a song for the new year

This song encompasses what I hope for in the year of 2011. That even though I am frightened and confused, I would learn to value each moment that I'm alive and learn what it means to change, move, grow, learn, become. This year I want to depend on my friends more and keep myself from expecting them to make me feel understood. I hope that this year I'll figure it out, that I'll not just mature but learn to let go of certain things in exchange for a renewed life. I've made a lot of mistakes and my compass has been spinning, but I think it'll all get better if I want it to, because in the end there really isn't another choice.

To those of you who I've hurt this past year, please forgive me. I'm sorry for my immature, fearful, hyper-sensitive, victimized attitudes. I've thought of so many excuses for my behavior and put the blame in everyone else's hands but mine. I've become unfortunately good at being alone, and now I'm feeling the burn of some of my friends come close again. Because of that burning, I know that I need to make some changes. Yesterday I didn't have much hope for change- on New Year's Eve I felt myself wanting to want to carry through and really mean what I resolved to do in 2011. But tonight, if there's one resolution I need to carry out this year it's this: I resolve to lay my weapons down.

I don't know about you, but I'm thoroughly glad that 2010 is over. I don't want to waste my time or yours by rehashing it all again. I think it would be for the best if I would do whatever I can to just leave things where they lie and focus on healing, moving, rekindling my friendships, mending what I can, and resurrecting what good there is left in me.


"Find the words that make it right again
Calling birds help you make it through the night
It's just enough to find a way to open up once again
And learn to take all the beauty that's inside

We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight

Scream out loud
Until you feel again
And hear the sound of how to heal an aching heart
And those that know you most
Can help you to live again
So keep them close
As you're making your new start

We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight

The day you finally turn to dust
And finally hear your name
Brings colors that will never fade away
Sometimes the best in all of us
Can still break down and still give up on love
But it's never gone

We'll ring the bells that lead you home
Cause the only truth I've ever known
Is that nothing ever hurts us more than love
So circle up your best friends
And we'll celebrate the way it ends
At least we live tonight
At least we live tonight"

- Ring The Bells by Satellite

bare walls

There are a number of things swirling around in there right now, mostly being stirred by some new Flyleaf songs I just got today while I was Christmas shopping. I was two weeks behind on photos this morning, but now I'm caught up, and I feel better about myself- the idea that I can and WILL finish this project is a good thought to me.

I was doing some rearranging on the walls of my room earlier this afternoon, and I thought back to when I moved in seventh grade. I remembered how I was so moved by the fact that my walls were empty and white. I think I may have cried over the loneliness I felt because I had taken down all of my pictures and notes to myself. I remembered thinking the walls seemed so much closer, being bare. I think I felt a strange sort of claustrophobia without the distractions I had created and hung to look at instead of what was really there- nothing.

I'm realizing as I type this that my life, over the last year, has been stripped one thing after another of its distractions and notes and pictures. The things I used to hide behind are long gone now, and it hurts to be out in the open. I'm scared to be this exposed when I refuse to be vulnerable. I'm coming to realize that at the end of the day, my walls are bare, and there is only me and the One who created me. Because when He looks at me, He doesn't see the distractions and notes and pictures I try to hide behind. He doesn't pay attention to the things I tremble behind instead of Him.

"and all we need now is love, we've been through enough. we can't run just cause we're scared. we've come this far- we're not giving up." -flyleaf

I've been searching for something that I didn't understand was already mine.

a serious matter.

So I've found myself flirting with the idea of rejecting God over the last year. In November of last year my faith took the biggest single blow of my whole life. Since then it's been a slow, painful, confusing, sinful struggle back to God, back to trusting Him, believing in Him and just believing Him. Because of the aforementioned blow, I essentially fell apart- my friendships became divided, my schoolwork overwhelmed me to the point of leaving school, my faith life fell into decay. I realize now that one moment changed everything for me and nothing has been the same since. I'm still struggling to figure out the truth, to figure out what I want to live my life by, to figure out the kind of person I'm going to end up being on the other side of all this.

As I write this, I'm realizing that my "biggest single blow" moment is possibly my life's inciting incident- the disturbance in (what I once chose to believe was) my happy little Katie-bubble world that throws everything into an unfamiliar frenzy. I'm okay with adopting that moment as such. My best friend Elise explained to me once that people are like broken cars, and God needs to take apart everything piece by piece and lay it out- gut it completely- in order to rebuild and restore it. At the time I was not comforted by her words, but I think now it doesn't matter as much to me whether or not I'm comforted, because I think that's how it really is- and right now it's enough for me to just know that.

