just do it

It was so good to see my friends this weekend. They reminded me that I am capable of things. Of anything I'd like to try. I'm not motivated to run or work out, but they make me feel like I can do it. And I can- the only thing holding me back is me. They make me feel like I can walk into a new church and start a worship band- that I can make a place for me to belong there. They make me feel like there is hope to make this town my home- to extend my home beyond the walls of my house.

It's so much easier to just not do anything. To go to work and come home and go to work and come home day after day. I don't have to be a recluse. I don't have to be a hermit just because this place, this job, these people are all new to me. Life is for living, and today I am 25 years old- growing every day closer to old rather than closer to young. I have never by any means had the desire to run my life into the ground with activities and recklessness and busyness, but I haven't been able to figure out how to love the things I used to love when I lived in Sartell. Doing those things feel different when I do them here.

When I learned how to play guitar- Abi was right- I had a spark and a flame and a passion to learn it and play it and improve. Since then, it hasn't been the same kind of outlet. I rarely play anymore. And I ought to.

Writing has been difficult to the point of being frustrating and disheartening. That passion has changed as well and I don't need it like I used to. I need less of a place to escape to than I did then.

Church has been difficult too, and I miss Joy. Things haven't been right there either. I pray less. I haven't read the Word in months. There is less passion there as well. I miss it.

I know I'm still transitioning and trying to figure it all out, but I am so grateful that I have friends who remind me that I can do anything. I forgot that. It was so good to be among people who know me and even know me better than I do at times. What a blessed person I am.

Thank You, Lord. You have given me so much. I am truly blessed. I am rich. And all I have has nothing to do with what I have done or not done- nothing to do with what I deserve or don't deserve. I don't know why it's been harder to talk to You recently. Maybe I don't know how to talk to You here either..? So much of my relationship with You has revolved around desperately trying to avoid downfalls and destruction. It seems like once You give me something I am frantic to keep it for as long as I can. You make hearts soft. And I love You for that. Forgive me my transgressions as You always have and always do and always will. Help me to do things. Help me to learn how to become the woman You envision. That has not been my goal in recent times, but You can help me to grow. Just don't let me go.

breaking dreams

It's strange how things stay with you.

Even though time has passed and my life has moved on in a much more positive way, it's strange how much of my struggles during college and high school have stuck with me. The anxiety has lessened and the depression lightened, but I still dream about those pressure-filled times of my life on a regular basis.

I'm always encountering some sort of anxiety-driven trauma back in my high school or in a classroom at UMM- even in a dream it feels real. But then right before I wake up, I always realize that I'm not in high school anymore- or that I don't attend college anymore, and I simply walk out of the building.

Why can't my subconscious let those troubled times go?

Today all this sort of hit me in the face at a vulnerable moment. I realized that even though I am happy in my new life, I still am deeply afraid of failing. I spent most of my high school (and even grade school I suppose) career feeling the pressure to respect the authority of my teachers- and what that meant for me then was not ever being late, completing every assignment on time, and never distracting others in class. When I went to college, I was able to keep those "rules" for a while, but as my depression and anxiety worsened, I broke my own rules. Not by choice, but because I couldn't keep them anymore. I was not able to show up to class on time or even at all in some cases. I was not able to keep my word to specific teachers that I would meet with them. I was not able to finish my assignments, and therefore not able to pass at least one of my classes.

When I told my mom about the troubles I was having at UMM, I remember her telling me that she was okay with my decision to leave school without graduating- and specifically that she didn't want me to worry about her thinking that I had failed.

Even though she said that, and meant it, I guess it didn't change the experiences I had and the devastating emotions attached to them. Obviously, I think that I failed. The worst thing is that at that time, I was doing my best. I was trying as much as I was able, and it was not enough.

Now that time has passed, I realize that I am ashamed of my behavior during that time. I am ashamed that I failed in so many areas of my life- not just academic. I was not a good friend. I was not a good Christian. I was not a good student. I was wildly irritable and could not be convinced anymore of God's goodness and sovereignty. I was extremely sensitive and easily wounded by the people closest to me who in reality did nothing wrong. My life was seeping through my fingers and I could do nothing about it.

I have received forgiveness from my friends and felt true and sincere regret for the way I was then. I have made amends (painstakingly) with God, and have accepted His forgiveness too. But I guess I never forgave myself for the things I did and thought and willed- I never forgave myself for breaking my rules- educational and non.

