty.

And on a semi-related note: I am unfulfilled. Becoming more unfulfilled with each day, I think. Increasingly dissatisfied by me and life, and time as I said before. The deeper I sink the less time I feel there is left. And I'm frustrated that I go back and forth. That at the end of the day I don't really know exactly what I believe. But I think the fact that it bothers me so much must mean that it matters- that it is important.

And most days, I feel like a hypocrite; I feel like a hollow tree with rings of knowledge and sturdy fact-bark on the outside, but with a gaping hole in the middle where it's supposed to matter and mean something and become real. And I'm afraid the storm will take me out and blow me down and uproot me from the ground before I ever find the reality.

I feel guilty for doubting. I feel like I have cheated on someone beloved- betrayed a faithful friend. I feel self-forsaken. I feel self-condemned. I feel mostly alone. Mostly confused. Mostly lost. Mostly pained. I feel like I have wasted much of the time I've been given. I've wasted my time going in circles around the things I can't reconcile, the things I deem unfixable. I feel like a child who believes the only way to get attention is to act out negatively. I feel incapable of handling and having the things I truly want. I feel like a whore most days, and the other days I just feel...sick.

restless

I haven't quite felt like myself this week. It's been strange. I feel as though my inner narrator is dead or sleeping, as if I have been living without inner subtitles. Very little conscious introspection, like there normally is. Even as I'm sitting here typing this, I'm having a hard time coming up with something important to say...which is kind of not like me.

I guess, I haven't been sleeping the best. I keep dreaming about my mistakes and now I'm even seeing them in real life. It's so difficult to look back in regret but at the same time know you did the right thing. I don't know why it's been bugging me so much lately, but it really has.

I've been searching for and in need of rest. This week I've sort of just been bathing in my own distractions. Sometimes that's easier than confronting the problem I don't want to think about or don't know how to fix. But the truth is, the distractions are getting old. And I'm just becoming more and more restless.

try again

My boss' dog had puppies about three weeks ago, and today at work he was talking about them. They recently have opened their eyes for the first time, and can now bark (even though it causes them to topple over with puppy excitement every time they do. can you imagine? possibly the cutest thing i have ever heard). And I guess today it sort of has me thinking about being new. Those puppies are literally brand new. They are born without the ability to open their eyes yet! Imagine living in total darkness and then one day- BAM! There's a world with people and colors and movement! How incredible.

I probably don't need to tell you that yesterday was not one of my better days. I don't need to tell you because I told you yesterday! But this morning when I woke up, things were a little better. Even though I had to work, and worked an extra hour without a break. And as I got in the shower a bit ago, I thought to myself, "try again." Yesterday's failures and doubts are not necessarily today's. I struck out yesterday, but I can always try again today. I realize that there is literally an hour and a half left of today, but that's okay. In reality, today is the perpetual, constant now. Today is whenever I am awake, conscious, breathing. It's a good thing to realize that I can try again as long as it is "today."

So. Though it is close to my bedtime, I am going to clean my room and throw some things out, and then I will take a stab at reading the Bible, and then I will pray, and then I will sleep. And in the morning I will try again and again and just keep on trying. I will attempt to pick me up again and keep on trying.

good will hunting

Has anybody seen Good Will Hunting? He's this genius of a guy- the most difficult equations and theories are so easy for him, and all of it is literally a gift- he's this insanely intelligent prodigy who could do the world so much good. But he's rude, coarse, stabbing, blunt, and just all around difficult. He grew up with a physically and emotionally abusive father and then was taken away by social services and was in and out of foster homes for the rest of his teenaged life. He doesn't want the responsibility- he never asked for the gift he has been given. He doesn't want to become an intellectual who changes the world with his mind. He just wants to stay in Boston and work construction and janitorial jobs. He rejects this unique thing that makes him who he is because he didn't ask for it, and because everyone expects him to want to do great things with it. He rejects it because his family treated him like he didn't matter. His father made him believe that he wasn't worth anything, despite his brilliance.

