i should be in bed. but i'm not.

I just cleaned my room. I love late night cleaning. That sounds dorky, but I do. A clean room generally makes me feel better.

It's been a rocky few days for me. Turns out this Jesus thing is kind of a difficult thing to do. Turns out it's a LOT easier to do Jesus by the book, or by the "rules" than it is to feel a desperate need for Jesus that nothing else, literally NOTHING else, can provide. Recognizing this constant need is revolutionizing me, and it hurts. It's a difficult thing for me to have relationships with people at all, and that includes God.

It's a horribly beautiful thing to need Jesus like this- I genuinely feel and see and understand and know this desperate need for someone to save me from the horrible things I am capable of, from the tremendous devastation that dwells in my soul at all times. It isn't enough to feel that need though. Now I don't exactly know what to do with it.

What a good thing though. To know the depth of my sin will never be deeper than Love.

I think the lesson I need to learn is that God's love is not up for discussion. I will do terrible things and think terrible thoughts, but He will love me no less because of them. He can only love. He is capable of forgiving and forgetting. I will choose myself again and again but He will always choose me. What great love He has for us, friends. I have so much to learn about Him.

betrayal in is my blood

I've been doing a lot of what people like to call "soul searching" lately. And honestly, I don't know that I like what I've been finding. Though I am capable of good, I am perpetually committing sin. Though I am redeemed, I am also sinner. I've been wrestling with this a lot lately. That while I'm forgiven and clean, I am yet a human being under the weight of original sin. And while I can strive to do and be better, to crack down on my own depravity, I am unable to do so for long. I am not strong enough to save me from myself. Try as I might, at the end of the day, I need Jesus- I need God to do for me what I cannot- I need for Him to be someone I cannot be.

I didn't live in Jesus' time. I wasn't alive when He walked around with the disciples healing people. That was long before I ever came into existence. I never got to meet Him like a few did then. He died for me before I existed. He loved me before I existed. He forgave me before I existed. Crazy stuff.

And I've been thinking just about life in general. How life can seem so cruel if you break it down. For some it goes something like this: you're born into a family who you have no control over, you're raised believing you can be anything you want to be, you grow up and realize you can't be anything you want to be, you find a job that is less than enjoyable, you marry someone who cannot complete you, raise a family with more difficulty than you expected, and eventually die. There hardly seems like a point to any of that. I can't understand how things got this way- how God ordained our lives to be the meaningless things they are.

I can't understand why God chose to continue with us after the fall. Knowing how capable our hands are to perpetuate evil and ill-intent in the world, He finds a way to get us back. He finds a way to conquer the consequence of our depravity. Despite His existence in my life, I succumb to temptation and choose myself over Him. Despite the fallen nature of my soul, He has claimed it as His own.

I marvel.

reign in us

Things lately have been looking up! Yeah! I started doing one of those read-the-Bible-in-a-year things and I think that even though I've read the whole Bible before, just reading it is doing my soul a lot of good. I can't remember the last time I felt peace, even just a little peace, and now I'm finding it.

However, I've tried to read the Bible several times throughout my recent struggles, and it hasn't really done me much good. So I think the reason it's doing me good now is because I had a "rock bottom" moment last Sunday. I tried to write about it- about how it felt and what happened, but I had a difficult time doing that then. Now, however, I'm feeling up for the challenge.

I've never felt anything like that before- I was in the shower before Bible study, and I felt this....sort of pain, both physically and non-physically, come over me, and I started to just cry- I have never wept like that- I couldn't cry hard enough, it was the craziest thing... And as I wept, it was like my soul opened up and I saw what it really looked like- what was really down in there, and it was all just pain and hurt and turmoil and torture- this great culmination of every struggle I've faced and not overcome- I saw and felt and comprehended my flawed, bleeding, troubled, lost soul. And I felt my soul groan out without words, without my overly analytical mind in the way thinking always thinking- it was just ME- only me, crying out.

I don't know if any of you have had a similar experience...but even though it was a moment of unspeakable sorrow, it was also a harbinger of peace. To see the true condition of my soul and feel THAT for just a moment or two also felt so good to me. I believe that was the single most genuine moment of my life- my only moment of unhindered, uninterrupted reality.

Being allowed to see and feel and experience that essential part of me, however scarred and damaged, was a privilege to me and what, I believe, has enabled me to grasp at things I have never been able to grasp before. I've been learning about the soul, and about what it means to be a soul created by God, for God- a soul that has a home, not in my body, but with Jesus. I've been learning that God is not as concerned with my behavior as He is with the state of my soul, of my heart.

I'm learning that God is not who I thought He was. And I'm so glad that He is not the angry, unfair, power-tripping god I've been searching for and blaming these last three years. I am so glad that I did not find that god, but am in the process now of finding THE God. MY God.