So much of life is learning to accept things you can't change. I suppose this is one of those things.

Here's to the road to forgiveness, peace, and no more anxious dreams about school.

fearless

In 39 days I will embark upon a new chapter of my life- one that includes the aforementioned awesome guy who is alllllll mine. I can barely believe it...so much good- all for some grace-covered sinner. It didn't used to be like this though. Before this, my life constantly revolved around fear. It followed me around relentlessly for as long as I can remember. I feared everything.

This is truly the only time in my life that I haven't felt afraid. I was hesitant, but I let myself fall in love. Copeland said "if you fall in love, fall in love and hold nothing back" and I did. And now, I'm moving forward and feel no fear about the decisions I'm making. It is seriously remarkable. I am not afraid to get married- even though I always have been deep down. I am not afraid to move away from my hometown. I am not afraid to leave my job for a new one. I am not afraid to be someone's wife. I'm even less afraid about being a mother one day.

This is the first time in my life that I have been truly ecstatic about the direction in which my life is going.

A year ago, I wouldn't have believed you if you told me all this was in the works and on the way. I wouldn't have believed that the openness I was working on so decidedly would quickly lead me to a man whose love would rush in and fill the lonely places. I wouldn't have believed that I would be this ready to start a new life. I have never felt this whole- this sure about what is happening in my life. Is this what it feels like to follow God's will? Praise Him- I am at home and where I am meant to be! The ice has melted off of my heart.

Thank You Jesus for freeing me and giving me these incredible, beautiful things that I do not and could not deserve or earn. Help me to learn your wordless song and sing it in my heart every time I think of You. Thank You for having mercy on me and for loving me even when I could not and even would not love You in return. You deserve so much praise for the selfless things you have done... We've been through a lot together, haven't we?

It was so worth it.

you're my guy

I can't explain how truly incredible it is to love and be loved by such an amazing man. I am truly blessed. You spend your whole life wondering what your guy is going to look like and act like and sound like, and then one day you meet him- and it is such a surprise to find that it was no surprise that he is exactly what you need, and that you have no doubt he's the one for you.

Enough of talking in second person.

I am in love with an incredible man. He is funny and smart and sweet and attractive and warm... But none of those things really do him justice. He's just...awesome. And I can't believe he's mine. I can't believe that I snagged such a genuinely awesome guy with a genuinely warm and well-meaning and trustworthy heart. He makes me feel secure and stable and safe. I am not afraid of him, except to let him down. I want to be the best for him- the woman he has dreamed of and the wife God needs me to be for him.

I can't wait to start a new life with him. I can't wait to see him every day and hug him every day and be his friend through every step of life- through every bad day at work and through every sunny day outside. I can't wait to be his bride. I can't wait to do life with him. I can't wait to serve him and show him companionship and grace.

I feel like I have been looking for you for a very long time. I can't say enough how much I love you. I can't stress enough how blessed I feel to be marrying you in 96 days. You're my guy... I knew it all along, and you did too. I have prayed for you for so many years...prayed that you knew the Lord, prayed that you would show up in my life soon... You make me feel like myself, which sounds strange- but I have struggled with myself for a long long time. Thank you for being exactly who you are and for loving me for exactly who I am. I can't believe how fortunate I am to have you for the rest of my life. Things may not always be easy, but it will be easier because you and I are together. I love that the words "I love you" just don't seem to be enough anymore, and that you say the meaning of love grows with our understanding of it and each other. That being said, I love you, and God-willing, I will be by your side for the rest of our lives.

Love,

Katie Rose

put my eyes ahead of me

I have been sick a lot lately. It's not only flu season, but I've been battling a sinus infection for months. MONTHS. Sigh. It sure is sucking the life out of me and making it difficult for me to do a lot of the wedding stuff I would like to do. And it makes hanging out with my friends less possible, which stinks.

I have been very distracted by my physical health lately. It makes me feel very self-centered. I haven't been thinking much about other people. I haven't been praying much. I haven't been doing a lot of the things that add joy to my life. I have lost my zip and my excitement for life.