I haven't done a lot of open-minded or positive thinking today. Days like today, I feel a lot like Will Hunting. Unappreciative of what I have been given and who I am- the person I just naturally AM and how that was not my "choice." How I was born into a family and lifestyle that I did not choose. How I was born into a body that I did not choose. I, like Will, can do a lot of good in the world- the kind of good that no one else in the world can, because they are not me. But I am content to eat the grass I walk on instead of lifting my head and walking forward. I prefer to rebel because I did not "choose" me- because I see the gift of who I am as more of a curse. I can't step forward because I have been hurt and held back by the people in my life, and by me. I am something great and unique, but I do whatever I can to reject it.

It's been that kind of a day. One of those self-destructing days.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

honestly

I saw my best friend today. What a blessing. She's good at drawing the true things out of me. She gave me this journal for my birthday last year, and it's one of those old dusty books you get from antique stores, but she covered some of the pages in colorful paper and included random quotes and verses. And the book she chose to use for this thoughtful little project is titled "A King's Daughter." It's a play, and I've tried to read it, but most of it is covered- honestly, it's the coolest thing ever. I love it. And the more I think about it, the more I feel like it's a perfect analogy of what my relationship with God ought to be: a book with structure and words from Him, for me, but with pages that I need to fill in with my own thoughts to Him, from me.

Honestly though, I'm really no good at it. No good at all. Relationships...are just scary for me, and if I'm being completely honest, I spend more time questioning and trying to figure out if I believe Him than I spend actually believing Him. For some, like my best friend, it isn't difficult to believe Jesus. For others, like me, it is. And today I realized that maybe I need to do whatever I can to just...start over, and accept whatever place I'm at with God instead of aiming for this goal or this standard that I keep trying and trying and trying to attain WITHOUT Him because I'm just not there yet.

So. *Ahem.* Lets make a list. Cause I like lists.

THINGS KATIE NEEDS TO ACCEPT:
1. I am a King's daughter.
2. I do not believe in Jesus like my best friends do. I am not them. I am not supposed to be.
3. My life is MY life. It's up to me, and only me, to make of it what I can and stop just letting it happen to me without a fight.
4. I am an introvert. AND THAT IS OKAY.
5. The only power I have is in what decisions I make each day, each moment. Things are not out of control when I come at my problems one at a time, as they arrive, with Jesus as my adviser.
6. I can be paradoxical and messy, but I have value. And one day, the right man will discover it. There will come a day. There will.
7. The Holy Spirit is One who falls beside, and He has and does and will fall beside me with wordless groaning prayers. Jesus will intercede for and love me like I could never deserve. And the Father will smile at me and call me by name. This cannot be un-given.
8. It will be difficult. It just will.
9. I cannot be the perfect anything. I cannot be the perfect person, lover, daughter, friend, wife, mother, Christian, guitar-player, writer, woman.
10. Every day is the chance to be new again. Be new again.


Since leaving college a year ago, I demanded that God give me some sort of plan. I felt like I needed one- I like knowing what I'm doing and why. It didn't take me long to realize that though God has a plan, the current plan was to just not have one. I now know what it's like to go a year without having any sort of end goal in mind. I'd still like one, mind you, but I've come to terms with the fact that I will most likely never know what I'm doing! So, I'd like to officially move on from that state of mind and into a more personal, more important FACT- that I am a King's daughter.

I need to make a lot of changes. I need to stop making excuses and justifying myself for not doing what I need to be doing. Those things include: accepting the above ten things, actively participating in a Bible study, intentionally making new friends, patiently treating my family with respect, working as though it were for the Lord, and building my relationship with God from the ground up- not from where I've left off or been before. It's been a year since I moved home, and very little progress has been made. It's time I take control of my life, and ultimately of myself, so that my life will stop being about me and start being about others. I need to stop pretending I am who I wish I was. Because what healing can come of that?