So much of me wants to turn my back on God. Mostly because it's really easy to do. It's a lot easier to just do things my way- well, easier to make the decision to do things my way, but my way is definitely not good for me in most cases. I know myself to be cowardly, full of excuses, fearful, irresponsible, selfish, immature, impure. I know that when I do things my way I only end up more hurt than before. And I think that for me to say I am equally as hurt by God isn't fair, or maybe isn't true rather, because I have been getting in the way of letting God teach me anything or heal me or love me. And that isn't His fault- that is a choice He has to respect because He gave me the choice to follow Him or not; He gave me free will.

I know that I have not sought God in my pain or confusion. I have not chosen Him over me in my weaknesses, in my struggles. I have not made the decision to trust Him, love Him, believe Him, rely on Him in my hurt and confusion and the frenzy that my soul has become. I've blamed Him for everything wrong in my life- every less-than-ideal circumstance I believed was His doing. And by allowing all of that untruth to become my truth, the lens I see Him through has become scratched and distorted, and He has become more and more a stranger to me. Worship songs have become more and more empty or bitter. Bible studies have become confusing and unsettling, and prayer has become an absurd divisive tool that leaves me feeling as though my friends are giving up reverent, loving prayers to no one. I have become a victim of myself. My hands have committed unspeakable acts, my thoughts brought forth destructive images and words. I have been destroying myself, each time becoming just a little more certain that God doesn't exist or at least that if He does, I do not love Him, but still feel a certain degree of self-loathing for what I know I'm doing to Him.

But I'm writing all of this because I want it to stop. I know me without God, without Jesus, without the Bible, without faith, and I am a miserable, sickened, angry, immature, blood-letting idolater. Without God, there is no point. Without God there is no goodness. Without God there is no hope of goodness- no hope that I can be a good thing to the world, to people, or to myself. I know that if I rejected God, it would be pretty much over for me. I don't know how much of a chance there would be of me going back to God if I rejected Him now. Abraham was promised crazy things- physically impossible things- yet Abraham believed God. Believed IN God, yes, but more importantly Abraham BELIEVED God. Not just that God could do impossibly awesome things, but that He would- because He promised He would. I can't say anything specific that God has promised me in my lifetime, but I know that He has promised me that I will share in His death and resurrection. He has saved me from the flames of hell- He has brought me from eternal death apart from God to eternal life with Him.

The second Adam and Eve sinned- that one moment- everything changed. Everything God intended and willed to be became subject to the law of sin and death. But the moment Jesus sacrificially died for every single person who has ever lived, everything we had ever done was covered in His blood- His wounds providing us with life. He conquered sin and death, so that we could become one with Him through the Holy Spirit, enabling us to participate in His resurrection with Him.

I think I'm finally starting to understand what being a Christian is about. Why people make the decision to love Him too. I'm starting to understand what it means to be a Christian. I'm starting to see why people praise Him, why people are able to change their lives around because of what He has done and will do because He loves us, because He created us, because we belong to Him, because we're HIS. It's been a long time since I've believed there was a point to it all, but I'm starting to see it again- starting to see that God has a plan, and I need to get with it. I need to get off the fence, pick a side, and stick to it. Because marriage is about sticking to it. And if Jesus is essentially asking me to marry Him, then I better start thinking about things in terms of marriage. What a great mystery He is. I've strayed and hurt Him, but He still loves me and wants more than anything to work it out. I can't out-sin His grace. He will always win. Love will always win.

nights like these.

It's nights like these I feel very alone. Not in the depressed sort of sad sense of aloneness, but more like I have been walking this earth for the last twenty two years alone, without my compliment. For some reason tonight I feel the ache that comes with the longing for love and commitment. I don't see even a wisp of promise here, in that regard. I can't think of anyone in my life right now who fits the bill, who could be a sort of warm blanket to my shivering soul.

Generally I'm afraid of commitment- mostly because I'm afraid of being committed to someone who maybe ought to belong to someone else. But tonight I can feel that there is someone missing. Part of me is afraid I'll go the rest of my life alone like this, with only loneliness as my faithful bridegroom. I guess I don't have a choice but to hope he's out there somewhere.

I really don't like to write sappy stuff like this. But. Tonight...I wish he were here. Tonight I wish there was a hug waiting for me, a hug bearing patience and encouragement- and a smile and a laugh selflessly extending comfort and love. Tonight I wish I belonged to the excitement of a new last name, to the promise of a tomorrow that could hold my hand and vow to always be by my side.

So, if you're out there- I'm thinking of you tonight.

[listening to In Your Atmosphere by John Mayer]

some changes need to be made.

I want to be in bed by 11, and it is 10:57, so I'll speed type my way through what I've been thinking about this week.

I've been reading Father Fiction by Don Miller, and though he doesn't expound on most of the ideas he brings up, it gets me thinking about my life. I've recently confessed to myself that I am immature. I don't like that word. But, it's the truth. I used to blame my behavior on my fear and lack of self-confidence- which is true too, but I think that even those areas would improve if I stopped being immature about the things I am immature about.