I went to church this morning though and I was briefly reminded that my life is very good, and that at one time not so long ago, it was very not good. Though I may be fighting this stupid sinus infection and feeling lousy most of the time, I am free. I am on the other side of bondage. After twenty-three years of darkness, I am finally out of the tunnel. That is reason to celebrate for literally the rest of my life. And while there is celebration, there is also the reminder that I once knew agony. It feels good to reflect now that I was not pretending my pain. The misery was real, inexhaustibly real. And now, the freedom is just as real. I could barely hope then that it would be this real- that joy could be as real as sorrow.

Put my eyes ahead of me, with only a glance behind. Put my heart about me, with just a few others within me. Pull my arms from around me, that I may grasp others warmly. Step my feet lightly, that I may not stomp anyone else down. Bring from my lips gentle words issued from a clear mind and forgiving heart, lest I burden someone else by judgment and grudges. Let my spirit offer peace and faith as the answer to my questions and worries, that I may live in the contentment and confidence provided graciously by my Father.

you know that thing?

Yup. I'm feelin the magic tonight. I'm not sure what it is- but- I feel it. That thing where you can literally feel your own creativity dancing in the room with you- that thing where you feel like you can do anything- that thing where you aren't afraid to start something new, or to start creating something new again. That thing where you lose your fear of failing- that thing where your eyes can only see possibility and brightness. :) I like that thing.

I embrace that thing. Tonight, I embrace everything. To new beginnings! To newness and growth! To forgiveness and grace and light! To being alive!

I embrace me.

Thank you Christmas. Thank you new lamp. Thank you sewing machine and thread. Thank you water. Thank you plastic on my windows. Thank you rug. Thank you light. Thank you skin. Thank you wrapping paper scraps. Thank you permanent marker.

Thank you breath. Thank you eyes. Thank you fingertips. Thank you thoughts. Thank you health. Thank you music. Thank you snow. Thank you commitment. Thank you  Mom. Thank you beginnings.

Thank you life.

Thank You. My life is glorious. Thank You.

His kind of love

"His kind of love is reckless for us. His kind of love will never give up till the whole world knows how far He came to show His kind of love. This is our God- He is strong, and His mercy is our song. He won't stop chasing us- that's just His kind of love. I could try but I could not explain."

No matter how I backslide, You are still there. You are still loving me. Your love is literally RECKLESS. You do not hold back when loving me. Help me not to hold back in loving others. Thank You SO MUCH for everything You've given me...for how You've changed my life- jumpstarted my heart so that my soul can get out and be free. You have made me new. Brand new. I am so thankful...and I love You so much. I can't believe how different things are now...how You've brought me through the darkness and the pain and into the light. All along I was safe, but I couldn't know it. You weren't gone. You were there. Every second. Loving me while I hated You. Forgive me for scorning You... I was DEAD- DYING....and now I am alive. Now, I live. I could not walk...but now I can dance. Thank You for restoring me...for waking me up... You always have a plan. And it always works perfectly.

Looking at these notes on my wall and where I wrote those down from...where my heart was at when I wrote them....how I was trying my hardest and my hardest was not enough. I could not have saved myself. I needed to trust You- to dive in faith first.... And what amazing things You have given me....how consistent You have been in loving me. Oh how You have continuously blessed me...without me deserving any of it. You have been fighting for me every second.

sharpen

I'm going through my stuff today and packing up some of it. I found some old notebooks- some academic and some other...both of which have made me incredibly sad. It's funny what time allows you to forget until you read about your personal hell in your own handwriting. My memories from that time are usually vague and generalized and difficult for me to describe. But reading those journals and letters...I remember how vivid everything was and how I saw the world.

I'm not sad that I found them though. I'm glad I wrote down my feelings. I'm glad it's documented. I'm just sad that so much of my life was wasted on inner torment and delirium. I mourn for that time when, for me, there was no sun, no hope, no joy, no love- because now I know that there is always sun, hope, joy, and love. It was always there, I just couldn't see it. I know that He never left me.

I've been working on forgiveness lately. And while it may seem strange to forgive a time in my life, I want to. I want to forgive myself for the way I handled things. I was honestly and genuinely doing my best- trying my hardest to keep my head above the water. Praise God that He had my hand in His, and guided me through the rapids. I ought to apologize to my friends too, for sticking with me. I said some horrible things and could not love them during that time. They had every reason to leave me, give up on me, disown me- but they didn't, even though I wasn't sorry.