"Oh Great and Mighty One, with one desire we come- that You would reign, that You would reign in us. We're offering up our lives; a living sacrifice- that You would reign, that You would reign in us." -Starfield

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it. What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?" -Matthew 16:24-26

a man named Sunrise

So I was watching Oprah today and she took some viewers with her to Australia- and man, what a beautiful place. There's this rock named Uluru- and it's beautiful. I, naturally, jumped on wikipedia and looked it up, and then somehow (I don't remember how) began to research photography. I'm inspired. :)

Also, last night I dreamt that I fell in love with a man named Sunrise. We were in some new city- one that I've never been to in real life- riding a bike down this road, with the orange and yellow brick buildings reaching upward with their shiny windows toward the sky. The road was a little wet and probably smelled like home. I met Sunrise because he was biking too, just ahead of me, and he had to repeat his name a number of times until I understood what he was actually saying. He was cute and kind of swarthy, with dark eyes and with a little scruff on his face and indie style clothing- scarf and beanie and whatnot. And then we became friends and as he was introduced into my life and to my current boyfriend (some jerk who didn't have a name), Sunrise pleaded for me to wake up and realize what I was doing with my life- what I was letting happen to me as opposed to what I have longed to do and be. He took me by the arms, told me he loved me, and I woke up.

Kind of crazy right? I thought I ought to write some sort of story or poem or song about it or something. I almost dreamt it like it was a story, you know? With a plot and a point and with an important choice to be made. But of course, I can't deny the overtones of my true, real life ringing through that dream. I've been trying to decide whether to move to Colorado Springs in April or not, and I've come to realize just how big of a risk I would be taking by making this move. But I'm afraid that if I don't go, if I stay here, I'll continue to just let life happen to me instead of choosing what life I want to live. Does that make sense? I feel like I'll only smolder here, while I could burn brightly in Colorado.

Anyway. Sunrise is a catch! Maybe I'll get to meet him one day. Haha, sometimes I say silly things.

a song for the new year

This song encompasses what I hope for in the year of 2011. That even though I am frightened and confused, I would learn to value each moment that I'm alive and learn what it means to change, move, grow, learn, become. This year I want to depend on my friends more and keep myself from expecting them to make me feel understood. I hope that this year I'll figure it out, that I'll not just mature but learn to let go of certain things in exchange for a renewed life. I've made a lot of mistakes and my compass has been spinning, but I think it'll all get better if I want it to, because in the end there really isn't another choice.

To those of you who I've hurt this past year, please forgive me. I'm sorry for my immature, fearful, hyper-sensitive, victimized attitudes. I've thought of so many excuses for my behavior and put the blame in everyone else's hands but mine. I've become unfortunately good at being alone, and now I'm feeling the burn of some of my friends come close again. Because of that burning, I know that I need to make some changes. Yesterday I didn't have much hope for change- on New Year's Eve I felt myself wanting to want to carry through and really mean what I resolved to do in 2011. But tonight, if there's one resolution I need to carry out this year it's this: I resolve to lay my weapons down.

I don't know about you, but I'm thoroughly glad that 2010 is over. I don't want to waste my time or yours by rehashing it all again. I think it would be for the best if I would do whatever I can to just leave things where they lie and focus on healing, moving, rekindling my friendships, mending what I can, and resurrecting what good there is left in me.


"Find the words that make it right again
Calling birds help you make it through the night
It's just enough to find a way to open up once again
And learn to take all the beauty that's inside

We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight

Scream out loud
Until you feel again
And hear the sound of how to heal an aching heart
And those that know you most
Can help you to live again
So keep them close
As you're making your new start

We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight

The day you finally turn to dust
And finally hear your name
Brings colors that will never fade away
Sometimes the best in all of us
Can still break down and still give up on love
But it's never gone

We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight"

- Ring The Bells by Satellite

bare walls

There are a number of things swirling around in there right now, mostly being stirred by some new Flyleaf songs I just got today while I was Christmas shopping. I was two weeks behind on photos this morning, but now I'm caught up, and I feel better about myself- the idea that I can and WILL finish this project is a good thought to me.

I was doing some rearranging on the walls of my room earlier this afternoon, and I thought back to when I moved in seventh grade. I remembered how I was so moved by the fact that my walls were empty and white. I think I may have cried over the loneliness I felt because I had taken down all of my pictures and notes to myself. I remembered thinking the walls seemed so much closer, being bare. I think I felt a strange sort of claustrophobia without the distractions I had created and hung to look at instead of what was really there- nothing.

I'm realizing as I type this that my life, over the last year, has been stripped one thing after another of its distractions and notes and pictures. The things I used to hide behind are long gone now, and it hurts to be out in the open. I'm scared to be this exposed when I refuse to be vulnerable. I'm coming to realize that at the end of the day, my walls are bare, and there is only me and the One who created me. Because when He looks at me, He doesn't see the distractions and notes and pictures I try to hide behind. He doesn't pay attention to the things I tremble behind instead of Him.