Also, I've discovered that I am exceedingly concerned about my own well-being. I don't think that means I'm selfish, but instead that I am always analyzing the role I play in any given situation or circumstance. I think that probably is good at a simple, fundamental level, but not good when I take it too far- so much so that I often am not conscious of the "big picture"- the picture wherein I have a very small and finite role that I should learn to take only as seriously as necessary (it's 11:02. better hurry this along.).

And, the stress and importance I place on "what could be" is overkill. I tend to idealize everything and long after the wrong things, or- long after the right things way too much...and then I freak myself out and give in to my fear of not being good enough to have what I long for. I succumb much too easily to fear- so much so that it pervades every square inch of my life, deeming it nearly impossible for me to feel successful... I am afraid to make the wrong decision, so I don't make any decisions. I do nothing, and so deceive myself into thinking I'm just being overly cautious when I'm really guaranteeing failure at EVERYTHING because I am too afraid to work hard (man- 11:09 i can be so long winded!).

All this to say, I ought to grow up now. I ought to practice self-control like my life depends on it, because in a way it does, and I ought to refuse my "need" to feed my sense of fear about everything. It's time I put my finger down and stop pointing it at the possible reasons for my circumstances and flaws. There's nothing left to do now but accept it, and move on.

Because that would be the mature thing to do.

I don't need to be afraid of what I make my obstacles appear to be. My fears are not bigger than me, and they are not bigger than my God. Despite everything that has happened, I need to remember that.

(it's 11:15- i always have so much more to say than i think i do!)

goodnight.

today.

I am now 22 years old.

I remember where I was a year ago. Curled up on the couch, secretly wishing I could escape my own birthday party, escape the people, escape my life, escape time and circumstance. And a year later I can't say whether I'm much happier now.

I'm beginning to wonder if life isn't about happiness. I think I would be okay with that, but the problem is I don't know what life is about instead. It seems we're all chasing this idea of what it means to be happy, this idea of what it means to feel like everything is in its place, like everything is right, and we're in love with it all.

But honestly, things are never right. There are fleeting moments of pure beauty and joy, but I can't claim them as mine any more than I can create them. I can't keep them in a jar to save for later- they pass through my fingers as soon as they arrive. And the things that seem to stick to my soul like molasses are unfortunately the things I wish life did not consist of: confusion, hurt, misunderstanding, anger, jealousy, chaos, hate, fear, inadequacy, mistakes.

I find myself at this time in my life shying away from it all, sitting in my lost-ness, looking at my still feet, singing beneath my breath to people passing by, looking into their eyes only as long as I can bear to. I am scared to love. I find myself looking at my hands and asking them why they've done the terribly destructive things they've done. I sit quiet at His feet, too scared to ask Him or anyone else whether it's too late to still be innocent.

Is it too late to empty my jar of its bloody molasses and fill it instead with lightning and fireflies?

vacation.

I got back today from spending two days in Duluth with my mom. She and I both agreed that while we planned to go we had our doubts that we would actually go. But we did, and the weather was beautiful and we saw a lot of the town I hadn't seen before. Because we went so late in the season, the trees were bare and the scenery wasn't as interesting, but there were a ton less tourists out and about, which made traveling much easier. And we got the room closest to the pool, which was nice too.

However, I can't say that I had a lot of fun. I didn't have an amazing time. I spent most of the trip being irritated by my mother's tendencies to point out every sign she sees, as if I'm five years old and don't have eyes to see for myself. I was constantly fighting her in my mind, fighting off her over-explanations for every tiny detail of everything that I already know about or didn't need to know in the first place. It was hard to be excited about anything when I felt like she was pointing out anything at all just so that she could get a positive reaction out of me. The whole time we were in Duluth, I felt like there was something keeping me from really enjoying myself there- from feeling like I was on vacation- from feeling like I wasn't at home. Sitting back in Sartell, I don't feel like I ever left. That's a very obnoxious feeling to feel when I paid a lot of money to go there.

It's definitely not lost on me that I have issues with my parents. I don't like sharing anything with them. I don't want them to be involved in anything because when I do I feel like it's no longer mine. They have this ability to control me and hold me back without even realizing it. They make me feel small without meaning to. I want to get away from them. They make me want to run. I feel like the only way I can have a life that feels like MINE is if I left; if they had no part in my life or at least very little.

Going on vacation with my mom made me realize that I feel very held back by my parents, that I have little happiness when I have to answer to them about what I do.

But, I guess it's okay for parents to just be parents. I don't have to get along with them. I don't have to agree with them about everything. The only struggle is convincing them that sometimes I know what I'm doing, and that sometimes they don't know everything. What an unfortunate struggle.

Feeling very discouraged tonight about all this. Aren't vacations supposed to recharge your batteries and restore your sense of sanity?