I will keep these words. I will keep them to remind me how far down I was- to make me thankful and grateful to God for delivering me from it. I actually have a life now. I am actually LIVING my life now. I feel like I have been given a new life, a new start- a new way to be human (as Switchfoot would say). I will keep learning how to walk on these new legs and to breathe with these new lungs and see through these new eyes. But I don't want to forget what it was like to be enslaved by the thoughts I had then. I don't want to forget what it was like to suffer every moment of the day. Because time dulls the memories I have of my "previous life," I don't want to take for granted the much freer life I live now. I don't want to ever forget the pain. Now pain only sharpens my joy.

dirt

I haven't been writing as much. I miss it. I actually got up the guts to read through a story I had started working on a while ago. I had tried to continue writing it but I couldn't. Criticism is so stunting.

It's funny how much richer life seems when there is some mud and blood mixed in between the moving frames. The grit, the skinned knees...how strange that sometimes I miss that rawness.

Although I miss my depth and passion, I do not miss the irrationality and madness. What a strangely delicious hell it was back then. How everything swirled and dove and turned through me...what a horrible beauty. But now the blood on my hands (that was my own) is no longer there. Just lumpy scars and dream-like memories.

But oh, how the darkness made everything else sparkle. I miss the intensity and the way I knew myself so deeply.

Now stumbling over my ghosts and stalling at my shadows is frustrating and cold. I used to hide behind my hot blooded vision, but now I just stand there and stubbornly freeze. There is nothing inner to comfort me. Though, frankly, that is good.

Forgive me for the confusion I caused. Forgive me the mess I made.

hello sunrise

It's all going to be okay and it's all going to be alright
the storm is over and the darkness gone
please get taken over by this reality
the past has no hold on you now
what's then is not what's now
step forward and breathe in deep
forgive and forget, live and let live
cultivate your garden richly
water the grass you're standing on
hello sunrise.

prayers

Hey. I've been meaning to talk to You. There's been a lot on my mind lately- You know this. I've been spending a lot more time thinking about my future than I have about You. Or even genuinely thanking You that I can even be seriously thinking about it. Ultimately though, things happen- and all of this is under Your control, not mine. Ultimately, we're not married yet. And even when we are, I will never be totally his. I can only ever be totally Yours, in every way. I'm sorry for not making time for You- for taking more delight in what You have given me than in You Yourself. Thank You that I can at least handle all this. I know without medication it would be pretty much impossible. Without it, I might have lost him already. Maybe You knew that. Yikes. What a mess I am without Your help. I wonder how things would've been different had I started taking medication years ago? Anyway, You matter the most in my life. Without You I have nothing. Literally. Nothing. Forgive me for temporarily forgetting that. You know how I get caught up in things. I've really been losing sight of You and even of myself in all this. I was afraid of that. Of losing myself in belonging to another. My responsibility is to You. You're the One I answer to for my behaviors, good or bad. I think I'm still learning how to walk on two feet. How strange, that I need to learn how to have a normal, balanced life not afflicted by the suffocating blanket of depression and anxiety. Thank You for releasing me from it. Help me to tread lightly, Lord- to figure out what steps I ought to be taking. Not just because I can. It's strange how every single thing feels different. Literally everything looks different. How strange that I have to become reacquainted with the same old (mysteriously mine and Yours) friends that look and feel less familiar, less akin to me. I miss this. I miss thinking this way. Thank You for showing me that I am valuable, that the substance I exist of is important and on purpose. You are a mighty God, and I am thankful that I get to praise You for Your goodness and mercy. Without You, I would be nothing. Have nothing. I love You. Teach me to love more. Teach me how to walk, and teach me how to love. What a beautiful thing it is that You lead by example, Lord. You are good. Teach me how to do good with Your blessings. I have caused myself great harm, Lord. Thank You for healing what my hands have done. Forgiveness changes everything.

be

I know myself through the music I listen to. I can hear myself better when I listen to music I love. My own pulse- beating, driving, breaking with the tempo and the strums and bass. What a comfort and relief it is to know that I still hear it. After everything, after all this- I still hear it. What a joy it is to know that through all the tumult, I have not lost myself.

Dawn has come, and the night is gone.