"and all we need now is love, we've been through enough. we can't run just cause we're scared. we've come this far- we're not giving up." -flyleaf

I've been searching for something that I didn't understand was already mine.

a serious matter.

So I've found myself flirting with the idea of rejecting God over the last year. In November of last year my faith took the biggest single blow of my whole life. Since then it's been a slow, painful, confusing, sinful struggle back to God, back to trusting Him, believing in Him and just believing Him. Because of the aforementioned blow, I essentially fell apart- my friendships became divided, my schoolwork overwhelmed me to the point of leaving school, my faith life fell into decay. I realize now that one moment changed everything for me and nothing has been the same since. I'm still struggling to figure out the truth, to figure out what I want to live my life by, to figure out the kind of person I'm going to end up being on the other side of all this.

As I write this, I'm realizing that my "biggest single blow" moment is possibly my life's inciting incident- the disturbance in (what I once chose to believe was) my happy little Katie-bubble world that throws everything into an unfamiliar frenzy. I'm okay with adopting that moment as such. My best friend Elise explained to me once that people are like broken cars, and God needs to take apart everything piece by piece and lay it out- gut it completely- in order to rebuild and restore it. At the time I was not comforted by her words, but I think now it doesn't matter as much to me whether or not I'm comforted, because I think that's how it really is- and right now it's enough for me to just know that.

So much of me wants to turn my back on God. Mostly because it's really easy to do. It's a lot easier to just do things my way- well, easier to make the decision to do things my way, but my way is definitely not good for me in most cases. I know myself to be cowardly, full of excuses, fearful, irresponsible, selfish, immature, impure. I know that when I do things my way I only end up more hurt than before. And I think that for me to say I am equally as hurt by God isn't fair, or maybe isn't true rather, because I have been getting in the way of letting God teach me anything or heal me or love me. And that isn't His fault- that is a choice He has to respect because He gave me the choice to follow Him or not; He gave me free will.

I know that I have not sought God in my pain or confusion. I have not chosen Him over me in my weaknesses, in my struggles. I have not made the decision to trust Him, love Him, believe Him, rely on Him in my hurt and confusion and the frenzy that my soul has become. I've blamed Him for everything wrong in my life- every less-than-ideal circumstance I believed was His doing. And by allowing all of that untruth to become my truth, the lens I see Him through has become scratched and distorted, and He has become more and more a stranger to me. Worship songs have become more and more empty or bitter. Bible studies have become confusing and unsettling, and prayer has become an absurd divisive tool that leaves me feeling as though my friends are giving up reverent, loving prayers to no one. I have become a victim of myself. My hands have committed unspeakable acts, my thoughts brought forth destructive images and words. I have been destroying myself, each time becoming just a little more certain that God doesn't exist or at least that if He does, I do not love Him, but still feel a certain degree of self-loathing for what I know I'm doing to Him.

But I'm writing all of this because I want it to stop. I know me without God, without Jesus, without the Bible, without faith, and I am a miserable, sickened, angry, immature, blood-letting idolater. Without God, there is no point. Without God there is no goodness. Without God there is no hope of goodness- no hope that I can be a good thing to the world, to people, or to myself. I know that if I rejected God, it would be pretty much over for me. I don't know how much of a chance there would be of me going back to God if I rejected Him now. Abraham was promised crazy things- physically impossible things- yet Abraham believed God. Believed IN God, yes, but more importantly Abraham BELIEVED God. Not just that God could do impossibly awesome things, but that He would- because He promised He would. I can't say anything specific that God has promised me in my lifetime, but I know that He has promised me that I will share in His death and resurrection. He has saved me from the flames of hell- He has brought me from eternal death apart from God to eternal life with Him.

The second Adam and Eve sinned- that one moment- everything changed. Everything God intended and willed to be became subject to the law of sin and death. But the moment Jesus sacrificially died for every single person who has ever lived, everything we had ever done was covered in His blood- His wounds providing us with life. He conquered sin and death, so that we could become one with Him through the Holy Spirit, enabling us to participate in His resurrection with Him.

I think I'm finally starting to understand what being a Christian is about. Why people make the decision to love Him too. I'm starting to understand what it means to be a Christian. I'm starting to see why people praise Him, why people are able to change their lives around because of what He has done and will do because He loves us, because He created us, because we belong to Him, because we're HIS. It's been a long time since I've believed there was a point to it all, but I'm starting to see it again- starting to see that God has a plan, and I need to get with it. I need to get off the fence, pick a side, and stick to it. Because marriage is about sticking to it. And if Jesus is essentially asking me to marry Him, then I better start thinking about things in terms of marriage. What a great mystery He is. I've strayed and hurt Him, but He still loves me and wants more than anything to work it out. I can't out-sin His grace. He will always win. Love will always win.