And all I can say is...breathe in and breathe out. Whisper and cartwheel and breathe in and breathe out. My darling child's heart- keep humming and twirling and longing. Don't stop listening for the pieces of yourself that you can only find out in the world- in the song and on the mountains and with another beating heart. You embody the beauty you see. You are the beauty you feel. Forgive what was. Embrace you. Only then will you truly embrace others in your life who are longing to know what it is to be embraced by you. It's okay to open now. It's okay to be. Just be.

Come out now, and be free.

barriers still

Lately I've been thinking about things. Is anyone else also afraid of the things you want? I'm worried that my heart will never be opened again like it was back then. I can face my fears all I want, but if I don't let it reach me, change me, what's the point? What's the point of doing what scares you if you aren't risking something? I am less afraid than I have ever been. And yet there are barriers still. It seems that most people are concerned about whether they are loved. That includes me, I guess. But what I am most concerned about now is whether I can love people. Will I ever love someone like that again? The stubborn part of me is shouting a resounding negative. Maybe I just need to heal from all the things I have undergone. The scars are somehow still wounding me. I will never feel ready to let go- it's a choice. A conscious choice. Pack it up, give it away, move onward. What kind of freedom is there in holding on anyway? So much easier said than done.

alive

I really think that this year is going to be the year in which everything changes. I hope it is, anyway. I have hope that it will be the year in which everything changes. I'm hoping to go forward and not look back. And I hope that if I ever do look back, the last few years will just seem like a bad dream I had a long time ago.

I still don't know what I'm doing, but I'm not as scared about it. It's all going to be okay.

And for as much of a non-risk taker as I am, I have done a lot of things that scare me recently. I have proved that I can do things even if I am scared. More and more consistently I am spiting fear and not using it as an excuse to not live my life.

Lots of work yet to be done though. How easily I forget to work hard on the things that matter the most to me. I have hope that it'll all come. Things are changing and I just am realizing that I will have to learn to accept it. I will have to learn to accept this.

At the end of the day, all the other things I'm focused on pale in comparison to how important He is.

It'll come.

again

don't let me sit here alone in an occupied room
with no one to put their shaking hands on my shoulders
with no tingling electricity or heat
with no powerfully powerless words
don't be quiet and silent now
i can't do it again
so don't be gone
just don't be gone

........

I feel out of sorts. I feel like I'm in this weird limbo-type place lately. No man's land. Not quite broken, not quite well. Just...here. I can't make things make sense. My thoughts are jumbled and confused, constantly losing my train of thought and trying real hard to remember it again.

I keep feeling like I'm searching the room feverishly with blind eyes, kind of kicking through the things on the floor and stumbling into objects and furniture. I feel like components of myself are scattered around the place and I cannot successfully collect them. And if I sit perfectly still, breathing and trying and yearning to rest, the things I'm grasping for start to speak up. If I sit still and breathe in and then out, I just ask myself why and why and why. And when I open my eyes, and walk on these sore bones, I wish it was over already.

What's wrong with me?

trying

I'm no good at transitions. I don't know how people do it. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only conscious person walking around in the world- the only person conscious of anything going on inside. I just can't seem to pull it off. I don't know how to let things end and just be whatever they were. I don't know how to move on to something else, even if I'm excited about it. This is going to be difficult.

I feel ready for change- for real change. I feel capable of it. But I am afraid. Big surprise. I am disappointed in myself. But maybe I shouldn't be. I'm trying my hardest. I've never felt like this. For as long as I can remember, I've been closed up. And this is the closest I've ever felt to feeling open. I don't want to keep doing the things I wish I didn't do. I want to go after the things I need. And I'm trying.

And as for the things I've been learning and the issues that have recently taken on a life of their own, I'm not as afraid. I'm not as afraid of myself as I have been. My attempt to quarantine my mistakes from anyone's knowledge, even my own, needs to loosen up. I shouldn't necessarily be ashamed of myself. One day, it will be right, and I just pray that the shame I have been feeling all my life will be faced and dealt with even more in the coming year. Antagonizing myself about it is doing me absolutely no good.

This year, I want to work on being open. I want to work on doing things differently- on doing the things I have never been willing to do. The only person stopping me is me. And I'm tired of that. I have been depressed and insecure and afraid, and I still fee l like I am those things, but I don't want to use those things as excuses anymore. I have hope that this can be the best year of my life if I let it be. If I do the work.

can't help hoping

I'm getting myself back again. It hurts but that's okay. Sometimes it hurts because it has to. I don't always see things clearly, in there. The truth isn't always clear, but it's still there. I know who I am. But am I willing to defend it? Am I willing to keep fighting toward something good? I may be doubtful whether people can really change, but I don't have any choice but to have hope that I can have the things I dream of. I can't help hoping. I have to hope. I feel like this is the year of my life in which I get my act together. I'm doing what I have not done before- what I haven't had the courage to do before, despite knowing my faults and insecurities to an even deeper level. I have to get out of this rut. More and more, I don't want to be stuck anymore. I want to be... I wanted to get better. Then I wanted to be better. And now, I just want to be me. That's a job that literally only I can do.

[it's good to feel a sting now and again]

take heart

I feel good, and alive, and excited. I ate an orange just a bit ago, and I enjoyed every bit of it. Even the pith that no one likes to eat. It woke me up a bit. You know? For me it was an orange, but for someone else it might be a sunrise, or a breeze on a cool day- or maybe the way the shadows move on the pavement outside. Fear is a lie. My fear is useless and intrusive. I don't want to be afraid anymore- because I really don't have to be. No matter what happens, I'm happy right now. I feel energized and ready.

So, bring it on.

I'm going to be okay.

death

This isn't morbid, I promise. Death for me has always been a very bitter and terrifying thing. The one thing that truly reminds me of my humanity- of my non-permanence- of my lack of all-knowingness that only God possesses, is death. If there is one thing that reminds me that I am not God, it's death. And in my experience, it's never a nice feeling to realize that you're not the one in control of your life, like you believed. It's easy to believe we are gods. We believe it almost without noticing, or at least I do. I've always had a horribly negative connotation with death (like I suppose almost everyone does). Each relative that has died in the past has jarred and shaken me. The closer death has come to me, the more nervous and anxious I have become about it. Because, no one likes to feel out of control- no one who believes they are their own god rejoices in realizing that they are human like everyone else- human in every possible way and no better or worse than any other human that has ever lived, because they were just as human as you are. Forced humility feels a little bit like claustrophobia.

But probably about this time last week, my grandmother passed away unexpectedly. And she was a woman of great strength, patience, goodness, faithfulness, and hope. She worked hard all her life, and was not one to complain or be ungrateful even when things were difficult or less than ideal. She had always won over my respect for her by the way she approached life so openly- so ready to accept whatever circumstances came her way. I watched her from afar as she lived a life dedicated to the Lord and to serving other people, and treating them with warmth and good humor and companionship. She was a beautiful woman of faith, who I know spent every minute of her life loving Jesus from a deep and unshakable place. I don't doubt that by the time she died, she had been ready for decades to be with Him. She loved Him more than anything. She wasn't afraid of death because she loved Him, trusted Him, had faith in Him to do what He has promised. Her funeral was the first one I have attended in which I felt peace. Mixed with the sadness of not being able to talk to her again was an overwhelming sense of peace- because she is finally with Jesus- she is finally Home, a place she had longed for all her life. And I am so proud to say that I am her granddaughter. And because of her beautiful life and beautiful love for her Creator, I am much less afraid of death.

Death is vital. Death makes the whole equation work. Death is necessary and mandatory for God to exist and for God to love us. Without death, there could be no eternity. Death means there was a punishment given, and therefore a mistake made. Death is the penalty for my misconduct, for my pride in willing to dethrone God. But it also means that Someone cared enough that I made a mistake- cared enough to do something about the irreversible sin I've committed- cared enough to become one of us in the form of a helpless baby to shortly after conquer death altogether for those who claim Him as their Savior. All through my life, from the second I was born, He has been reaching for me- hoping that instead of hoarding the life I have been given, I would surrender back to Him the breath that He has lent me, out of love and devotion and appreciation and gratitude. He cares. He won't let me go no matter what I do. And I know that though my body must return to dust because it was created from dust, my soul will return to God because it was created from Him, in His likeness- in love, for love, because of love. It started with love, and it will end with love.

And I hope that when the last page is turned and the book of my life here is closed, I will have made my grandmother proud. I hope that I will be as fearless as she was about death. And I hope that I will have loved Jesus even half as much as she did. I know that she is safe, and therefore not permanently gone. She is  truly Home, experiencing things that we can't know or understand now. I don't have any choice but to trust that she is with Him- and that one day I will be too.